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Wedding - To think that bride and groom need can invite different number of family guests

(84 Posts)
colourflash Wed 01-Nov-17 21:54:39

My wedding plans are going nowhere. My fiancé won't accept that my family is bigger than his. Thinks it will look 'weird' that the family member ratio will be 1:3. This is first level family so aunts, uncles, first cousins, siblings (plus their partners, children). No friends invited, family only is what we both want.

He thinks I should not invite some of my family to reduce the guest list on my side. He says it will be embarrassing for his family to be so small in comparison. Am I right to think his reasoning is absolutely insane and makes no sense? Please tell me who is being unreasonable because it's causing so many arguments. I want my entire family at the wedding! Will it look ridiculous??

PaperdollCartoon Wed 01-Nov-17 21:56:24

That’s just silly, you can’t help having a bigger family. I have much more family than DP so we’ll be the same when we get married. Plus who’s going to know how many are on each side anyway, when everyone’s all mixed up? You’ll have friends there as well I assume?

ButteredScone Wed 01-Nov-17 21:57:24

Eh? Embarrassing? For who?

This is ridiculous. Of course you shouldn't uninvite family. Unless you are restricted by money or space there is no reason why you can't have your family and him have his.

Appuskidu Wed 01-Nov-17 21:57:41

Can he invite some more of his 'wider' family?

Mumof56 Wed 01-Nov-17 21:58:45

Set the number of guests you can accommodate. Divide it by 2. This is the number of guests you both can invite each. If you family number takes up most of your number, you invite less friends. His family is smaller, he has more places left for his friends. Done

LindyHemming Wed 01-Nov-17 21:59:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HerSymphonyAndSong Wed 01-Nov-17 22:00:32

MUmof56 the OP has already said they are not having friends there

AnneLovesGilbert Wed 01-Nov-17 22:02:07

He's being daft. Have you given him a list of your family and asked him who he'd like to bin?

It's petty and childish and your wedding day isn't about his family feeling there are more of them then there are.

Is he often like this and does he really want to get married?

HerSymphonyAndSong Wed 01-Nov-17 22:02:22

My family is 15 times the size of H’s. It was fine, but both families are muck-in, get along with everyone sort of people

annandale Wed 01-Nov-17 22:02:39

In my experience it is typical that women struggle to prune their guest list down and men don't have so many to invite.

I do see his point that equal numbers of places for bride and groom is fairer. But the men i know have graciously conceded some places because they don't care

Could you have a bigger wedding if you downsize some other elements? Alternatively, consider whether you really really want all your cousins with their hangers-on to be invited? I gambled and invited 130 when we only had 120 spaces - ended up with 110 present.

CandyMelts Wed 01-Nov-17 22:02:57

Mixed sides are super common now so it won't be like there's one empty side of a church. It you can afford to pay for everyone it's not a problem at all, it you can't then it's probably fair that you cut some family rather than he cut friends

CMOTDibbler Wed 01-Nov-17 22:03:19

Actually, I can see his point, especially if its not so much that you have a huge family, but more that he doesn't have much. Looking out at a church where you have a very few people rubs it in a bit (like, I'd have no one to attend if I got married now).
If the big disparity is at the cousin level, I'd drop them and have some friends instead

colourflash Wed 01-Nov-17 22:03:57

Glad to know I'm not being unreasonable. He is always so rational I can't work out why it's a problem!! It makes no sense! Its so sad because it means we haven't been able to pick a venue etc. Not until he accepts the guest list. We have been arguing for a year over this. It's exhausting.

AChickenCalledKorma Wed 01-Nov-17 22:04:54

It's hardly unusual for one family to be bigger than the other. Mine is about three times bigger than DHs and it really wasn't an issue at our wedding. The only thing we did do was make sure people knew they could sit anywhere, so the church congregation didn't look lop sided.

ginandtonicformeplease Wed 01-Nov-17 22:07:18

SIL's family (both parents only children) consisted of her parents, two siblings, one DGP and a great aunt....our family consisted of over forty people when she and DB got married. Church was rather lopsided so ushers put all friends on her side!

SockQueen Wed 01-Nov-17 22:07:25

I had 22 family members (like you, going out as far as first cousins). DH had 10 - should have been 12 but his grandparents were ill on the day. It didn't look silly and it worked fine.

Outedsochanged Wed 01-Nov-17 22:13:32

My husband had Mum, Gran, brother & girlfriend. I had 12 immediate family. Most of friends were mine too! All in all it was Prob 70% my family friends, 10%his, 20%joint. All had a fabulous time. We didn't do sides in the church. The church was full, (65 people, very small church) so couldn't anyway!

user1491678180 Wed 01-Nov-17 22:14:16

That is most awkward. I know someone who had a similar issue and it didn't end well, they called off the wedding and split a few months later!

He had his mom and brother and SIL and 2 nephews and his nan. (mom's mom.) Also his dad's mom and dad. (So 8 in total.)

She had 5 sisters and a brother, the 5 BILS and the SIL, and a total of 11 nephews and nieces, and then both sets of grandparents, and 3 aunts and 6 cousins and their partners and kids.

His parents families had lost touch with most family some 10 years before he was born, so his entire family was just his mom (dad died when he was 6,) and his brother. (And the SIL and their kids.) And 3 grandparents. Both parents were 'only' children, so he had no aunts, uncles, or cousins.

Basically, SHE had over 50 people to invite, (and that was excluding friends and colleagues,) and he had less than 10. He was proper bummed out about it, and kicked off and said she can only invite 10 too.

Went down very badly. As he was THAT controlling so early on, she called off he wedding, and they split shortly after.

No idea what to suggest OP, but the husband-to-be sounds very controlling already (to me anyway.) 'No you may NOT invite more people than me.' confused

Men who have behaved like this before the wedding, often get pissy and offended when their wife starts to become more successful than them, and starts to earn more.

Some men are just so insecure that they can't bear their woman being more successful or more popular than them, and yeah, they can't even stand them having a bigger family. He is basically jealous. An ugly trait. I would have to reconsider marrying this man.

Notonthestairs Wed 01-Nov-17 22:16:00

I think if he's feeling uncomfortable (whatever his reasoning) I'd just suggest he added some mates.

We split the wedding costs between us evenly so I think I'd do my best to get an even guest list however it was made up.

DappledThings Wed 01-Nov-17 22:21:00

My mum was like this. DH's parents both have 3 siblings each and most of them have 2-3 children. My mum is an only child and my dad has two sisters with two children each so I have 4 first cousins and DH has 14. At the time he also had 2 living grandparents and I had none. My mum was adamant he should pick and choose between his family to lessen the numbers and couldn't see she was being bonkers.

In the end we did also invite my third cousins and their grandmother as well who despite how it sounds are actually close to us.

It's silly to think there have to be even numbers. The only fair thigh is to invite the same level of relation on both sides

user1493413286 Wed 01-Nov-17 22:24:40

My DH has nearly double the amount of family coming to our wedding than I do. That’s just how it is, I consider him lucky to have more family and I wouldn’t expect him to invite any less. For example I’m inviting my aunt and uncle so he’s inviting all of his which seems fair
I might ask the ushers to sit people both sides though as it hadn’t occurred to me until reading this post

BewareOfDragons Wed 01-Nov-17 22:26:16

He's being ridiculous.

Your family size is what it is. His family size is what it is. It's not a comment on either of you or either of your families. Sheeesh.

He's sounding rather immature.

DancesWithOtters Wed 01-Nov-17 22:26:21

If we got married it would be about 60 DP family, 10 my family.

I wouldn't give a shit. It's not a competition. Is he 9 years old?

Ropsleybunny Wed 01-Nov-17 22:28:41

When my cousin got married there were only seven of us compared with 25 of her DH's family. It was fine, no one cared about the uneven guest list. Her DH has family he's close to and wanted to invite.

I think your fiancé is being unreasonable.

HolyShet Wed 01-Nov-17 22:30:34

Are you close to all those people?

All the cousins etc?

DH and I both have very little family so this wasn't an issue for us but from that perspective I kind of understand what he is getting at. Could he not invite a load of friends? For both of us friends have been our family in lots of ways.

However, if you've been postponing the wedding because you cannot agree, for over a year, perhaps that tells you something too. Compromise might be important. In this, and many things to come.

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