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No money for me

(62 Posts)
Tonotout Wed 01-Nov-17 18:20:04

I work almost full time hours and had dropped a few hours and worked my shifts around so that I could be looking after DC to save money on childcare but am becoming more and more annoyed that I have no money after I've allocated it to bills. Me and husband pay same amount into joint account for bills except for a couple which have been left in my name. I don't pay any money towards food as the bills in my name are around £450 anyway so that's more than food would be anyway.
He has some loans which he deals with and had negotiated a new loan which included getting renovations done and still paying less than the old loans he had. I have overdraft that I keep within arranged limit but with interest and I still can't pay anything off.
We both pay childcare equally.
I then scrape by trying to pay for petrol, and normally dip into child benefit to pay for any essentialls dc needs.
We haven't been on any holiday for a couple of years which is fine if not for him going away with lads for several days abroad.
I'm lucky if I buy myself some essentials when I maybe get a little extra in my pay from overtime. I'm not always able to get any overtime otherwise I'd suck it up and use it for the overdraft.
I sometimes meet friends for a coffee, but no nights out or events to go to.
I don't know how I've got into this situation and I'm now really getting fed up of it.
I suppose my AIBU is do I have to work on my own to sort this out as every time I've mentioned that I have no money he says, I've had a pay cut too.

BumpowderSneezeonAndSnot Wed 01-Nov-17 18:22:10

What is the household income? Why not put all money in one pot, pay you and him an allowance as if it were a bill alongside the actual bills and save what's left?

Fruitcorner123 Wed 01-Nov-17 18:23:57

Yes put alll.your money in one pot and share in the fairest way you can think of. Me and DH have a fair share of disposable income each even though he wearns far more than me.

nocake Wed 01-Nov-17 18:26:34

I would be re-organising the family finances. We put all our money into one pot/account then we each get the same amount each month to spend on whatever we want (clothes, coffee, hobbies etc).

Tonotout Wed 01-Nov-17 18:46:41

Thanks, i actually don't know how much he earns but always has enough for social events, man toys and new clothes.
I know my overdraft is my own fault but I think if we could get rid of it and share more of the family money (not that we discuss it like that) we'd be able to do more as a family.
I feel like we're not on the same team.

Allthewaves Wed 01-Nov-17 19:07:37

Lack of transparency with finances/wages is awful in a marriage. We arnt a one pot family but we do have fair finances. I know how much dh earns and visa versa. We both know all the bills and debts - have a spreadsheet.

Dh give me agreed X amount (I pay all bills and outgoings), he puts some into each of our savings (we have separate accounts) and what's left is his spending money. I have the same spending after everything is paid. Dh puts in more as he is bigger earner

bastardkitty Wed 01-Nov-17 19:10:31

Use the Child Maintenance Service calculator to work out what he would have to pay you if you separated. Then leave him.

Pengggwn Wed 01-Nov-17 19:13:21

I can't believe you don't know (at least roughly) your DH's salary or monthly income and he lets you struggle for basics. Shocking.

Threenme Wed 01-Nov-17 19:16:42

This baffles me dh out earns me because I do childcare and work my job round kids. I have equal access to all the money though! If I didn't do what I do he couldn't do his job.

Parker231 Wed 01-Nov-17 19:19:51

It’s not something I would accept. I’d suggest you challenge him that in a joint relationship you should both have equal amounts of your own money after paying from the joint account for mortgage, bills, food, debts, children related costs. Why should he be able to buy himself personal items and you struggle.

You need full access to all documents - his pay slips, bank statements, saving accounts etc

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 Wed 01-Nov-17 19:22:31

I Agree with pp, we know pretty much what each other earn, we pay in vastly different amounts into the joint account (him three times more than me) but it works out that we have roughly the same amount of money for our own funds left so it’s fair, what we do with that is our choice. We also have joint fun money so days/meals out and takeaways come out of that.
I can’t understand how you can share a home / have children with someone without discussing finances and making them fair for both people.

YellowMakesMeSmile Wed 01-Nov-17 19:34:30

It seems silly to have dropped your hours then moan you have less money.

Did your DH agree to pick up more costs so you could work less or was it your decision?

Quartz2208 Wed 01-Nov-17 19:39:20

What bills are solely in your name

And what husband prioritises lads holidays over hiss family

You have a husband issue

DerelictWreck Wed 01-Nov-17 19:40:36

If you don't know what he earns, how do you know your situation is fair?

That's bonkers OP! What if his take-home pay is twice yours? Then he should be paying twice as much into the household costs pot!

Crumbs1 Wed 01-Nov-17 19:41:06

Your married so there is no,his and your money. It is family money and should be equally accessible to you both. Joint account for all money. Sort all bills first, then food budget, then transport costs then allocate extras such as activities for all family members. What’s left should provide a personal allowance and savings. Agree what personal allowance covers - presents/toiletries over and above basics etc
Debts are also shared responsibility.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered Wed 01-Nov-17 19:41:10

Hang on, he can afford gadgets, new clothes and nights out and you can't?? That's seriously wrong. You need transparency of finances - how about paying everything into one account, all joint expenses coming out of it (including DC's stuff) and you each get an equal allowance of 'spends',

Turkkadin Wed 01-Nov-17 19:41:29

I just cannot comprehend the threads on here about married couples having no support for each other when it comes to money!
How can you not know what your own husband earns? The reason you don't know is because he is very conveniently not telling you, happy to let you struggle on with very few treats while he has trips with lads and man toys. I find it completely unbelievable. How can this be in any way fair and kind to a woman who is working almost full time?
I don't work anywhere near full time and my husband would never see me go without a thing.

KeepItAsItIs Wed 01-Nov-17 19:41:49

I couldn't be with someone where I didn't know what he earns. Why do you not know this? Why is he happy to see you scrimping and scraping while he affords trips away, clothes and boys toys?

Me and DH don't have joint finances at all. However, we know exactly what is coming in and out and we each pay certain bills. He transfers money to me each month so we both have the same amount of spending, although at the moment I have more as he has to pay back his student loan. But this is how it should be.

Butterymuffin Wed 01-Nov-17 19:42:24

How can he justify going on lads' trips abroad when you've had no family holiday? Totally unacceptable.

PineConesAplenty Wed 01-Nov-17 19:44:08

Why do you not know what your husband earns.

You both need to sit down with wage slips to work out your income and your outgoings.

Dh and I sit down every year and have a financial meeting and using a spreadsheet and our credit card bill info (always paid in full, we use it to earn cashback) we look out our spends over the year, so roughly what we have spent on food/eating out/clothes etc

Without full transparency you cannot continue forward. You are struggling, he seems to have money. Totally unfair.

glow1984 Wed 01-Nov-17 19:45:40

YANBU

But YABU to have not insisted on full transparency over your DHs finances

I know exactly what my partner earns and what his outgoings are. He knows my salary and outgoings. We don’t have a joint account but I have a budget where I’ve worked out what we’re both spending and have left after paying for everything, and I usually send him some money as I am the higher earner.

MrsPicklesonSmythe Wed 01-Nov-17 19:45:58

Sounds similar to my marriage. He point blank refused to tell me what he warned or our financial situation and I wasn't allowed a life and all the kids expenses, childcare and clothes etc fell to me whilst he had regular weekends away, new clothes, gadgets etc whenever he felt like it.

I divorced him on grounds of financial abuse.

MrsPicklesonSmythe Wed 01-Nov-17 19:46:17

*earned

MissConductUS Wed 01-Nov-17 19:46:27

I had to laugh at man toys. grin

Turkkadin Wed 01-Nov-17 19:46:45

There is absolutely nothing equal or remotely feminist in a set up like this. Just another example of a woman being taken fir a ride.

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