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Did best friend sabotage my hen do?

(106 Posts)
disneydatknee Wed 01-Nov-17 17:51:32

This has been bugging me for ages. My best friend organised my hen do about 6 months ago and hardly anyone turned up. I gave her a whole list of friends to invite and not a single one attended, just her and my female family members. After the hen do, I spoke with the women that had been invited and they all said the same thing, BF had given them no details of the hen do until about a week before it was due to happen. Despite me giving her all their contact details about a year in advance when we first discussed ideas of what I would like to do. So she didn’t give them a date, time, cost etc until last minute. All of these friends are mums.They need to organise childcare and don’t have money to burn. So unfortunately couldn’t go with such short notice. They were all very apologetic and seemed genuinely gutted they couldn’t make it. They did all attend the wedding. One friend mentioned how strange BF was about the whole thing in general.

Another thing that came up. BF organised a spa day for just the two of us during the day (hen was in the evening) and I was led to believe she had paid for this out of her own pocket and was extremely grateful. She did book a spa near her (I’m 40 miles away so I had to travel down for it) but wasn’t that bothered at the time. I now find out it was actually my SIL who paid for it all. A spa day she wasn’t even invited on! They were in contact during planning as main hen do was where I live and BF doesn’t know the area well. SIL was also left to pay remainder of the bill for all the friends who couldn’t make it. Why would she treat my SIL like that?! For context, SIL is a lone parent with 3 kids. BF has two incomes and no kids.

AIBU to think she deliberately sabotaged it? She didn’t have any friends at her own hen do besides me. I didn’t organise it by the way! Her sister did. I’ve always felt like she’s trying to compete with me and now have this horrible feeling that she did it on purpose. What do you think?

LindyHemming Wed 01-Nov-17 17:54:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ellendegeneres Wed 01-Nov-17 17:54:56

Sounds like sabotage sorry ☹️

I'd have to ask her what the hell she was playing at

SmallVera Wed 01-Nov-17 17:56:47

Have you asked her directly why she waited for so long?

Fruitcorner123 Wed 01-Nov-17 17:57:51

She either did it on purpose or was extremely disorganised about it. Is she normally disorganised? Either way it's not being a good friend. You gave her a year's notice! The fact that she got your DSIL to pay is awful too I would ask her about it. But dont expect the truth.

The fact that you even have to question whether she did it suggests she can't really be your best friend. That's not how best friends behave. I would consider the position of BF vacant and focus on other friendships

Dottie39 Wed 01-Nov-17 17:58:44

You need to ask her!

MissionItsPossible Wed 01-Nov-17 17:58:44

How cruel. I'd be hesitant to invite her to the wedding in case she sabotages that.

ijustwannadance Wed 01-Nov-17 17:58:50

She isn't a good friend. Sounds like she's jealous of you.

Namechangetempissue Wed 01-Nov-17 18:01:01

She sounds awful to be honest.
If I'm being generous, she has at the least been really lazy and greedy (money wise) but sadly it does sound like she has purposefully ruined things for you.
I would distance myself from now on.

Orangealien Wed 01-Nov-17 18:01:31

Holy crap. I'd reimburse SIL if you are able.

I'd phase this friend out and make sure other friendships/family relationships are not damaged!

Santawontbelong Wed 01-Nov-17 18:02:54

She def made sure your celebrations + day weren't better than hers didn't she? Time to move on without her I feel.

DorothyHarris Wed 01-Nov-17 18:05:13

This happened to me. She waited so long to plan anything there was only 3 of us. It still upsets me now that no-one came and it was 5 years ago! I'm coming to realise that she is a user so I don't contact her much anymore. Maybe you should do the same OP. Sorry. It's really horrible isn't it flowersI

KC225 Wed 01-Nov-17 18:05:40

Sounds like she wanted to be 'the only friend' there. So yes, it does sound deliberate. even more so if her Hen do was the same.

But I thinking need to take some responsibility here. You gave her a list of people a year in advance and at no point did you check how the arrangements were going, or casually ask who had signed up. Did none of your other friends ask what was happening? If you were having one?

I would definitely call her out on the spa payments. That was mean to take credit when your SIL paid. Again 5 months later. Where do you people live? Clearly somewhere without modern technology

Someoneasdumbasthis Wed 01-Nov-17 18:07:22

She’s your best friend right. Why don’t you ask her?

T00ManyB00ks Wed 01-Nov-17 18:09:56

That makes me feel really sad for you. I know this wasn’t what you were asking but is it possible that you can organise a post-wedding get together with your friends?
Without your BF maybe?!?

SilverSpot Wed 01-Nov-17 18:11:14

You BF is a total bitch.
I would ask her calmly WTF is going on.
And reimburse SiL.

LagunaBubbles Wed 01-Nov-17 18:11:41

I assume you havent asked her as you havent mentioned it. Ask her. It doesnt look good though. You also call her your best friend...is she jealous of your other friends??

BenLui Wed 01-Nov-17 18:15:26

I’m bit puzzled as to why you hadn’t discussed it with any of your friends before hand? Or asked your BF for a list of who had confirmed?

disneydatknee Wed 01-Nov-17 18:18:52

We are not friends anymore so asking her about this would be pointless. She pretty much ignored me as soon as my wedding was over and done with. And so I gave up trying to be her friend. Since then I’ve been mulling over lots of other scenarios where she’s behaved like this but I’ve always brushed it aside thinking someone who’s meant to be your friend wouldn’t do that deliberately? Also, not to sound petty but her wedding a year before ours, we gave them £100 as a gift towards their honeymoon. We have kids and not much money, it came out of our own wedding fund. She gave us just £30 for ours and then bragged about a £600 bargain holiday she had just booked with her hubby. Typical of her really.

disneydatknee Wed 01-Nov-17 18:20:56

I did discuss with friends before hand. They had all been invited months before that and they all confirmed. But they were given no details until the week before which is why none of them could go. They said they all chased her up on it but to no avail.

Fruitcorner123 Wed 01-Nov-17 18:21:55

£100 is a lot though and £600 is a cheap holiday.

Not that I am standing up for her but I would find that level of gift hard to reciprocate.

disneydatknee Wed 01-Nov-17 18:22:44

That’s a fair comment. It is a lot of money. Just seemed like a slap in the face after everything else

OlennasWimple Wed 01-Nov-17 18:24:09

You do sound petty comparing gifts, and was she supposed to forego her holiday in order to give you a larger wedding present? hmm

It sounds as if you are best off without each other in your lives. Sometimes there is just a really unhealthy dynamic between people, and it's not good for anyone.

Fruitcorner123 Wed 01-Nov-17 18:27:17

You are better off without her and I would organise a post wedding party with my friends to make up for the non hen do. You could pay for SIL share as a gesture. If it was a whie ago just have a big event for your next birthday and tell friends its to make up for hen party.

I would be very hurt by this but there's nothing you can do now so best to forget it.

disneydatknee Wed 01-Nov-17 18:34:37

I would like to pay SIL some of the money back. I feel awful about it. Exactly, it’s hurtful but nothing I can do about it now. Just wondered if I was being a paranoid idiot.

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