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MOH and hen do

(163 Posts)
Unreasonableunreasonableness Wed 01-Nov-17 16:00:00

Sorry this could get long, I will try to keep it short as possible. Name changed as this would be very outing.

I have an old friend I have known since I was about 13. We have kept up with each other sporadically through the years, especially as when adults we ended up living far apart (Scotland - mid England). Until recently we hadn't seen each other in nearly 10 years but have been in touch alot recently due to both having our first child.

He is getting married next year (to the mother of his child). She has significant mental health issues one of which is a tenancy to paranoia in friendship meaning that she has no one who she feels close to. I have some experience in this area. Because of this, my friend asked if I would be maid of honour for their wedding as he thought I would be supportive to her and be a calming influence on the day. She was in agreement btw.

I agreed but also said to him that the distance could make it difficult. Not least because I hadn't even met the bride, but also because as a sahm I had very little funds and no childcare so they would have to come to me. He agreed with this.

Since then me and the bride have chatted lots online sending pictures back and forth of suggestions and they also travelled down and i was able to meet her (on a day when another friend B of mine was visiting and she is now also involved in group chats).

Since then alot has started to be asked of me. Several meetups have been suggested, many of which I've had to say no to as they would have been expensive (going to events in London, needing a hotel stay) or needing childcare as children aren't able to go (nail art shows etc). The bride asked when we could go shopping and we arranged a wedding dress trip close to me but unfortunately had to cancel last minute as she was ill. I've always tried to suggest alternative suggestions that I can do, closer to home, when dh has a day off etc but none were taken up.

Bride then asks that i come to her for shopping for her and my bridesmaid dress and fittings and for the girls as she now wants my daughter to be flower girl. I'd have to stay in hotel for these as no room with them. She also wants a hen do of a spa day and shopping day in a far city (from both of us) needing two days of hotel stay. I keep trying to explain to her that I can't do these. I have no childcare and no money. I suggest again things that I can do e.g. I can stretch to the spa day but only if it is close to home and I don't have to pay for the hotel.

I find she is just not 'getting' it so I open up a chat with my friend (groom) and her to explain things. I then find he questions why I can't afford it - on paper we are alot better off than them. On the day we met up he and my dh had spoken about things like the whiskey he likes to drink etc and he says if dh can afford them why can I not afford to treat myself too? At that point I blew up and pointed out that all that they were asking would add up to well over £1500 and that's before we even get to hotel etc for the wedding day! It doesn't really compare to a bottle of £20 whiskey every month or so. I calmed and said that I am happy to be MOH still but that I can't do more than I have stated so if they want to find someone else who can do more then that is fine, that I will still come as a guest and even help her get ready on the day.

They went away and thought about it and said (unfortunately!?) that they do still want me to be MOH they just think that it's really sad that I'll be missing out on the bridesmaid treatment. We agreed that she will do her dress shopping up there, we would re think the hen do and I would shop around for dresses and send pictures as she doesn't want to do online. I asked for a budget for this and they said £30 as they can't afford more. I pointed out that tart is quite low for the full on bridesmaid style she is wanting but said I'd do my best. Since then she has continued to message telling me to go to various shops, most of which I don't have here and that I need to go asap as they have sales on NOW ado i am still feeling the pressure.

Now my aibu, friend B has obviously been witnessing all this. She says that I am being really unfair to be like this. That I wouldn't have wanted to shop for my wedding dress alone so it's mean to suggest that she do this. If I really tried I could probably manage to do these things but it would mean spending pretty much all our savings.

Soo.... aibu? Or are they?

Unreasonableunreasonableness Wed 01-Nov-17 16:00:42

OH wow that was long. Sorry and thanks if you make it through. As you can see I'm pretty stressed about all this.

IDoLikeARainbow Wed 01-Nov-17 16:03:51

You need to step away. You don’t know his lady and (understandably) don’t want to spend huge amounts of your time and money on her day, however if it was a closer friend it may we’ll be that you would feel differently.

I think gradually decline the honour and suggest a more local friend takes the role.

QueenofallIsee Wed 01-Nov-17 16:06:39

It is hardly your fault that this woman has no friends! Fuck off would i spend all my savings on someone elses wedding dreams! Friend B is being ridiculous. In your position (easy to say now) I don't think I would step into being a MOH for a stranger that lives hundreds of miles away and who is clearly hard work

Its not too late to pull out so consider it for your own sake

dinosaursandtea Wed 01-Nov-17 16:07:05

WOW. YANBU and it sounds like you’re trying to be a really good friend here. Tell B to back the hell off.

Justmuddlingalong Wed 01-Nov-17 16:08:04

She wants you to attend a nail art show, while giving you a 30 quid budget for your MOH dress? I'd bail now, the expectations are too high and unmanageable for you.

Ausparent Wed 01-Nov-17 16:09:47

I don't know about being unreasonable but if there is a way to extricate yourself from this I would try and find it.

If I was in your position I would have a chat with the bride and suggest that she choses someone local who can better offer her the support she clearly feels she needs. Not only is this a lot of stress for you but she is probably feeling disappointed that her plans are not coming to fruition. Maybe you can be involved in another way?

I was bridesmaid for my sister and had to to on one hen night which cost about 20quid and turn up for the rehearsal and ceremony. She did the same for me with the same amount of commitment. But if your friend has her heart set on this 3 ring circus, maybe you aren't equipped to do the job she wants you to x

BenLui Wed 01-Nov-17 16:11:03

I would step away politely.

Asking someone you haven’t really kept up with for ten years to be a MofH for a woman she doesn’t know is fairly seriously odd in the first place.

Asking you to spend money you have said you can’t afford is way, way over the line.

Nikephorus Wed 01-Nov-17 16:11:53

YANBU. You sound like you've explained from the first that it would have to be them doing the travelling & that you couldn't afford much. And now they expect you to jump through expensive hoops. Not sure what planet friend B is on but it's not Earth. Why should anyone expect you to use up your savings?!!! shock

Ausparent Wed 01-Nov-17 16:12:39

Ok, I have just reread your original post and want to change my response.
Run! Run away as fast as you can!

If you never see him again it won't be the end of the world and you can spend all the money you save on a week long luxury holiday for yourself!

GreenTulips Wed 01-Nov-17 16:12:54

I also wouldn't be doing all of the above - even a good friend its way too expensive

If they can't afford much for the dresses then they can't afford spa days etc

She should simplify the wedding

Justmuddlingalong Wed 01-Nov-17 16:13:39

Perhaps Friend B could step into the breach wink

Ragwort Wed 01-Nov-17 16:16:05

You need to get out of this situation now, just explain to your friend that it is not appropriate for you to be MOH and leave it at that.

He has put you in a very difficult situation and if it means the end of your friendship, so be it.

This will only get a lot worse for you.

kjhh Wed 01-Nov-17 16:17:52

@Unreasonableunreasonableness tbh for my wedding, none of my bridesmaids did anything to help me other than one drove me around a couple of times for me to buy their outfits. They didn’t care about my hen do and I actually had to pay them back for the taxi back home on my hen night... so I can understand why the bride may be a bit :/ however!
This 1. Isn’t your best friend
2. If you can’t afford it, you cant afford it. You especially shouldn’t have to justify anything to anyone either, regardless of whether it’s a bottle or bloody chewing gum.

I’d just back away from it all, why give yourself the hassle of having all of this responsibility? You didn’t ask for this, and you can’t (understandably) make that commitment! X

Unreasonableunreasonableness Wed 01-Nov-17 16:18:08

Thing is, I said in our conversation that I was happy to still be MOH but that I would be fine if they wanted to ask someone more local who could do more. I'd feel bad turning around now and saying that I won't do it after all. Especially now they've come back and said that they definitely want me and there's no one else!

kjhh Wed 01-Nov-17 16:20:36

@Unreasonableunreasonableness asking you because they have no one else does NOT make you a bad person for turning this down. Either they accept that you have to do things your way or they take that weight off your shoulders. It’s so stupid! I think all of this is really unfair on you, and so weird too!

Justmuddlingalong Wed 01-Nov-17 16:23:45

...said that they definitely want me and there's no one else! That is not your problem. Don't be made to feel guilty. You explained what you could and couldn't contribute, they're changing the remit.

pasturesgreen Wed 01-Nov-17 16:26:02

Why the hell did you agree to be maid of honour in the first place, given the situation? I'd say it's too late to extricate yourself now, so go through the motions and do the bits that are affordable.

expatinscotland Wed 01-Nov-17 16:29:16

There's no one else because they are pains in the arse! I'd decline now. 'DH and I have been talking it over and this isn't going to work.'

redshoeblueshoe Wed 01-Nov-17 16:29:53

Honestly - you lost me at Nail Art Shows

Gemini69 Wed 01-Nov-17 16:30:22

this is hellish OP... make a stand now that this is not a situation you're able to accommodate as MOH anymore..... give them enough notice to find a replacement... flowers

LagunaBubbles Wed 01-Nov-17 16:30:35

Tell Friend B if she thinks you are so bad then she could do a much better job and can take over!

Jaxhog Wed 01-Nov-17 16:31:39

The bride is asking too much of you. And you aren't even a close friend of hers! I'd back away as soon as you can, and say this isn't at all what you'd expected of the role and hope she can find one of her own friends who can participate more fully. She must have other friends, or a bridal shower wouldn't be possible. Maybe she could ask one of them.

Actually, your initial involvement seems very odd to me. Although I can understand why you wanted to help.

I've been MoH twice, and this is way more than I was ever asked to do!

Jaxhog Wed 01-Nov-17 16:33:56

PS. Friend B is off her trolly! If you were a close friend and lived nearby - yes. But you aren't and you don't.

Slimthistime Wed 01-Nov-17 16:35:46

If I've understood all that correctly...

you said this was far too expensive

you have been ignored

I would ask step down from the whole thing. If your friend the groom doesn't understand, how good is the friendship anyway? A friend wouldn't expect you to spend £100s or £1000s of money on this even you had it!

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