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Difficult relationship with my mum

(11 Posts)
aims331 Wed 01-Nov-17 15:29:49

Apologies for the long post!
Me and my mum have always had a difficult relationship and she even says that from birth we didn’t bond. As I grew up she had really bad issues with anger and depression. She would often get in my face and scream and I could feel her spit on my face. Me and my brother used to be terrified and hid when she was angry. I’m now 24 with two children and currently 36 weeks.

During my adolescence I was hospitalised for a year with mental health issues and took a long time to recover from emotional (mainly her), physical(my step dad) and sexual abuse (from someone else). During my stay in hospital I did not have many visits from family at all which kind of makes me feel a bit sad that some people want to be in my life now that it’s better). I’m recovered now and have been for quite a few years. My mum is on antidepressants but I really think she has BPD and she won’t tell the doctors the whole picture. When I had my first child health professionals recommended that I should not allow her back into my life (we fell out for a while). She is completely different with my kids.

I’ve always craved a normal relationship with my mum even after the past. I see other people happy with their mums and do nice things together and I wish we had that. I probably was a difficult child I won’t deny that. Anyway we keep having fall outs and I feel like I’m walking on egg shells. I can never be honest with her or tell her anything in case it makes her flip. Last week we fell out because a few months ago she offered and promised to keep a week of her holiday entitlement in case of emergency/ c section date etc.

Last week I got my c section date and told her and she then went and asked work for the day off using her holiday. She was surprised that they said no... she comes back to me and says they said no and that she used all her holiday. Also the weekend she took time off to go to an old school friends daughters 21st birthday party the other side of the country. She stayed at my grandads house who is still grieving my nans death and used him as a taxi service because she wanted to drink. She left my youngest brother at home with my step dad who took time off from work to spend with my mum and my youngest brother and she didn’t tell him confusedI think her head is all over the place at the moment which is understandable because she lost her mum. But she keeps saying things and then not sticking to her word, keeps going off doing her own thing without thinking about anyone else (always has just jumped in the car and bugger everyone else) while my youngest brother just sits at home at the computer day in and day out. First thing he does when he gets back from school and I watched him go from being a bubbly child to someone with no social skills. He is extremely quiet and doesn’t make eye contact when you talk to him and usually just disappears when we visit.

Sorry I’m rambling sad so after my mum said she can’t do it, my partner booked childcare with a lovely nanny we have used many times before. I told my mum that I felt a bit upset that she promised something and didn’t keep to it. She flipped out and went into blaming work, blaming my hospital for the dates then blaming me. Then said ‘you wouldn’t know anything about work because you have never worked and you get a bloke to pay for you’ and I’m pathetic etc. I said I feel like I can’t ever be honest with you and she said ‘ha you are never fucking honest’. Then she said that I make her want to top herself.. so I hung up because I couldn’t listen to anymore. One of her most frequently used lines is ‘I just want to get in the car and keep driving’. When my nan passed she said to me ‘ I finally know how you must of felt in the past with self harm and suicide because I want to whack my head really hard on something’. I was really shocked hearing it come from my mum.

Today she called me and I picked up the phone and I’m probably being unreasonable because I really didn’t want to answer. I didn’t talk much and kept quiet but she spoke like nothing had happened last week and all bubbly etc. I got off the phone thinking what should I do? Do I keep her at a distance or what? When she’s good she’s good but when she’s emotional and things it’s scary. I have been having nightmares about her and I have to think about my kids and baby. I think mental health problems run in my family on the female side (my mum and her mum had difficult relationship and my nan and her mum). I did a lot of therapy and in the past and recently went and bought some refresher books for cbt and dbt and some parenting books because I really really want to break the cycle and be the best parent I can possibly be. I’m just not so sure about what I should do with my relationship with my own mother.

Santawontbelong Wed 01-Nov-17 15:33:07

I am nc with my dm after a similar childhood.
Def recommend it.
You don't owe her anything. She hasn't got an automatic right to be a gm either . Your dc need you to be balanced and happy. And I bet you will be without her around.

schoolgaterebel Wed 01-Nov-17 15:40:37

No matter how much energy you pour into your relationship with her, or how careful you are around her, things will never get better, she is very broken. It is not your fault.

I would preserve your energy for those people in your life who reciprocate and who nurture you back, your DP, DC and friends. Be kind to yourself flowers

peachgreen Wed 01-Nov-17 15:41:15

Don't let her undo all the hard work you've done to rebuild your mental health. Good luck with the baby. smile

LittlestKnight Wed 01-Nov-17 15:47:09

This could almost be about my mum.
She's 'flaky' and tells you she's going to do something then doesn't. And just takes off without caring about anyone else. This is selfishness on her part. Everyone gets the blame but her.
The good times are always on her terms.
It sounds like she's caused you health issues in the past and if she has then there is always a risk that she'll do it again.
I'm glad to hear you're trying to break the cycle. So am I 🙂
I find the website out of the fog really useful. It's for family of people with personality disorders.
I wish you the best of luck

aims331 Wed 01-Nov-17 15:50:17

Thank you so much for your comments. I feel guilty keeping a distance and also forgot to mention that after our a

aims331 Wed 01-Nov-17 15:57:27

Posted too early! After our argument she rang my partner. He was at work and in a meeting so didn’t answer.. I know that if I do go nc then she will keep calling him and making him feel awkward and bring other people into it to make me feel worse about it.

Also forgot to mention that the comment she made about work really hurt because she knows that I’m putting a lot of effort into my part time degree (second year). She was also a SAHM when I was younger.

LittlestKnight Wed 01-Nov-17 16:05:05

Don't let her make you feel guilty. You can block her calls if you need to.
You don't have to completely stop contact. You could start by minimising contact if that is more comfortable for you.
It would be a shame for you to keep putting up with her BS just because you feel guilty or worried that she'll get others involved.
I'm sorry but she doesn't sound like a nice woman and she certainly doesn't sound supportive.
Fwiw I haven't gone no contact with my mum but it's certainly low contact. It suits me at the moment. My brother is pretty much no contact.
You do what's right for you

DJBaggySmalls Wed 01-Nov-17 16:09:28

You have a difficult Mum. She told you that she had trouble bonding with you when you were a baby and she kept you at arms length. You did not make that choice, babies do try to bond with their Mum.
All you can do is learn to accept thats the way she is, and move on. She cant change into the person you want. If you havent tried counselling or CBT yet it would be worth doing that.

Nifflerbowtruckle Wed 01-Nov-17 16:36:36

You have a very similar relationship with your mum that mine has with hers. My Nanna has barely anything to do with my mum as an adult though and isn’t abusive now. The relationship you want with your mum will never happen. My mum at 49 is only just coming to terms with the fact she’ll never have that warm loving relationship with her mum. She settles for what she can get but as her children are all adults she is no longer physically or emotionally abusive.

It’s hard to watch someone desperate for something that will never happen. My mum would constantly put herself out there trying to forge that bond only to be rebuffed. You can choose the relationship you have with your mum but you have to understand she will never change. You’ll never have the relationship you crave and as well as the fear you get from her temper you’ll also have the what if tearing away at you. Soon enough your kids will see her unreasonable behaviour she won’t be able to hide it from them forever.

If it was me I would go no contact because I couldn’t bear to put my heart repeatedly on the line for someone to stamp on but only you can decide what you want.

aims331 Wed 01-Nov-17 19:25:16

Thank you for your advice smile It has really helped.

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