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to vent my frustrations re: working from home

(86 Posts)
AllRightNowInFactItsAGas Wed 01-Nov-17 15:14:01

Sorry - nobody i can talk to IRL.

I have a small/growing business and have moved it forwards enough to have staff who do most of the on-site work and a full-time person to help me manage the day-to-day communications with customers and staff.

I cannot afford an actual office so myself and that person work remotely from home but obviously we share access to the systems we have etc. Sometimes one of us or the other will go out and cover work on-site, this is at least a couple of times a week for both of us and sometimes we both have to leave the office for site work all week and then catch up as we can, for me this is in the evenings and weekends but i cannot afford my colleague after hours so she just sticks to her week days. We both work quite intensively when we are in our respective home offices and communicate a lot throughout the days. So there's no real need for the expense of an office - except for this one which I am resenting to the point of exploding ...

Every frigging time I sit down at my work station to concentrate and my dh is around he will pretend I am not working and talk over whatever it is I'm trying to get my head around. Then I have to start the whole thought process again each time he does it but with additional anger and stress. I make mistakes that I shouldn't make because to him, I am not at work I am there in plain sight. to talk to!

He does not want to talk to me much if i am not working but will not stop talking to me if he can see that I am. It's like he feels left out and must distract my attention back to him. I've told him and told him but he cannot stop and says I am rude to say 'shhh' and then makes a big fuss until I've got cross and forgotten the task and then this causes issues at work because i should have completed the task.

I've even tried talking back over him ie reading aloud from my job list and muttering to myself about it, or reading out the figures I am calculating so he will visibly 'see' I am working because just the mute act of working peacefully is invisible to him. I am just there to talk to and joke with if I am quiet but nothing works, he still tries to interrupt my thoughts. I've told him so often how tiring it is and how i'm trying to build our company but it's so hard with him distracting me during work times. He seems to agree but just does it anyway when he feels like talking to me.

He is a partner in the business but I set it up and I set all the systems of work etc, he cannot figure out the business side so that is my job, he is great in a practical sense on-site and for any practical, physical support we need like delivering supplies etc but he has to leave the business end to myself and my colleague because he has not interest in that side. I've been in this industry for over 20 years and have a lot of industry related knowledge that he is not interested in but he is good at things other than the business side and I have my colleague for that.

Today me and him were both headed out on-site, him driving , so i called my colleague as always to take care of a few things and help her handle a difficult client, there were several items to discuss the management of and after the call (all during our car journey) he said 'You have been NATTERING for an hour.'

There are SO many things wrong with that statement. Firstly the journey was only half an hour anyway, secondly, all the issues needed fully addressing whatever his objections and mainly, his choice of word 'nattering' for us thrashing out urgent business matters.

I said it was completely disrespectful to reduce our conversations down to women 'nattering' and he held firm, carried on ranting at me that a lot of it was just gossip. I asked for one example as it had all felt pretty pressures to me. He said 'One of the client's is just nonsense to deal with and we should get rid of him instead of all this' I told him that colleague and I were perfectly happy to manage difficult clients thank you very much and that us discussing this does not make it 'nattering '. It's serious business and we need to get on with it all, he said that I had brought up things from the past that the same client had said and done, so that's just gossiping, I told him she had to have all the facts in order to handle him correctly. Anyway i was so cross because NONE of this is for him to be dealing with and other than being in the car too, there was no need for him to have an opinion on the conversation or the length of it.

Top and bottom is I was in tears of frustration, and although he ended up saying sorry, i am sick of it and don't want him to interrupt or belittle my work in any way shape or form ever again. Especially since he directly benefits from the long hours i am putting in with increasing household income.

I could be working right now but decided to vent here instead as I now can't concentrate for feeling upset.

Am I over-reacting? He thinks I am although he did seem sorry but inly because I was upset for hours did he finally back down. He said it was because he is 'tired'. Maybe I am over-reacting though?

I just feel so belittled sometimes. What is going on?

AllRightNowInFactItsAGas Wed 01-Nov-17 15:15:55

Oops sorry that was long! I didn't know I had so much to say! blush

FacelikeaBagofHammers Wed 01-Nov-17 15:25:04

He sounds very frustrating.

Can you remove him from the business? Buy him out? He doesn't sound like much of a support to you if he's belittling you and disrespecting you like that.

In the mean time, can you arrange separate work stations/rooms or spaces, or even put up a partition so you're not such a target for him.

I'd probably have killed him by now OP.

AllRightNowInFactItsAGas Wed 01-Nov-17 15:32:28

Thank you Hammers I just had to get it all off my chest!

He was saying he was rude out of frustration because he's doing lots of driving for work and it tires him but i love driving but i had to stop driving with him as a passenger as he kept interfering with the indicator and telling me do this and that and go down this way. i hated driving with him in so now have a boundary that I won't drive if he is in the car.

This obviously leaves all the driving to him. Now he uses that as the excuse to be extra tired and so be rude to me.

AllRightNowInFactItsAGas Wed 01-Nov-17 15:33:13

You're right as well, I think I do need a more private work space.

Lottapianos Wed 01-Nov-17 15:38:14

You were absolutely right to call him out on his critical, meddling, undermining nonsense. This would drive me totally crackers. Its a shame you had to end up in tears because of it but I hope he takes you and your work seriously from now on.

I think you do need a more private work space but he sounds critical and interfering in general, even outside of work. He needs to pack that in.

ahatlikeprincessmarina Wed 01-Nov-17 15:38:52

He's undermining you by stealth - sounds like deliberate distraction because he can't believe anything could be more important than him and what he wants and thinks. He doesn't just forget - the fact he can't be bothered talking to you when you're not busy says it all. He's a child, and a manipulative one too.

You need a private office, but in the meantime, what would happen if you said: "Right, I need TWO HOURS to finish this piece of work. Let's have lunch together at 1pm. Please leave me completely alone for TWO HOURS with no interruptions." ?

hellsbellsmelons Wed 01-Nov-17 15:39:41

Start driving again but only if he sits in the back on the other side of the car to you.
He sounds like a complete dick-head to be honest.
Have you asked him why he belittled you and your role in the business or why he insists or interrupting your work time?
I think you need to stop saying 'shhhh' and tell him to FUCK-OFF in no uncertain terms.
Do you have time for counselling?
I think you need to get to the bottom of why he resents your success!

Shoxfordian Wed 01-Nov-17 15:40:07

It seems like his role is more junior to yours? He may feel insecure about it but that's no excuse for this behaviour. He's acting like a complete idiot. He's undermining you and belittling you.

Can you buy him out? In the meantime go work in a Costa or a Starbucks or the library.

I'm annoyed for you! He sounds incredibly irritating

peachgreen Wed 01-Nov-17 15:43:17

I hate to trot out that old Mumsnet cliche, but... you don't have a working from home problem, you have a DH problem. He needs to respect you on a professional level. Essentially you're his boss, OP - and I bet you wouldn't put up with this behaviour from any other employee!

MrTrebus Wed 01-Nov-17 15:44:39

What exactly does he bring to the table? Does he do anything at home whilst he's just sitting around and you're doing all the business work? I.e cooking cleaning etc etc. He should have time to need to talk to you so much because he should be super busy with house stuff or ANYTHING else than just irritating you. What does he bring to the business exactly? And lastly what does he bring to the romantic table? I don't see how you could truly love someone that is this irritating, it's like He is trying to deliberately sabotage you and the business, why would you do that as a partner to someone in life and in business?? Makes no sense. He sounds jealous and like He has a massive ego so you therefore cannot even drive properly because it's not HIS way of driving. What a bellend.

MrTrebus Wed 01-Nov-17 15:45:08

*SHOULDN'T have time

BeALert Wed 01-Nov-17 15:47:51

When I'm working from home I have an office, and if anyone else is home I close the door. Otherwise everyone assumes they can just pop in and ask questions.

I remember once venting to my husband that when my parents stay they just don't think of what I'm doing as working. They would never phone him up 8 times in one day to chat about where they're going or what we should have for dinner, yet apparently it's fine to keep interrupting me.

BeALert Wed 01-Nov-17 15:48:24

I think you need to stop saying 'shhhh' and tell him to FUCK-OFF in no uncertain terms.

And yes - this!

Appuskidu Wed 01-Nov-17 15:50:09

He doesn't sound like a very nice person!

CheshireChat Wed 01-Nov-17 15:53:34

Lock yourself in an office and put headphones on.

If talking to him didn't work could you start doing the same to him? Including minimising his work- say he takes some supplies, ask him if he's had a nice drive or something.

FlappyFish Wed 01-Nov-17 15:54:22

Just to say on the WFH aspect - I get it people seem to forget I am working and they can’t just pop in, ask me for coffee, just do this as you’re at home...

He sounds like an arse though!!!

callmeadoctor Wed 01-Nov-17 15:54:35

I know that it doesn't solve the real problem, but try putting headphones on occasionally? smile

AllRightNowInFactItsAGas Wed 01-Nov-17 15:55:35

Oh thank you everyone, I'm so glad to hear that I am not just over-reacting.

Thanks so much, all suggestions are welcomed I'm sick of battling this alone.

MrTrebus he actually does do most of the housework, he can't cook but he cleans and does washing etc. He's not always irritating but he can be ENORMOUSLY irritating as you can tell. As for romance, he does tell me he thinks the world of me but in actual fact romance has never been his thing. We have never been that way with one another, although he is more reliable than men I've had before who were very romantic so not sure that's so bad a thing?

He's good at DIY and will always fix up the house or car.

There's good sides and bad sides. I think he is very insecure and needs to feel important.

Oh I am fed up today!

TSSDNCOP Wed 01-Nov-17 15:57:24

Could you afford a garden official? Big enough for you and your colleague?

Otherwise I think you're going to have to tell him straight that he needs to respect your need to work without interruption or exit the business.

That said, with point 2 you could wind up where he's still interrupting, just not added my any value at all in which case the garden room will need some hard standing he could be secreted under

TSSDNCOP Wed 01-Nov-17 15:58:16

Office not official ffs

PuppyMonkey Wed 01-Nov-17 15:58:46

Where do you work if you don't have a proper office at home? Kitchen table? Sounds like you need to make a proper office space a priority for the business, but also you need a proper meeting with your DH about his behaviour. He sounds a bit odd TBH. confused

ShiftyMcGifty Wed 01-Nov-17 16:00:22

Have a performance review. Tell him you'd not tolerate this from employee so you will certainly not tolerate being professionally undermined by your business partner. Suggest he is not taking you seriously and ask him how he plans on demonstrating otherwise. Throw in "going forward" just to piss him off grin

Headphones at home, your back to him. If he interrupts, tell him you're working and not available - just like a real job - but you can chat at your next break. If he insists to keep talking, ask him if this is work related

No- ask him to stop nattering.

Yes.
Is it urgent? Yes.
Really listen (it won't be). Question his decision making and inability to prioritise

No.
Email it and you will addesss it at a later time.

cafenoirbiscuit Wed 01-Nov-17 16:01:54

Maybe try some noise cancelling headphones?

BenLui Wed 01-Nov-17 16:03:38

You don’t have a working from Home problem, you have a DH problems.

Get a private space with a lock on the door to work in.

Stop him interfering with your driving. It’s ridiculous, dangerous and he absolutely wouldn’t do it to any other adult (and you absolutely wouldn’t allow it from any other adult).

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