To feel jealous of my younger sister?(44 Posts)
Does anyone else feel their sibling has just been luckier/made more of a success in life and feel jealous? I don’t dislike her for it but can’t help feeling she’s in so much better a place. Her DH has just started a new business, they’ve just had a huge extension to their lovely big house in picturesque expensive village yet still seem dripping in cash. They will inherit huge sum from his parents eventually. She works 2.5 days a week but is paid really well and enjoys her job and has done really well. They’ve three gorgeous perfect kids and have been happily married for 10 years. They have a great social life and loads of friends. I am recently remarried after divorce 10 years ago, have a blended family which has been tricky, no career since having to leave two consecutive jobs in teaching due to conditions at work affecting my mental health, we are always struggling for money and I don’t seem to have any real friends/social life. A lot of it seems bad luck but can’t escape from having made bad decisions/screwed things up. My sister never has though. All her choices in life have worked out well, no big disasters.
It's great that your sisters choices have worked out well, I wish my younger sister had she's made all sorts of awful choices and us a constant worry. Be glad you don't have that on your plate to deal with!
I don't believe in luck personally I believe that you could actively choose to make friends, get a different job etc
Could it be different mind sets?
You say you left work on two separate occasions because of events that affected your mental health, could it be how you view things? Maybe a slightly more victim mentality or more sensitive to things than she is?
It’s understandable that you feel envious of her seemingly perfect life. No doubt she has her own stresses and difficulties. The issue is whether you allow yourself to feel bitter or to allow your envy to cloud the way you communicate to her.
If you are passive aggressive or openly unpleasant about her good fortune then YABU. If you are envious but still enjoy a good relationship that’s fair enough.
Remember, things can change and I’ll fortune comes in many guises, she will face problems at some point the same s everyone else.
Derren Brown did a great prog about luck and about luck being more actually positive attitude. It's well worth a watch.
With the job thing, I was bullied. Lightening literally struck twice. I was bullied by the head in one school, and instead of allowing him to continue I stood up for myself and went to union. Applied for and got another job despite being mid break-down but the bullying worsened during my notice period. In the second job I was bullied my my line manager. The head offered to bring in HR from the local authority as my case was clear-cut however I couldn’t face continuing to work there. I’m back teaching in my old school and they’re trying to keep me despite budget pressures. I’m trying hard to be indispensable! I’ve tried to get permanent jobs elsewhere but no other heads will touch me now because of my employment history.
I have a great relationship with her btw. She doesn’t even know how I feel!
Definitely watch the programme about luck I think it will help.
But her life may not be perfect. Maybe you only see the perfect bits?
Anyone mentioned that comparison is the thief of joy?
I hate trotting out such an awful cliche but it really is. Stop thinking about what your sister has and think about what you do.
Don’t let the jealousy become a negative force in your life. Use it to inspire you.
You’ve had some bad luck but you have a lot to be thankful for too.
Well her life does sound great. Some people do have nicer/easier lives! Generally a combination of hard work and luck.
I think saying "well you don't know what else goes on" is a bit false because quite likely she is really happy.
Nothing wrong with feeling a bit envious OP, just don't let it impact your behavior or relationship.
This is a bit like my mum and her younger sister.
My mum and dad have been married for 30+ years, have two kids, they own a house, have new-ish cars. My mum did her undergrad and masters while working and raising her family, and has worked her way up to a very comfortable salary. They now travel a lot since DBro and I have grown up and from the outside they have a very lovely life.
My auntie has been divorced twice, has no kids and appears to feel that the world owes her a living. She resents my mum's life now but for years my parents were on the bones of their arses and it has taken a lot to claw out of that pit.
You are only seeing the "highlight reel" of your sister's life. She will have plenty of shit to shovel out of sight - everybody does.
I'm really sorry, it sounds like you have had a run of very bad luck, which has not been at all of your own making. Being bullied at work is absolutely horrible and really decimates your self-confidence.
Some people do live a charmed time for their entire lives and never really face adversity. For others, it can come late in life, and when it does they are often unprepared.
for you. Try not to dwell on the differences between your situation and your sister's too much. Be happy in your own way.
"Luck" pays a very small part. Yes, sometimes you may be in the right place at the right time, but look at it the other way, you can put yourself in a better position to increase your chances of being in the right place at the right time.
Both my brother in law (hubby's brother) and my sister are envious of our life - they make it so obvious, and yes, it has affected our relationships. But it's not down to "luck", it's simply down to choices we've all made.
Me and hubby both left school with poor qualifications, but we both did evening classes to get additional O and A levels which led to professional qualifications, so roughly 5-6 years of evening classes and studying at weekends, around our full time jobs on minimum wage levels but upon qualifying, we both moved to far better paid jobs leading after many years to our own business. BIL and sister left school with better qualifications but didn't do anything else and both got basic jobs, and 30 years later have both done a succession of basic, low paid jobs. They both "could have" got more qualifications and a profession, but they CHOSE not to, and CHOSE to spend their evenings and weekends socialising, having fun etc. That was their choice, but neither can see it. They can't see that we both spent our spare time studying to make up for a crap state education whereas they had fun instead. We could have just bemoaned a crap school, but instead, we took responsibility for ourselves.
Both OH and his brother and me and my sister started out in life the same, yet our outcomes have been very different, not because of luck, but because of our choices and visions etc.
Some people do have more negative life events than others, but don't be too hasty to designate her the 'lucky one'- who knows what the future holds for anyone.
In your situation, though, others might see the good fortune in being recently married! I don't think you can complain about being a blended family as you chose to meet, find and marry this individual!
Work situation sounds rough, but glad you are employed again by your old school.
It is hard sometimes to see people with very 'lucky' lives with big houses etc but no-one but no-one gets through this life without loss and heartache, whatever you think.
There's nothing wrong with your feelings OP.
My younger sister was (in my mind) prettier, more successful and generally more perfect than I am. She died 18 months ago and if I was you right now I'd go and give my sister a hug. I wish my perfect sister was still here Just another angle for you to consider x
I sometimes feel jealous of my older sister who has never had to pay for childcare as she has her in laws helping her out all the time. She then got a puppy and the in laws spend 2 hours on a bus to get to her to look after the puppy all day everyday when she was at work so she didn't have to pay for dog walkers. Her in laws take her kids on holiday during all school holidays. I on the other hand have to juggle childcare and pay for out of school care, pay for dog care etc.
I am sometimes jealous she has it so easy then I remember she is a cunt
i get ya. you know that life is long and trouble lands in everyones life.
but i do get you. my dsis has never worked a proper day in her life and seems to have a charmed life but i wouldnt swap
I think teaching does attract some real weirdos. My parents were teachers and both each had one really awful mentally deranged boss who made their lives an utter misery. Never remember the kids or parents being a problem just these awful individuals, once these bullies left all was fine again.
My little sister used to be so much luckier and more successful than me all through our teens and twenties. She got married at 21, first child at 23, third child at 30, seemed very happily married, was making a living as a classical musician and live din a nice big house. All the while I took an MA, had one bungled relationship after the other, moved from country to country and thought I'd never have a family or a steady job.
I envied her life loads.
I was the wild and troublesome one and she was the successful and calm one.
Then in her early thirties she got arthritis and had to retrain to be a teacher as she couldn't play her instrument anymore, her third child has turned out to have serious problems with digestion and her oldest child became a bullying victim. Just over one year ago, she revealed she'd been having an affair and wanted to leave her husband, said she hadn't loved him for years. She's now divorced, living in a small flat with her new guy and a blended family, works as a teacher in a difficult school and has chronic pain. She is often miserable and sad and my heart bleeds for her and I worry about her so much.
Meanwhile, I now have a good job, two healthy kids and am happily married.
Things can change very easily and are not always what they seem.
It's sooo much better to have a happy sibling you can be inspired by and proud of than a sibling in trouble you have to worry about. I now regret all the times I felt a sting of jealousy towards her. I belive my envy in a way made me a bit distanced to her. Perhaps if we would have bene closer she'd have confided in me about her unhappy marriage and things would not have turned so bad. At the very least, I would have enjoyed her happy times more with her. I sincerely regret being so small minded at the time and envying her. She didn't know, but I think maybe sometimes she sensed it.
I now feel so sorry for her and her difficult life is on my worry list.
Count yourself lucky for having a blessed sibling and instead of spending energy on envying her, ask yourself what aspects of her life you envy and try to strive to get those things too . See it as an inspiration. And if you can't aspire to those things, then look at your own life and be grateful for what you have and try to find a meaning in your own life.
Think deepfried that anyone that calls their own sister a c.... maybe shouldnt be surprised at having bad luck in their lives.
I would think op that my dsiss at one stage might think l had all the luck. I had a good job married dh who had a better job and we had 3 nearly perfect dcs. Then dh got into really bad health my oldest ds turned into the teenager from hell and l was living on my nerves. Fortunately things turned around and are quite stable now. So things will look up for you again. I would access some counselling if l was in your shoes . Is any available through your job?
There's nothing wrong with how you feel, your feelings are your feelings but I agree with others that perspective is always good.
What I've leant over the years is that peoples lives rarely live up to how we perceive them.
I have a very similar relationship with my brother. He's worked very hard all of his life, has his own business, 2 kids, lovely wife (who is a SATM), amazing home etc etc, however he is a complete control freak regarding work, is away from home a LOT, cannot switch off when he goes on holiday and can be very short tempered with me (I work for him), his other staff and him family, but I'm sure that on the face of it, to others their life appears perfect.
I've had my own demons much like you when comparing lives. I was always the short fat one, whereas brother was always tall, good looking and popular one. I've always felt second best and generally not good enough. DH and I have been TTC for years, several rounds of IVF and still no joy. DB has stopped asking me about it, he thinks that IVF clinics are just scammers who take all of your money (not a totally unreasonable assessment), cannot understand why we continue TTC, just accept life as it is and enjoy. He also doesn't support adoption, he says why would we spend our lives and all of our money bringing up other peoples children only for them to run back to the shithole they came from when they're teenagers.
I think you have to give her credit for some of her choices. Especially around who she chose to make her life with and have children with. But also work related choices. Luck (such as a supportive family and financing through college) only goes part of the way in the context of the things you say she has. And presumedly you had those same elements of luck starting you out? It's the choices she made after that luck that have led her to where she is now I can guess.
I think back to the guys that liked me and the ex that asked me to marry him so many times. My God my life could have been so different. But I just knew he wasn't going to be part of a life I could be happy in. It was a mixture of attitude, drive, interests, values etc. He was ok but just not exceptional like my DH is. I chose carefully to walk away. It was the biggest decision of my life in terms of my future.
I also was lucky to have a wonderful childhood and supportive parents. But I chose to go to Asia at 20 and find work for myself, not what my lovely parents wanted. But it led me to where I am not with the ability to earn well etc.
So luck may be the base but people do make their own choices too.
I could have almost written your post OP. My older sister is happily married with children, lovely house, well paid job (working only a few hours) and they have a lovely life. Some of it has come about as a result of the choices she has made but some of it really does seem to be luck. I am single, running out of time to have children and generally struggling. Coincidentally I used to be a teacher and left following bullying by the head. I am now in another job but deeply unhappy. I am unable to find another job that will pay the bills, I feel low and trapped. I really want to turn things around but it seems impossible. I completely understand how you feel,
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