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To except more from my OH..

(82 Posts)
Poppy67Fox Wed 01-Nov-17 10:13:29

We have just had a baby and had just started to live together a few months ago. He goes to work and leaves the house at 8am and comes home at 6.30pm. He cooks dinner most nights as this is something he enjoys and likes to spend time doing. Apart from this, he does absolutely nothing. No household chores (since we’ve moved in I don’t think he’s ever picked up a hoover or a duster). In regards to our baby, I spend all day and night with her as I’m on matertnity leave. He will get in from work, make dinner (30 mins tops) and then sit on the sofa in front of the TV with his phone until he goes to bed. I will feed and settle the baby and then I’ll ask him if he wants a cuddle. He will go “oh but she’s really comfortable on you” and I say to him that he needs to spend more time with her so she becomes used to him and will settle with him if I’m ever out. He will cuddle her for 10/15 minutes and then often she wakes and starts wriggling around/whinging and he will go “I don’t know why she’s crying, can you take her?” And hand her straight back to me. Instantly back on his phone. When I ask him if he can help, he says he just wants to chill out as he’s had a long, hard day at work (he is a manager in sales and it is a knackering job I do know this as we used to work together) and seems to think that my days aren’t knackering too running around to keep the place half tidy and also look after a 5 week old baby. AIBU to think I could expect just a little bit more from him in the evenings? I don’t think it’s unreasonable but being at home all day should I just be expected to take care of the chores too and not expect anything from him in the evening? I mentioned this to him this morning and he said “no worries I’ll take her tonight but you can cook the dinner”. Why does it have to be a swap? Why can’t he just offer to do more?
Nail in the coffin for me today was waking up to his dirty clothes from the day before just on the floor of our bedroom and not even put in the laundry basket! envy I would love to know if I’m being unfair or if this is just the way my life is now!

gamerchick Wed 01-Nov-17 10:17:08

No this is your life now unless you hammer all your points home with him. If you don’t then resentment will grow and you’ll end up either extremely unhappy or he’ll jist see his kid on access days.

Time for a come to Jesus meeting with him.

lurkingnotlurking Wed 01-Nov-17 10:18:08

Tell him to pay for a cleaner. And to get off the phone.

BitOutOfPractice Wed 01-Nov-17 10:20:16

It will be your life from now on if you don't nip this in the bud now

Poppy67Fox Wed 01-Nov-17 10:37:52

So for reference then can people please tell me what their OH does around the house and with the baby? I just need an example of what a decent amount should be between us both.

lurkingnotlurking Wed 01-Nov-17 10:43:47

My comparison can only be with my first child. Having more than one is a game-changer. I would expect your partner to be wrapped up in the baby too and to put the phone (addiction) away. To want to look at the baby even if feels the baby's best settled on you. But i would also expect him to listen if you are asking for help. He should be willing to pick up the slack with whatever needs doing for the difficult first few months (or best part of a year if you have a trickier baby). Rocking the baby in part at night if you have a poor sleeper who needs more than milk. And not expecting you to do the proper full cleaning (which is why you need a cleaner).

Frillyhorseyknickers Wed 01-Nov-17 10:44:15

Our baby is 5 and a half weeks old and he is our first.

My DH is an owner occupier farmer and this time of year is busy autumn drilling so he leaves around 6am and is back any time between 6-9pm, if it's poor weather he is in the yard and about a lot more.

I make the dinner as I enjoy it, at the moment DH is doing most of the laundry, beds etc. He walks the dogs before he leaves and gives them breakfast, he will also change, wind and settle baby after I've fed at 5am so I can get back to sleep.

Whenever he is in the house he has cuddles with him, changes nappies and he does the bathtime routine every evening as that's his main bonding time with him.

Your DH needs to pull his finger out massively.

SilverSpot Wed 01-Nov-17 10:49:16

Where did he live before? With his mum?

Why on earth did you have a baby together without even seeing if he is a fully functioning useful adult (newsflash, hes a lazy toad).

Have a chat when you are calm. Say it is unacceptable and that he needs to be an equal partner.

Then have a reeeeeaaaaaalllly hard think about if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who treats you like shit (yes, expecting you to take 100% of the load is treating you like shit). Suggest that his life will be a lot more stressful when he is living on his own with the child 50% of the time.

CaretakerToNuns Wed 01-Nov-17 10:50:32

You'd be better off by yourself, LTB.

FenellaMaxwellsPony Wed 01-Nov-17 10:54:52

DH isn't the most observant of people and doesn't do any housework off his own bat, HOWEVER, if I list the things that need doing then he will happily go and do the lions share of it all.

And he's great with DS largely because from the get go, whenever he's said "I don't know what he wants", I've replied with either "me neither, I'm off to bed", or "I'm sure you'll figure it out if you actually try." Don't just take the baby back after 15 mins because he's had enough - tell him to grow a pair and get on with it!!

ijustwannadance Wed 01-Nov-17 11:00:50

Who cleaned up after him before you moved in? He is an arsehole who is taking zero responsibility or interest in his child.

angelopal Wed 01-Nov-17 11:02:09

DC2 is 7 weeks. He is ff so DH does first half of night feeds so I get some sleep as he is only sleeping for an hour max at a time at night. DH will also either cook and do dishes or take the baby so I can. We also have an active 3 year old to entertain as well.

He pitches in with any housework that needs done. He said himself the other day he doesn't understand men who do not do anything as it's their children to.

Sounds like you need to.discuss and get sorted now.

DeadGood Wed 01-Nov-17 11:05:30

I have to ask why you (plural) are preparing dinner every night from scratch when you have a newborn.

He needs to get his act together, start cooking more so you have leftovers, so that cooking is only happening two or three times a week. It’s really very simple.

You have a baby now, you can’t do things the way you always have. You have to adapt. Relieving pressure around the house is one very easy way of making life easier.

Ploppie4 Wed 01-Nov-17 11:05:39

Just leave his clothes on the floor. If you pick them up you’ll be engaging with some dodgy dynamics where you end up mothering him.

‘Here you go’ (pass baby to him) and leave the house. Go see a friend or go for a walk.

DeadGood Wed 01-Nov-17 11:06:48

You also need to stop asking if he wants a cuddle, and start saying “please take the baby for an hour or so while I rest”.

You are obfuscating your wants and needs unnecessarily. No need to dress it up - just say what you want.

Catalufa Wed 01-Nov-17 11:07:01

When I was a SAHM and DH was working full time (but much longer hours than your OH) I didn't expect him to come home and do housework in the week. But he needs to be more involved with the baby. How about he does bathtime every night? What happens at the weekend?

Catalufa Wed 01-Nov-17 11:07:50

Agree with pp - stop asking if he wants a cuddle and tell him to take the baby to give you a break.

OrlandoMusc Wed 01-Nov-17 11:08:21

can people please tell me what their OH does around the house and with the baby?

With a newborn, half, apart from the feeding. I did breastfeed, in return my husband just had to feel me glance at him and he'd bring tea and snacks. He used to get up with me in the night in case I wanted a fresh drink. I did no cooking or housework other than looking after baby for the first 8 weeks. He and my older children did it.

He now works full time. I do most housework as I stay home. He does about 25% of cooking. 50% baby and other kid stuff. Feels fair.

DerelictWreck Wed 01-Nov-17 11:10:31

Basically from 18:30 until you go to bed, he should be doing half of everything. He cooks, great you wash-up. You feed baby, great, he does laundry. You hoover, great he does baby.

In what world is you working 24/7 and him sitting on his phone/tv acceptable?

Put it this way OP - if you respected and appreciated someone, would you treat them like this?

Jaxhog Wed 01-Nov-17 11:15:27

Why on earth did you have a baby together without even seeing if he is a fully functioning useful adult (newsflash, hes a lazy toad).
Not to be unsympathetic, but why do women do this? Did you even discuss this with him before getting pregnant?

Having said that, he should be at least bonding with the babe. Which means bathing, nappies, cuddling etc. A little housework too, as you're living together.

GeekyWombat Wed 01-Nov-17 11:15:43

With our first (agree with PP that it's different with two) he did the 11pm feed so I could go to bed early and often the night feed - our policy was whichever one of us was least knackered would wake first and do it so the other could sleep (this of course only works if your DH isn't a lazy oaf). He did the dishwasher loading / unloading and put the washing away - I tended to do it cause it's easier to during the day. Went half and half on cooking meals - some days I just wanted to get away from holding the velcro baby to cook so he'd cuddle, some days he'd do it. I did the weekly shop (online) we split picking it up. He'd hoover mostly and do the odd bit of dusting although we got a cleaner pretty quick.

Basically TL;DR would be your OH isn't doing enough and you need to talk to him about it now before it festers. Good luck flowers

MrsMotherHen Wed 01-Nov-17 11:17:00

Yep you need to tell him!

I haven't read through all the replies but my DH gets in from work at 5.30 we all have tea he then cleans the kitchen afterwards.

Baths both the children 18weeks and 2.9years then puts the eldest to bed reads him a story while i feed the youngest and settle her. Sometimes i put eldest to bed while he settles the baby. Even does both on the night i go out to bingo.

On his weekends hes off we will do the housework together. He hoovers the whole house. Does his own work clothes in the wash and irons them himself ready for the week ahead along with doing the household washing.

He also walks the dog at the weekend. You need to tell him you need more help.

beepbeeprichie Wed 01-Nov-17 11:22:26

A newborn is tough and sometimes it takes time for both parents to adjust. Certainly my DP doesn't really see things to do but if I point something out as inequitable then he is amenable to sorting himself out. Currently I am at home with DC. I do all the cooking. When he comes home from work he does bins, animals, sorts out lunches for next day and helps bath children. We eat after they are in bed so then he does all washing up, dishes etc. He also sterilises all the bottles. At the weekend we take turns to give free time for the gym or seeing friends for coffee. It works well for us and having more set our chores means no nagging. For example for weekend chores- he changes the beds and cleans the floors, I iron.

Halfdrankbrew Wed 01-Nov-17 11:22:53

I was just reading this and questioned for a second if I'd written it?

We are living very parallel lives. Our baby is 3 months old though. My husband is the same, he does work long hours too and he cooks, which he also enjoys, he just seems to think everything else is my department. He doesn't really do much for the baby, I do the same make him hold him and yes so much as a whimper he passes him back saying "he's hungry" (I'm breastfeeding so his excuse is only I can feed him, I always make sure he's well fed before I pass him over annoyingly!!!). We do have a nearly 2 year old too and he does take her up to bed, but that's because she only settles for him (she breastfed over a year and associated me with food, now it's a thing he has to settle her). Bar the cooking and taking her to bed, cleaning and household tasks are all me.

I'm at a loss what I can do to get him to do more, I tried strike action a couple of days ago but it got so bad I couldn't stand it, he still didn't clean up!!! This is literally the only thing we fallout over, it's an ongoing thing, he just point blank refuses to help when I ask though. Oh and we have a laundry basket, his clothes go on the floor, I don't think he knows what it's for?!!!

Notthisagainnow Wed 01-Nov-17 11:24:01

I have a toddler now but the division of labour is largely the same as it was when he was a newborn (except for nights as toddler sleeps through now).

So I was doing the majority of night wakings as I was breastfeeding. I also did all the food planning and cooking.

DH did pretty much all the housework and laundry, and also non-feeding related baby tasks such as settling, taking for walks, dressing, bathing etc etc

We still have a similar set up now. I cook every night so DH washes up every night. We now have a cleaner so the heavy housework is done by her once a week but laundry is his domain

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