AIBU to try to conceive when DP has 8 months left of uni?(21 Posts)
This is my first post on mumsnet. I don't have any children (yet!). I am 21, DP is 26. We have been together 4 years and we are getting married in the autumn of 2018. We live together. We are both currently students, I'm studying a masters degree and will finish before we get married. The plan is to get a graduate job, or any job, very soon after finishing. DP is currently in his third year of a practical degree that is essential for his chosen profession. He will continue on to a Masters autumn 2018, which is essential for chartership/accreditation in the profession. This will take 8 months.
I have Antiphospholipid Syndrome, which is an auto immune disorder that can cause serious complications in pregnancy, mostly notably recurrent miscarriage. With medication I have an 80% chance of a successful pregnancy. The complications that my syndrome can cause is one very big reason why I think it might be better to go for it after our wedding. I know of course that it is up to us, but when you're immersed in the situation it's hard to take a step back and see it objectively, so AIBU to try to conceive when DP has 8 months left of uni?
Personally I think you're 21 and you have plenty of time. Why dont you just wait til the both of you are in stable employment? Whats the rush?
You've tons of time! Wouldn't it be easier to have a baby when you've both got good jobs?
I dont fully understand why you wouldnt wait a few years. You are both young and your income must currently be quite low? Does your condition get worse with age?
Wait a couple of years until you are both done with education and in good jobs. I get that you have complications but also you're 21.
There's a saying, something like "watch the film to the end."
Have a think about what life would be like if you had a baby this year compared to if you had one in five years' time, when your career would be underway, you may well have been able to buy your own place, you'll have some savings etc.
I believe YABU your only 21 your very young and neither you or your partner have finished your education .
How do you expect to find work with a small baby. Do you have any idea how much time and attention a baby needs. Neither of you has an income how do you intend to provide for this child.
Things like sleep deprivation and a
crying child does wonders for lack of concentration when your studying.
I think you are getting way ahead if yourself. Finish your studies, earn some money and then start a family.
Your medical condition is only going to add more stress so surely its better to wait until your studies are behind you and your more settled.
I think you should wait until you have established careers. Having a secure job, house, etc makes life so much easier, especially when adding the stress of a baby.
And I’m saying this as a young mother myself.
How far through are you on your course? Are you finishing next year, so you would be TTC basically at the same time as starting a new (graduate) job, assuming you manage to get something lined up for straight after graduation? I have to say, I would wait a while and get into the new job first. A new graduate job is going to be quite tough at the start possibly, a steep learning curve. And the thing about your condition is that as long as you have no other issues, you're very soon either going to be dealing with an ongoing pregnancy or a miscarriage - tough to deal with in either case. I think given your chances of a successful outcome are 80 percent, and you're only 21, I would leave off just now. A wedding and new marriage and new job will be enough to be getting on with. And if you're successful on the first try and then go into labour a bit early you could end up crashing your DH's final exams!
(I have a chromosomal abnormality btw and had 3 miscarriages, the last of which took place 3 months after I'd started a new career via a competitive graduate job. It was really grim. I was 33 though, so a lot less time to spare.)
Get a grad job.
Do 5 years and progress to a reasonable position.
Please wait. You still have time make sure you have the right wage and environment for a child
I am much much older than you but we started ttc not much older than your df. Took years and honestly broke my heart a million times over.
Going against the grain here I don't think I could, in good conscience, dissuade anyone from ttc.
That being said, do think seriously about what you want out of the next few years. Babies don't mean you can't do anything anymore but they do make it much harder.
I think the most sensible approach would be to make a serious five year plan with milestones and review points. (I'm just back from work so forgive the wank speak!)
Given the time scales you are working with, it's sensible to finish your masters, and let dp finish uni, have a lovely wedding and then give it a shot.
What if you get pregnant in month one, get horrible complications and end up messing up your masters and relying on dp for everything. The run up to your wedding will be stress and pain.
Wait. Really, you don't get this time back when you have the chance to focus on your partner and enjoy married life. Kids are wonderful, but they are little time and energy sinks. And when you add one to a relationship, everything changes from your priorities to your sex life.
From a practical viewpoint, it can take a while to gain a good graduate job and it's a lot easier to start a family with a savings buffer in place and some work experience under your belt for the future. Childcare is bloody expensive and you don't want to be applying for jobs in a few years time with a qualification, a career gap and no references or work history.
Thank you all for the responses. That's pretty much what I needed to hear! Ideally we would both prefer to wait, we just worry that because of my condition we may end up missing the boat. I know it seems crazily young to be saying that, but that may be the reality. The doctor has said to consider having children sooner rather than later. The condition does get worse with age, so my realistic fertile window is likely to be shorter than most women's. The condition also means that I am very likely to suffer DVTs and pulmonary embolisms, and the older you are the greater chance of those happening. My dad has the condition too and has already had 3 DVTs at 45
@toomuchtooold yes that's right, I finish in September 2018, we wouldn't start TTC until after I'm settled in a job. DP finishes in April 2019, so even if I was to immediately get pregnant, which is extremely unlikely, we would both be finished uni and I would definitely be working by the time baby is here, in all probability DP would be too. So just to clarify, there is no way we would TTC now. I completely agree that it would be madness to start now, and yes to the PP who asked about income. We have part time jobs, but it's nowhere near enough to afford to start a family. We still have just under 11 months to go before we are married then we will go from there. We will be 22 and 27 then
Wait. Finish your degrees, get jobs, get married, and then once you've got through the upheaval of going from being students to working professionals, marriage, non student housing and everything else then move onto the massive step of a baby.
If you are both students then how would you support a child?
I would wait until you’ve been in your job for at least a year. There will be qualifying periods for any enhanced maternity pay etc an employer will offer and if you TTC as soon as you start then you might miss that. Get a year in your job then TTC.
@cornnettoninja I'm sorry to hear that
@wowbutter I will be finished my masters before we get married or TTC, and you are of course no doubt right that's it's best to let DP finish his too. I just worry so much about not being able to conceive.
@dragongirl10 I won't be a student when we TTC. DP will have 8 months left, so even if I got pregnant instantly which is very unlikely, we will both be in full time work
@cakescakescakes that's excellent advice thank you!
Thank you to everyone who has commented I appreciate all your input
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