Friends who always invite themselves to your house and never invite you to theirs

[lottieandmia22]

Does anyone else have this happen? I have 2 friends that do this.

We are all now at the age of our children all being in school. So no messy toddlers to pull everything out. I’m not one of those people who wants to sit around in people’s houses for hours either. I usually leave after about 90 minutes at the most.

So what gives?

[DunkMeInTomatoSoup]

Is your house nicer than theirs? Could they be a bit ashamed of tatty furniture etc?

[Llanali]

Doesn’t bother me if the company is good. I’ve got a friend who lost her big beautiful farmhouse after her husband died young- she can’t quite get herself confident about her flat, so she never invites anyone in.

Other friend who just prefers my kitchen- and another who I suspect is married to a man who gets a bit defensive if he thinks she had guests in his absense. I don’t agree with these examples as such but it’s not my issue to agree or not, I don’t mind always being host.

[ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual]

They just can’t be arsed to host.

I have the opposite - a friend who loves hosting but hates being at others houses. It’s a control thing.

[countingthestars]

Yes, it doesn't bother me, I must admit. But perhaps you could suggest somewhere that would suit you better?

[Fleurchamp]

I usually suggest meeting at friends' houses as I don't want to put them out by coming to me.
I live on a busy road and it isn't easy to park so I assume that people won't want to come to me.
Plus my house is really small.

[SuccessStory]

O God! Yes THIS. It’s so annoying. DS has been friends with this boy since yr 2. Boy has Ben to our house uncountable times and the parents have been over for barbeque’s etc. They have NEVER invited DS nor is to their home. Every time, I speK to the mum, it’s always, ‘So X hasn’t seen succesJr in a while and would like to come to your house’, or ‘Success, pls let us know when’s we can visit you at your house for dinner”. The two boys are now 16yrs old! Yes it’s been going on that long, I’m a shmuck! DS has never been invited round, just to add we live about 2 miles apart.
Think the reason is simple. They just can’t be bothered to host, but love being hosted.. last yr I finally decided not to call the mum anymore as I’m fed up with this one way friendship. it’s just feels like being used.

[Twitchingdog]

I had / have a tatty house . I also had a ex that was happy me having visitors.

[Nikephorus]

You're very tidy, they're very messy and they think you'll judge them?

[sizeofalentil]

Oh God… I'm that friend.

We're in the middle of building work and everything is covered in a layer of plaster and dust. Have made a new friend locally and while I've been to hers three times, she's not been to mine yet.

We do meet elsewhere too though.

[StormTreader]

I have the opposite, they are fine with me travelling to them and then home again in the dark, but the same trip the other way around seems to be insurmountably long somehow.

[SilverSpot]

@sizeofalentil have her round for a cup of tea and a peek at the builder devastation :-)

[BrieAndChilli]

I admit I rarely have people over to mine as I am ashamed of how tatty and small my house is compared to theirs. We rent so are limited to what we can do.
The stair carpet really needs replacing, the bathroom is shabby, the kitchen is old, laminate flooring has marks/scratches (that were there when we moved in). We really need to repaint but havnt got the time, money or expertise to paint the stairs and hall. Etcetc etc
Plus once you get more than about 4 people in it gets crowded!!

But I did have a hot tub party last summer (we rented a hot tub for DDs birthday) so I did cocktails, made a tiki bar out of pallets, did food etc but as we could all be out in the garden with fairy lights etc it was ok.

The kids always have friends over though and I always invite parents in for a coffee and a chat.

[Ploppymoodypants]

This is amusing me. we have a different problem with our friendship group. We must all be lazy wotsits beacaue everyone always wants the everyone else to come to their house. The host doesn’t have to worry about childcare or travel. So everyone always wants to host. I always think I am being the helpful one if I go to someone else’s house. It’s never occurred to me the other way round.

[KanyeWesticle]

I don't mind this for a cuppa or dinner, if they are local friends. Our place is relatively tidy and we have room and enjoy hosting. We do have some CF friends though. It takes the piss if they always invite themselves to stay for the weekend. Loads more work and money to host and entertain.

[RhiWrites]

Invite yourself back. "Sorry hon, ours is a tip. Can we do it at yours?"

[MargotLovedTom1]

It pisses me off if I seem to be the default hostess with the mostest, because sometimes I would like to be the one sitting on my backside while someone else makes me tea and coffee and misses half the conversation because they're busy making said tea and coffee.

It was even worse when there were toddlers on the scene. It's much easier having small children when you can park yourself at someone else's house and let their place get turned upside down while they're busy making bloody tea and coffee and non stop drinks and snacks for bloody toddlers.

Yep happened once too often, then I started saying fuck this!

[Straycatblue]

Might be multiple reasons and different for each friend.

They might just have fallen into a pattern of always meeting at your house and they havent really thought ever thought about it being an inconvenience to you.
They might be inconsiderate.
Maybe they are ashamed of their house.
Maybe they have an abusive partner who wont allow people around.

Why not just next time you arrange to meet up say in a jokey but serious way, "Right ladies, I always host, who's doing it this time? " and see what happens?

(FYI if it is one of the reasons ie being ashamed or partner wont allow they are probably unlikely to tell you.)

If neither reciprocates and you want to continue the friendships then organise to meet up in a neutral location.

[Falconhoof1]

Same here. I have my DS friends round here loads, but he never gets asked to anyone's house. They do say 'oh, we'll need to have miniFalcon round to ours" but they never actually do it. I think in this case it is house shame. Ours is no palace but his friends all live in small flats. The kids don't notice these things though and DS would love to play at his friends. It's annoying.

[LaBelleSausage]

I have a friend who does this too, and I wouldn’t usually mind but she will also invite mutual friends over to mine when she will be here which really winds me up.

It means that if she’s coming for lunch I legitimately don’t know if it’s just her, or she’s ‘mentioned it to a couple of other people who haven’t seen me in a while’ so I always end up horribly over or under catering.

Thank god for those frozen part baked rolls and my freezer full of soup!

[Ellendegeneres]

I tend to be the host. My take me or leave me approach to housework - it's all or nothing, either spotless or an explosion of toys, tends to go in my favour. That said, we do get invites because my dc1 behaves impeccably when out wish he'd be the same at home the baby empties people's cupboards and generally wreaks havoc though

[Katedotness1963]

I knew someone like that. She came to our house. Had days out with us, she didn't drive, and lived on the opposite side of the city so it added at least an hour to the beginning and end of our day to pick her up and take her home. If she did any shopping she'd let my husband or I carry it up to her flat and then tell us to put it down at the door. Knew her for three years, never set foot over her threshold. I've seen FB pictures of her home. Perfectly clean and tidy. No idea what was behind it...

[MeAndMyElephant]

Over the past few years I've noticed that everybody expects to come to ours. And now it's beginning to piss me off. I'm going back to taking it turns, but all it means at the moment is we're not seeing anyone because they haven't worked out we're on strike!!!

[ArcheryAnnie]

LaBelleSausage I thought I was quite relaxed about people I don't know very well visiting me, but I read your post and discover I am not!

Good god - what are these people thinking? You are not a restaurant! That really is CF territory.

[StickThatInYourPipe]

Yes but I would always prefer people to come to mine than go to others. I enjoy only having to walk upstairs to bed rather than have to drive home (I'm quite selfish haha)