Who is BU? DM or me?

[Dilema1234]

Name changed as quite personal and a tricky situation and I genuinely don’t know who is BU, but I’m prepared to be told I am. I’m a bit sensitive so please go easy on me!

I’m pregnant and my relationship has broken down with my partner due to his alcoholism and mismanagement of finances. We are pretty skint and have no savings or assets. I’ve not been able to work during my pregnancy after some complications were discovered earlier on and I’ve been on bedrest for quite some time. I’m self-employed so no sickness pay from an employer.

I won’t be able to get back to a paid job until this baby is 6 months or so and will struggle with rent in London plus full time nursery fees. Actually my monthly wage would just about pay for nursery and rent and nothing else. Here is the AIBU: my mum who lives abroad owns an investment property in the country she lives in as well as her owning her primary residence - I asked her if she’d sell the investment property to buy a small 1 bed flat for my baby and I in London but that the property would still be in her name, her investment, and part of her retirement (she’s only in her early 50s so not planning on retiring anytime soon). I said it would only be for a few years till I get back on my feet but the property is still essentially hers and her investment. She point-blank refused and said no.

AIBU to think she should help me out if she has the means? Or am I being entitled? My alternative is to stay with alcoholic partner until I can get a council property.

[MyBrilliantDisguise]

Did she refuse for financial reasons? How much rent is she getting for it at the moment? If she's living on that rent and the new place wouldn't be let for as much (particularly to her own daughter) that would lead her to have less money to live on herself.

[Santawontbelong]

If you were my dd I would do it although mn replies will go for my end to the entitled madam end of the scale.

[RhiWrites]

Maybe she's worried about mixing family and finance. What happens if you can't get back on your feet and her retirement fund is bound up with your family.

You're in a shit situation but you can't just expect your mother to sell her assets to help you out.

Can you try a shelter?

[Sirzy]

Selling then buying would take a while anyway do wouldn’t help now anyway would it?

You were not being unreasonable to ask but it is her money to invest as she wants

[bluebells1]

You don't know why she refused? Maybe she does not want a property in the UK. Why don't you go stay with her until the baby is 6 months old?

[RoomOfRequirement]

You know YABU, right?

You made the decision to have a child with your alcoholic partner. You're making the decision to live in London. Both choices you can't afford. Why are you expecting your DM to not only finance that, but to do so by selling something she owns, so you can live rent free in London?

The entitlement is strong with this one.

[Catalufa]

If you were my daughter I would do this for you.

But at the end of the day, it is her property and she has the right to refuse.

I hope it works out OK for you.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

I would definitely do it for my dd but I’d struggle to ask it of my DM - mixing money and family can be painful. Assume she’s worried about her assets/income in some way?

[Dilema1234]

She said she’s refusing because it would jeopardise her retirement but I don’t think it would if the property would still be in her name and still seen as part of her retirement??

She doesn’t rely on the rental income as she’s a higher earner plus owns her own primary property outright. I asked her what the rental income was to see if I could match it but she said she refused to discuss the matter. But she bought the property in the 90s so I think with the price rise she could buy a London flat outright with no or very little mortgage.

[TheHeartOfTeFiti]

Depending on earning you may well get tax credits to pay a % of nursery. I was in your situation & had a massive panic till I realised what I could get.

[Sirzy]

It would potentially jeopardise her retirement though if she wants to be able to sell the property if the need arises. It is much harder to sell a property when it is a relative living there.

[Amatree]

Presumably she is getting rental income from the property currently and it sounds like you intend to live in the new London property rent free? Have you considered the costs of her selling one property and buying another in anther country, ie stamp duty, legal fees, other taxes? It's not as simple as just selling and debuting something else, the cost to her would probably be in the thousands.

You sound like you're looking at this in a very simplistic way and yes, you do sound incredibly entitled. As a pp said, you have made choices that you can't afford and need to take responsibility for them. Is this a reverse?

[Amatree]

Rebuying not debuting!

[confusedlittleone]

Yabvu, you chose to have a baby with an alcoholic, you also chose to live in London. It's not your mums responsibility to get herself into debt (and a mortgage is debt!) because of your life decisions

[SleepFreeZone]

Well she doesn't sound like she likes you very much from what you've written 😬 What's your relationship like with her generally?

[SleepFreeZone]

I assume there's no way you could move to live with your mum or near your mum?

[Batteriesallgone]

Wouldn’t it be simpler to ask her for temporary help with rent and agree a repayment plan?

You’re asking her to buy what is (for her) a foreign property. What is your plan for once you’re back on your feet? You stay in it and pay market rent? You buy it from her?

Have you considered what the tax consequences would be of your suggestions? Both now and in the future?

I would like to think I’d help out my kids as adults but no way would I do this. I’d find a simpler way of helping.

[19lottie82]

Just to point your, you know that if you are renting a property from a family member, you can’t claim housing benefit?

[Cakecrumbsinmybra]

From your mums point of view it is not as easy as you make it sound. If she sells the property abroad I imagine she will have to pay capital gains tax? Plus agency/lawyer fees. On buying a new property in the UK she would have to pay stamp duty and this is now higher on second properties (I may be wrong on this but I know some change has occurred recently), as well as legal fees. So who is covering the thousands of pounds it would take to do this?

[PinkTiger]

She said she’s refusing because it would jeopardise her retirement

That's a legitimate reason and there could be all sorts of detail behind it.

You don't say what her plans are for the property for her retirement - whatever they are , it (probably) makes more sense for her to keep her own.

Assuming she wants to keep it to live off the rental income during her retirement, if she has a "commercial" (ie. open market) tenant she has a guaranteed income. If you are in there and in financial difficulty, she may think she won't get any income from you at all - or feel guilty about accepting it anyway and feel pressurised to give it to you for nothing and/or at a reduced market rate.

Assuming her plan is to sell it on retirement, selling a property involves expense (solicitors/tax etc) and on your suggestion (unless you are going to cover those expenses which it doesn't sound like you are) she will end up paying those selling expenses twice - which isn't sensible. Plus if you are tenant it may be difficult for her to "evict" you to sell it.

Assuming her plan is to live in it when she retires and either sell or rent her main property, she will want the property she has chosen and is in the location she has picked.

Ultimately, you are being unreasonable here. You are an adult and you have no right to demand that your mother sells her property or changes her plans to make your life financially easier. Sorry if that sounds tough but that's how it is. Just like no child has a right to their parents leaving them their money in their will. It's your parents money and they can do what they like with it.

[witchofzog]

I am assuming she has bought the property because she loves the country it is in. To ask her to sell that to fund what you want is crazy. Especially if you want to live rent free. You need to make your own decisions about your life. You simply cannot expect her to make such a huge sacrifice. Could you not go and live in her actual investment property for a bit before the baby arrives?

[dantdmistedious]

I think you are, sorry.

Can you go and stay with her as you wont be working anyway?

Can she help you with expenses instead?

[urbansprawl]

OP, if your DM is refusing to discuss the issue then I don't think you can say that she doesn't "rely" on the rental income. She may not need the rent in the sense that she'll go hungry if she doesn't get it, but you don't know the details of your DM's finances or her pension plans. I pay a lot into my pension plan, and although I may not "need" that cash in my hand each month, I'd be extremely annoyed if anybody tried to tell me that I should give them that money instead.

My DM is kindness itself, but as an adult, I certainly wouldn't expect (or even hope) that she'd dig me out of a financial mess that I'd made for myself. That said, she'd probably make an effort to help, because she's lovely. I'd never even ask her to do so unless I'd exhausted every other possible option.

I'm sorry that your situation is difficult, but asking your mum to buy you a flat in London (and then being hurt/disappointed when she refuses) is massively unreasonable. As others have said, I don't think you appreciate that she'd be losing capital in stamp duty and fees (possibly tens of thousands); losing income in rent; and ending up with an asset she doesn't want. It also sounds like she may not trust you to vacate/pay rent/honour whatever sort of hypothetical agreement you were proposing.

You may need to consider relocating to a cheaper area or moving in with her until you can work again (if she's open to the idea). Asking for a loan to tide you through until you can work again might be a
middle ground between your and your DM's positions, but she would be perfectly entitled to refuse, and you need to be prepared to accept that gracefully.