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DH's best friend's new girlfriend....replacing my friend

(133 Posts)
MrsOverTheRoad Mon 30-Oct-17 21:24:43

DH's best friend has been married for twenty years and his wife is a good mate of mine.

He left her two months ago and has a new girlfriend...he met her online dating.

He seems over-obsessed with this woman and is jumping in head first. Meanwhile his wife is devestated. She's broken into two which is awful to see.

DH works with his friend and so will now and then mention this new woman casually "Oh X said he and Diana went to see that new film and it was great"

Kind of thing. Every time DH does this I get irrational annoyed though I say nothing.

I think it's awful! DH and his mate moving on like that...just accepting this new woman...like my friend is nothing.

I never want to invite this new woman around or anything...I can't imagine it!

ASmallSteph Mon 30-Oct-17 21:28:43

I don't think it's irrational to be upset at this. I'd be honest with your husband about your feelings of not wanting to hear about their comings and goings.

RedForFilth Mon 30-Oct-17 21:34:35

I would feel the same tbh! I'd keep my distance from your husbands friend and I wouldn't be going out with them as a couple or having them in my home. Your husbands friend sounds pathetic!

AnnabellaH Mon 30-Oct-17 21:36:30

Husband needs to pick new friends.

Sweetpea55 Mon 30-Oct-17 21:36:31

You're hurting for your friend,,and thats not unreasonable to feel the way you do.
You feel protective of her and and to be honest her DH sounds like a nob,
How will you handle it if your DH suggests a night out as a foursome,,would you go but feel guilty?

AnaWinter Mon 30-Oct-17 21:39:42

I think it would be odd if you didn’t feel weird about it. What you are feeling is totally normal. I would feel the same.

FenceSitter01 Mon 30-Oct-17 21:43:59

There's only two people that know what goes on in a marriage. Hes DHs best friend, you stick by your best friend through thick and thin. Who knows what went on behind walls, she may have been impossible to live with. Or he might have been. It's their business.

allinclusive Mon 30-Oct-17 21:47:01

Your feelings are totally normal but it's not the new GF's fault, unless she was a reason for the break up. You could say to DH and DH's friend that you don't really want to know about new girlfriends unless they are serious partners. Meanwhile continue to be a friend to his former partner.

magoria Mon 30-Oct-17 21:47:08

I think you need to tell your H how you feel.

XW has been your friend for 20 years and is a really good mate. You know dickhead is his mate but at the moment it is hard for you to hear how happy and loved up he is after 2 months when XW is still devastated. Your friend is very hurt and you am very sad for her and want to be there for her. Right now your are not happy to hear how much your H and his mate have dismissed and erased XW.

You would prefer if he would not mention what they get up to right now.

If your H is a decent person he will understand this.

kissmethere Mon 30-Oct-17 21:51:23

Do you think they expect you to be welcoming of his new GF? I know my DH wouldn't. You can be polite but you don't have to extend anything to them other than that given the circumstances. She may the first of many.

NameChangr678 Mon 30-Oct-17 22:01:22

Wtf, why's his friend a dickhead?

He left his wife for someone else. That's allowed. People fall out of love with their partners, that's literally life. Unless he cheated on his wife with the new girl, none of them have done anything wrong.

Imagine if this thread was posted by a bloke saying he doesn't want to hang out with his wife's best friend's new boyfriend - I doubt the replies would be saying "the wife's best friend is such a bitch for leaving her husband!"

FGS

Punkatheart Mon 30-Oct-17 22:04:19

Poor darling - please give her a hug from a random stranger. My mother-in-law sent me a birthday card soon after her son had left me (after 20 years) in my maiden name. People can be ruthless and shallow. People should understand that you are loyal to your friend. She is very lucky to have you - keep supporting and I hope her life becomes wonderful...

Punkatheart Mon 30-Oct-17 22:09:01

I think that's a little hard, Namechangr678. They were together for 20 years and she has just been wiped from the equation. She must be hurting and there are kinder ways and slower ways to adjust to the introduction of a new girlfriend. I think the poster also knows her DH's friend - so she is probably in a better position to call him a dickhead. There is always anger in these situations and that's part of life too...

thefourgp Mon 30-Oct-17 22:10:45

I agree with 678. Just because the best friend left his wife of twenty years doesn’t make him a dickhead. People fall out of love. Also the OP would have no right demanding her DH ditched his best friend Annabelle. Even if the DH disagreed with the best friend leaving his wife, he can’t tell him how to live his life or who to love.

Hellywelly10 Mon 30-Oct-17 22:12:42

You sound like a good friend.

ShellyBoobs Mon 30-Oct-17 22:16:07

* I think the poster also knows her DH's friend - so she is probably in a better position to call him a dickhead*

But OP hasn't called him a dickhead.

OP, I can imagine how tough it is. It would be perfectly understandable for you to not want to socialise with the new woman, at least for the foreseeable future.

You should tell your DH how you feel. He should understand how uncomfortable it is for you and that you’d rather not here about what his friend and new woman are up to.

ShellyBoobs Mon 30-Oct-17 22:17:05

Hear, not ‘here’.

Ffs.

thatdearoctopus Mon 30-Oct-17 22:31:18

Sure, he can leave his marriage if he wants to. He can then start dating again if he wants to. But the OP can also, if she wants to, decline any suggestions of playing happy couple-y friends with them. I'd be telling my husband this very clearly (and have done, actually).

PinkHeart5914 Mon 30-Oct-17 22:40:07

marriages/ relationships break down that’s just life. You never truly know how someone’s marriage is unless your living it, people are good at putting on an act.

Why his being called a dick head I’m not sure confused He left his wife and then met someone else and I do think it’s weird to say I never want to invite her round or anything tbh, I mean she is dating a single man so why be that why? She’s not the fucking devil

Your dh is just being a grown up and reaspecting the choice his mate has made and not treating the new girlfriend like the devil and your dh certainly doesn’t need to pick new friends as pp suggests

2rebecca Mon 30-Oct-17 22:51:55

I would just tell your husband that you don't want to hear about what his friend is up to at the moment. I agree with others though that marriage is no longer a life sentence and if this bloke no longer wanted to be with the OP's friend he isn't an awful person for leaving and finding someone else. It makes it unlikely you will socialise with your husbands friend as a couple though if you were good friends with his ex.

Nanny0gg Mon 30-Oct-17 22:55:35

I do think it’s weird to say I never want to invite her round or anything tbh

But he (rightly or wrongly) left the OP's close friend after 20 years, left her in bits and moved on 2 months later. Effectively, to his ex, wiping out those 20 years.

Why should the OP play friends with him after that? (nothing to do with new GF)

I wouldn't want anything to do with him either.

MrsOverTheRoad Mon 30-Oct-17 22:57:23

To clarify, there have been no suggestions from DH of us having the "new couple" round or anything and our group of friends continue to ask her...the devestated wife...around for dinners etc.

He's the one who left so he's the one who has been rather ousted.

DH is the most un-judgemental person ever and he says "there's more to it than you know" about his reasons for leaving but I'd never ask and DH wouldn't say...DH says he was not unfaithful to my friend and I believe that.

I don't want to know why he left her...it's not my business but all I DO know is that my mate was blindsided.

I suppose I'm worried that DH constantly mentioning this woman is him trying to normalise them as a couple and that one day he will suggest having them over or something.

I don't think I could. I know that I have NO idea what went on in my friend's relationship....only that she thought they were "fine" but they obviously weren't.

MrsOverTheRoad Mon 30-Oct-17 23:00:33

I do agree that everyone has the right to leave a relationship...but it's awful seeing my friend so sad. She is to me, a lovely, lovely woman...very caring and "soft" and possibly too nice...so there's that.

I think it's hard for anyone to accept someone walking away from a partner like that. She thought they would grow old together.

Bluntness100 Mon 30-Oct-17 23:02:07

The op didn’t say he left the wife for this woman, they could be independent events.

Op, you’re hurt for your friend, but marriages break up and either party has the right to move on.

Unless this is a drip feed and you will say she is the other woman, I don’t think you should take sides or force your husband to. This is your husbands best friend, but I note you do not say the wife is your best friend. Just s good mate... I also don’t understand why you are blaming the new girlfriend. Was she thr other woman ?

Bluntness100 Mon 30-Oct-17 23:05:17

So she wasn’t the other woman, you just think this man has no right to end his marriage and have another relationship afterwards? That you have to the right to decide who your husband is friends with? You don’t trust your husband when he says there was more to itwith the wife?

I think you’re being unreasonable.

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