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AIBU?

To be really upset that dp doesn't care about coming to my graduation?

42 replies

SharkiraSharkira · 30/10/2017 20:13

I am graduating soon and my family have arranged to come to the ceremony, a round trip of several hundred miles.

Dp was supposed to be working that day so I didn't book him a ticket but said we could all go out to dinner in the evening to celebrate. All fine.

Except now it turns out dp has the day off but now he can't come to the ceremony as it's too late to get a ticket. I'm fine with that, but he has also not bothered to get time off for the meal in the evening (he has 2 jobs), so now he won't be there for any of it. I was going to change the dinner to a lunch so he could still be involved but apparently he's agreed to work the day as overtime because he can't come to the ceremony anyway.

So Aibu to be really hurt and upset that he is now not involved in any of the day? My family are coming a long way to be with me and he can't even be arsed to take one evening off to spend with me on a occasion that is really important to me? He won't be finished the 2nd job until late so won't be able to join us at all

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MyBrilliantDisguise · 30/10/2017 20:15

Was he supportive of you while you were studying?

Hassled · 30/10/2017 20:16

Yeah, I think I'd be really upset too. Is this a one-off or part of a pattern of not being particularly supportive?
Is it possible your family's presence is his issue - does he get on with them OK? Not that that really makes a difference - for something like a graduation he should suck it up and come along anyway, but that could be a bit of an excuse. And has he ever graduated - does he realise that it is actually a pretty big deal?

greendale17 · 30/10/2017 20:19

YANBU- I would be upset and very disappointed.

Don you think he is a bit jealous of your achievement? To not even celebrate with you in the evening reeks of this

sonjadog · 30/10/2017 20:19

That´s rubbish of him.

SharkiraSharkira · 30/10/2017 20:21

He hasn't been to uni or graduated as he doesn't need a degree in his job so no I don't think he really gets why it's a big deal to me.

He was not especially supportive, I think he thinks the whole thing was a bit of a waste of time as I can't get a job in that industry in this area (which I didn't know till after I started!) but it's kind of irrelevant as it was still a subject I was really interested in and has a lot of transferable skills so will still be worth it in the long run. Not to mention I worked hard and took a long time to go to uni, something I didn't think I would get the chance to do.

He's only met my family twice (I think) as they live in a completely different part of the country but they don't have a bad relationship. I make an effort with his family.

Feels like he just doesn't give a shit.

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SharkiraSharkira · 30/10/2017 20:36

I very much doubt it greendale.

He isn't fussed about having/not having a degree. He doesn't need one and has done quite well in his career path without one.

I think he just genuinely feels that his shift at work is more important, or at least that I'm not worth losing the money he would earn doing it. Well that's how I feel anyway

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Hakarl · 30/10/2017 20:59

Graduation ceremonies are mind-numbingly boring. It's mostly listening to someone read out a loooooong list of names.

Has he ever been to someone else's? I've got 3 degrees and I went to the first ceremony and said never again. The hat and robe were kind of fun, but there are definitely better ways to celebrate getting a degree in my opinion. If my partner did go back to uni and get another degree I wouldn't go to the ceremony for him unless he insisted.

If he doesn't know how rubbish they are though then I agree he should have shown a little more interest and certainly tried to make it to the dinner! Hopefully he will offer to take you out to celebrate your achievement at another time.

Santawontbelong · 30/10/2017 21:02

Sounds like the reality has hit him that opportunities will open up for you now op. ...
And his is envious.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 30/10/2017 21:23

Surely you should have spoken to him before you got the tickets? Bit harsh to moan at him as he DID get the day off and YOU didn’t sort a ticket for him? Sorry I am a bit confused!

SharkiraSharkira · 30/10/2017 22:32

I'm not really fussed about the actual ceremony, I know they are pretty boring. It was more the meal after I wanted him to come to as I had invited his family too and now I'm stuck in an awkward position because our families have never met before and he won't be there.

Originally he was not intending to come to the ceremony as we both thought he had to work. However his day off was changed this week so he has the day off now but the deadline for ordering the tickets had already passed.

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annandale · 30/10/2017 22:35

I would expect him to make an effort to sort the evening off out, yes. Could any colleagues cover for him? Has he asked?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 30/10/2017 22:41

Is your relationship a fairly casual thing? I assume you have no children and he doesn't live with you.

I would take it as a bad sign that he doesn't care enough to make an effort for you. Even if he thinks it was a waste, he must have seen how important it was to you.

Of course he might be worried about you leaving him. You can't get a job in your local area and you only found out after you started the degree. Hmm. I'd be having a chinny think moment if you claimed that to me. I'd be expecting you to move away any moment for work and I'd think you had known all along and thus had been stringing me along.

SharkiraSharkira · 30/10/2017 22:43

Tbh I don't think he has bothered to ask. He hasn't even tried. That's what upsets me the most.

It's just a casual 2nd job ffs! For a bit of extra cash! He's not going to get fired for taking a night off! He did it for his BIL's birthday meal but he won't do it for me

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Appuskidu · 30/10/2017 22:44

What course have you done that you won't be able to get a job in, just out of interest!

SharkiraSharkira · 30/10/2017 22:45

You assume wrongly rabbit.

We're 'engaged' and have lived together for several years, although no kids.

I have no plans to move for work in the foreseeable future as I like this area and have a job in my previous career.

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ButchyRestingFace · 30/10/2017 22:46

He was not especially supportive, I think he thinks the whole thing was a bit of a waste of time as I can't get a job in that industry in this area (which I didn't know till after I started!)

What's the subject?

Hissy · 30/10/2017 22:47

Sweetheart, if he works 2 jobs he’s not exactly successful...

His behaviour shows not only that he’s not interested in degrees, but also he’s not that interested in you either.

A good bloke would be so proud of the fact that his other half has put so much into something that IS so important to her.

He sounds insecure and threatened by your success. That is NOT good.

SharkiraSharkira · 30/10/2017 22:47

I can't get a job in it here appus. Well, it would be not impossible but very difficult.

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Hissy · 30/10/2017 22:50

Don’t let your location hold you back, don’t let this mean man hold you back either!

Congratulations on your degree, you’ve earned it - now go make it work :)

Ellisandra · 30/10/2017 22:53

Also curious about the subject!

I have a degree, and I didn't see the point in making a big song and dance about getting it.

But I think it's just odd that he knows (he does know?) that his family are going, and he still isn't?!

I wouldn't see a future in that relationship, I'm sorry.

SharkiraSharkira · 30/10/2017 22:55

I'd rather not name the subject but safe to say that in the wider subject area it is possible I could find work but my specific area of interest is basically a no go.

Either way it's not massively important as I have a decent job in my former career that I am reasonably happy in, but my degree was sort of a labour of love, something I studied because I was at a low point in my life and I really needed something to occupy me and boost my confidence as well as gaining me some valuable qualifications. It has done that 100% even if it doesn't lead to a subject specific job.

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SharkiraSharkira · 30/10/2017 22:55

I'd rather not name the subject but safe to say that in the wider subject area it is possible I could find work but my specific area of interest is basically a no go.

Either way it's not massively important as I have a decent job in my former career that I am reasonably happy in, but my degree was sort of a labour of love, something I studied because I was at a low point in my life and I really needed something to occupy me and boost my confidence as well as gaining me some valuable qualifications. It has done that 100% even if it doesn't lead to a subject specific job.

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BeachyKeen · 30/10/2017 22:58

Tbf it sounds like he has been very consistent with you, and you are upset that he hasn't changed.

He was never going to, and has never, given a hoot about a degree, for himself, for you or the man next door.
You want him to be happy for you/proud of you/etc but also say it took a long time and won't change anything, and you are carrying on with the same job from before you had the degree. Maybe he doesnt see the point of it.

I'm not saying you didn't work hard, or that you shouldn't be proud of yourself. I think it's fantastic you have done it.
But that's you and me, not him. He isn't impressed, but he never pretended or led you on to think he would be.

SharkiraSharkira · 30/10/2017 22:59

Hmm not sure why that posted twice!

See that's where I'm stuck in an awkward position Elisandra. I told him weeks ago I had invited his family (although he would probably claim he knew nothing of it because he doesn't listen/forgot).

Now I either have to message them and 'uninvite' them, which seems mean and rude (especially considering I do get on with them quite well), or I keep the invite and then have to introduce them to my family for the first time and entertain them without dp. Arrg.

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timeisnotaline · 30/10/2017 23:01

Have you explicitly said to him that you are hurt that he can take a night off for bils birthday but not for his fiancées graduation? I'd say I'm hurt that what I feel is a huge achievement is being treated like nothing by you. And if he doesn't Seem to care I'd add that your actions are telling me where I come in your priorities. I'd be horrified if I thought I had treated someone I love that way.

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