Fed up with DB/SIL(149 Posts)
I've posted about them before. I don't think AIBU, but need a good rant. I am as annoyed with myself as anything.
DB/SIL have 3 children (aged 16, 7 and 1). SIL left her last job (before she was pushed) and did a year of college and after that quite quickly fell pregnant. Then went back to college after mat'y leave. She is a doing an access course. DB works full time, yet has to do most of the drop off/pick ups and running around as she is "too tired".
SIL announced (not asked) when she went back in September that she will need "at least one day every weekend" for studying. DB is adamant that if she says she needs it then that's what needs to happen (he often works overtime at the weekend as income more stretched now that SIL is not earning). They have asked DM/me and her parents to take it in turns to have their 2 youngest at least one day every 2nd weekend (so a whole day of childcare every weekend by one of us).
My DF has a lot of health issues. I help with DF quite a bit, as they live in the "granny cottage" in our grounds. To be fair, DM does look after DD after school (dropped off by school bus then DM looks after her until I get home). I work full time, including weekends on occasion. DD has weekend activities and we also need family time.
My DM knows the person who used to run the course who says that the majority of work should be able to be done within the built in study time of the course. So she's either not studying efficiently/using the time allocated at college or is taking the piss.
I said I couldn't commit to anything regularly but would help out on occasions if I'm free- e.g. run up to exams. I just don't think it is realistic to expect childcare at least one day of a weekend every single weekend. It's just so presumptuous. DM agreed to help when she could, but also could not commit to every other weekend. This was met with something of a temper tantrum re not helping SIL to "improve" things for the whole family. A lot of pressure was put on DM and implied it was because of favouritism as she helps with my DD. This upset mum and I was really angry about it, as it's not the case and was very unfair on DM who does her best. It's a different situation and DM cannot do the same for them due to logistics (they don't live nearby). I do understand it may feel unfair, but sometimes it's just one of those things.
However, after this weekend I am inclined to tell them both to get stuffed completely. I agreed to help out this weekend as SIL had a "coursework deadline" . I collected DN Saturday afternoon to take DN and DD to a halloween event and bring him back Sunday PM. Her DM took their youngest for the weekend. When DN wanted to call home Sunday morning to speak to his mum, she was in bed (having a lie in according to DB). At 11am. And when I called to say we were setting off so would be with them at x time, teenage DN told me SIL was in town shopping with her mum (not grocery shopping). I later saw a FB update from the night before- DB and SIL were out with friends.
I'm pissed off- they are entitled to go shopping/go out with friends if they want to. But if they ask for childcare (at short notice) so SIL can do coursework then I don't think she should be going out/having a very long lie in/going on shopping trips during that time- she should be focussing on getting the work done. If it was only going to take a few hours, then she didn't need to ask for help for the entire weekend.
I've had enough and have said I won't be helping out in future. DB and SIL are furious and I've had DB yelling down the phone about wanting them to be "kept in their place". DM has had an earful too (I am guessing this is because DB/SIL have worked out that as I help with the collecting/dropping off if DM is looking after them, so if I won't help it may limit what she can do).
I don't think AIBU to say no- they've taken the piss one time to many and now they'll have to live with the consequences.
God, no, of course you're not being unreasonable. Who takes on the care of another family for a day at the weekend just because they're told to do so?
What did they say when you pointed out you knew the free time you'd "given" to enable her to study had been spent in bed / on the town / shopping?
Christ, what a pair of piss takers! good for you for putting your foot down and telling them to do one.
No doubt you’ll get the anger then the sob story etc to try a manipulate you into helping them again. But stick to your guns otherwise they’ll continue to take advantage and it will just get worse and worse.
I don't think your Mum is being fair with the free childcare TBH.
I can see why they're hurt and feel unsupported.
The very definition of entitlement (and laziness).
I don't think your Mum is being fair with the free childcare TBH. I can see why they're hurt and feel unsupported.
But they don't live nearby and OP provides help caring for her DF - BIL and SIL don't appear to do any kind of reciprocal caring themselves. Can they really expect to feel entitled to the same level of support when they don't live locally and do nothing to help with FIL's care as OP does?
What a pair of piss takers-YANBU. I wouldnt engage with them at all about this and would suggest your mum tells them not to be so bloody rude.
When you say your mum lives in a house on your grounds-that implies it is quite an estate. Does your brother feel financially hard done by compared to you?
What course is your SIL doing?
They see you having free childcare and in fairness would probably like some themselves. Why can't your mum have their kids on a set day and you put yours in tea-time club. How far away are they? How much help with DF do you manage if your working FT and weekends? Surely if you didn't have your DM looking after your kids exclusively it would free up some time to care for your DF and maybe help with her other grandchildren. In a caring family everyone tries to help each other.
If she is doing an access course I assume she then wants to do a degree, so she could be wanting this support for a further 3 years or more. Depending on day time childcare. YANBU, helping every now and then is fine but not such a regular arrangement which is then misused.
Did you point out to your DB that you did the childcare so SIL could study, but she spent it on a shopping trip, then sleeping off a big night out and asked him why you should believe she needs childcare to study, when she doesn't seem to chose to study in her child-free times?
cant their 16 year old look after the other 2 - especially if their mum is at home studying? i've had babysitters who were younger than that. i know its not ideal....but then nothing about this arrangement is. they could pay the 16 year old something for doing it, so they might be pretty keen on this arrangement too
" Can they really expect to feel entitled to the same level of support when they don't live locally and do nothing to help with FIL's care as OP does?"
They're not asking for the same level of support, are they? They're asking for one day a fortnight. The OP's mum has her DD five days a week.
Obviously this is MN son no one claims to ever ask or expect anything of anyone, but in reality I bet most people would be pissed to be treated so unfavourably to a sibling.
YANBU couldn't the 16yo help out for a few hours at the weekend for a bit of pocket money. (I don't have a 16yo but i babysat at that age)
Anyway not your problem or DMs to sort out.
I also would like to know what they said when you pointed out they aren’t studying? If it was only for a couple of hours that she needed childcare couldn’t the 17 year old have helped out to keep his siblings occupied?
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