WWYD: DF secret wedding...

[LucyAutumn]

Hi all,

Feeling very anxious/ stressed atm because my DF is due to marry his partner (who he's been with now for nearly 20 years), in secret, at the end of this week.

There will be a handful of close family and friends in attendance but the wedding is being kept small and private mainly from and due to my DM.

The background is that DF became close to his current partner during the breakdown of his marriage to my DM and although there wasn't any cheating at the time (and it took many years for them to finally become a couple) my DM has always been very sore about this and convinced herself that this was the cause of her divorce as opposed to the reality.
-I won't go into details on why my parents separated because it is irrelevant to my question but it truly was internal issues and not expedited by anything/one external.

This was always a big issue as I grew up because my DM spread the story round that my DF had cheated, physically attacked his partner at one stage, became enraged if I'd spoken so much as a word with her and really clearly expected me and those close to her to be on her side; being civil and nice to DF's partner for example would be seen as a great betrayal.

This is where and how the secret keeping started.

Fast forward to now: my DM is more accepting of the situation but still struggles and has recently admitted that this is because she is jealous.
I got married a few years ago and whilst we were all worried how things were going to pan out, my DM behaved impeccably well.

To add to things, I have recently had a baby and, although I live quite far away, my DM has been really lovely and come to help for a week after my DH's paternity leave ended and once a week ever since.
I feel as though we have become quite close during this time and subsequently am feeling guilty and nervous about keeping the upcoming nuptials a secret.

My DF is planning on telling her during one of their regular catch-ups next week and believes the build up to the day will cause my DM unnecessary stress and anxiety so has specifically asked us all to keep quiet until then.

I obviously will do as he wishes because it is his day and I think he is right about the build up being stressful for her. But I can't help feeling guilty and dreading her finding out as I know she will see it as a betrayal that I did not warn her, especially as we see each other every week. I think she will also be upset that I've travelled back home (right by her doorstep almost) with the baby incognito.

So my question is do you think I'm doing the right thing by keeping quiet and WWYD/ how would you deal with this when the proverbial shit hits the fan?

[QueenBeet]

It's not your secret to tell. Keep repeating that if your mum starts demanding why you didn't tell her.

[Efferlunt]

Your mum should understand that you shouldn’t be put in the middle of this, and not blame you.

[Footle]

Your father shouldn’t have put you in this position. He should have realised how hard it would be for you, and told you at the same time as he told your mother.
You could tell him this, and say that you need him to tell her right now, or else you will have to tell her yourself. It’s not fair that he’s jeopardised your relationship with your mum.

[Dancinggoat]

This could put your relationship with your Mum in a bad place.
He needs to tell her or give you permission to tell her.
Why is he still in contact with her do you have younger siblings that he pays maintenance for.
You need to lay it on the line with your dad. In an ideal world your mum should be able to understand why it’s not your business and your place to say but it isn’t that place. She may feel betrayed by you not telling her.
This is such a hard situation.

[Quartz2208]

Talk to your father - could you visit her the day after while you are still down and tell her - would she take it better from you.

I think as well if his motives are to avoid stress to your mother perhaps tell him that actually not telling her might cause her more stress and upset as it means that people she cares about (including her children) lied to her. And that perhaps you telling her the day before and visiting afterwards would be best

[TheKop]

So, your parents have been separated/divorced for 20 years? I don’t see what business it is of your DM’s. Ok, she might still harbour feelings of jealousy and resentment, but that’s her issue.

I had a similar situation when my DF remarried and my DM wanted to know the details. I just kept those conversations short and did disclose much info - not really anything to do with her and it made me feel uncomfortable.

My advice would be to go to the wedding and enjoy. If/when your DM is told, confirm that you attended and had a nice day. If she asks why you didn’t tell her, just say it was your DF’s news and you don’t discuss her business with your DF either.

[TheKop]

• didn’t discuss it with her...

[Isetan]

Although I under your father’s apprehension, this is ridiculous. Tell your Dad that it was unfair to ask you to keep this secret and that either he tells her, or you do. In addition, you should equally expect your Mother to be an adult but given her past behaviour, I would prepare yourself for regression.

Don’t go back to place where you’re expected to take sides.

[Justbookedasummmerholiday]

As I responded last time you posted - your df has the right to a lovely wedding day more than your dm has the right one know about it. Your df has trusted you with a secret so keep it.