SO angry with my mum...fed up of being put down

[lostlilly]

long one sorry-I have had a big argument with my mum today and still feel so angry.
I am having such a horrible time at the moment, going through divorce after finding out my dh has been unfaithful for years!
My dd is in hospital after having a major operation!
I am trying to find a house to buy for me and dd and sell my current marital home. I am trying to hold down a demanding full time job.

Basically I married a man who has always worked but in low paid unskilled jobs, he has been very unmotivated and unsociable and I stuck with him for far too long for my dd sake and turned out he was cheating on my anyway. So I filed for divorce.
I am highly qualified and have a good career and was always the main earner and have already got a mortgage ready to go and large equity in my marital home once it sells.
I have a small car on finance and student loans from uni, no credit cards, store cards etc
Today when we were talking about money she said I should have much more behind me at age 42, she said she can't believe I have debt and if I hadn't married that 'loser' she wouldn't need to be supporting me. She said my sisters married well and she doesn't have to worry about them! She said that I will be worrying her to her grave because of my stupid decisions!
I absolutely lost it! I couldn't believe she could be so spiteful. I am sick of being compared to my sisters and of her putting me down

[ButchyRestingFace]

What is your relationship like with her generally? From your final sentence, I would infer that this outburst isn't a bolt from the blue but something she does more generally?

[MaidOfStars]

Is she supporting you? What an odd thing to say.

FWIW, I think you're fine. Car finance is hardly unusual.

[lostlilly]

she has always said he wasn't good enough for me, she always said I worked far too hard and he didn't pull his weight, and when I found out what he was actually up to she is just reeling obviously. She has been supportive but she just keep going on about what he has done and I cant bear it anymore, I KNOW what he has done, nobody more than me.
But aside from all that I am angry that she makes me feel like a failure, I have worked really hard and don't deserve it.
I don't think student loans and a car finance is massive debt in this day and age either

[ButchyRestingFace]

Did she apologise after you kicked off?

I wouldn't be talking to her again about anything more profound than the weather for quite a while.

[NurseButtercup]

Rant away you've got a lot on your plate right now. Your mum isn't helping...rant away +

[lostlilly]

It was because I asked her for a loan, Which I can absolutely repay once my house is sold as I have around £160,000 equity!
That's what started her off, and she later said she was sorry if she had offended me but she had the right to say no!
I said I didn't even know if I needed the money yet it was just a question in case. And it wasn't about the money it was about what she had said made me feel so worthless and patronised

[lostlilly]

Bump
do you think I should talk to her or not?
I am very upset about her comments and feel like telling her and dh to shove it! I can do this without either of them

[dirtywindows]

You’ve got a lot on your plate and don’t need to have a battle with your Mum as well. Clearly the way she makes you feel is not a new thing so why address it now when you’re already at breaking point? And perhaps you will be in danger of projecting all your anger / upset about your soon to be ex and worry about your daughter onto your mother. If possible try to stay calm with her but say you find it upsetting when she says ..... Focus on your divorce and looking after your daughter and yourself for now and sort out your relationship with your mother later.

[whiteroseredrose]

She's chosen a bad time to say 'I told you so'.

I suspect that her telling you that he's a cocklodger is nothing new. And had you married an equal rather than a drain you may not be getting divorced now let alone be asking for money. So she's right.

But crap timing. I'd let it ride for now and talk calmly about it at a later date.

[Melony6]

There is probably something in your childhood dynamics which results in this. Are you more like your mum/dad than either of your DSiss , are you much younger or older than them, did DM marry a ‘waster’ or arrogant rich boy?? This will be the issue , rather than you being a problem . Definitely worth some investigation when you present probs are sorted.
She might’ve projecting her annoyance at DSTBEx at you which is unfair but meantime don’t dwell on her comments as you have more important stuff to sort out.

[whiskyowl]

"She said that I will be worrying her to her grave because of my stupid decisions!"

Ahhhh, sounds a lot like my mother. I cried when my marriage broke down because of exP's infidelity. I was in a lot worse financial position than you and I made the mistake of talking to her about it and said "Mum, I'm scared". Her response was "We all are". No reassurance, and no offer of help. Just that. She then spent two years responding to everything I said about the breakup with a non-committal "hmmmmm", which was designed to fulfil the absolutely minimal duty of listening without actually being in the slightest bit helpful or reassuring. She continued to see my exP, and it was only when he was rude to my sister (golden child) that they cut contact.

Some people are just so absorbed in their own world, their own feelings that they honestly can't see others as human beings. Or rather, the family dynamic is such that their sense of self-worth is based on not seeing someone else as a human being. I'm guessing from what you have said that you're the scapegoat and your siblings are golden children - and part of the whole dynamic relies on you being 'put down'.

You don't have to put up with it. It's sometimes better to walk away and show someone the strength of your own independence, in order not to be taken for granted. It is very harmful and hurtful to be placed in a position where you have to, though.

[lostlilly]

Thanks for responses for far...very helpful and thoughtful. So here is the situ
I am the 'middle' daughter. eldest married a successful man and has an amazing lifestyle, beautiful home, 3 spoilt children and holidays to far away destinations and luxury cars.......She as an individual has a crappy low paid part time job and no real qualifications.
Youngest has a first degree and has recently married and middle class high ranking army chap and have matching luxury cars and holidays to match.
Me....I have a first degree, a professional registration and an MSc, I married 14 years ago to a quiet, soft spoken witty man who despite having some qualifications and a good upbringing just 'opted out' of career land and has been a driver, earning around £15k plus a year less than me and had a child previously that we have been stung for maintenance throughout our time together.
My mum is right in many ways, I've worked hardest then my sisters and seem to have nothing in comparison....and on top of that my dh was cheating on me for at least the last 4 years!

I do feel a failure
I do feel a mug
I do feel like I have been dropped off the top of a cliff and my mother really made me feel pathetic and stupid with her comments.

[ChasedByBees]

Your H's failings are not yours. I think you just need to take a deep breath and ignore your mother at the moment. She's clearly angry and upset but it's not fair to take it out on you.

[Greyponcho]

Being a supportive, loving, caring wife and mother are not faults.
He is the one with the faults if he couldn’t recognise how good his life was with you and you can’t be blamed for that.
Your DMs attitude is very unhelpful. Just because your sisters married “successfully” ( ) doesn’t mean their lives have more value than yours.
Maybe distance yourself from your DM for a few days.

[purplecollar]

I would seek support elsewhere. Do you get on with your siblings? We don't always get on but we're there for each other if something awful happens.

My dm can't cope with any stress. She wants to think of us as "settled" so that her work is done. As such she's no help at all in times of need.

Everybody has shite happen to them at one time or another, however "well" they married. That's life. You've done nothing wrong and you sound like you're dealing with this really well. It's a hugely stressful thing to go through. But I would really seek help elsewhere. For me, that would be my siblings.

[Inkandbone]

This was both my parents to a T Put downs and sideways digs dressed up as concern and being worried about me. It's a twat thing to do to someone.

[GreenTulips]

Maybe your mother is ashamed you'll be a single mother and can't see past the fact that you'll be a damn sight happier (an probably wealthier) without a dead weight husband!!!

[Itsanicehotel]

You have nothing to feel bad about. Please try block your DMs words out of your head because they are just not true and you need all your strength to focus on your DD and sort out accommodation, divorce etc.

You aren’t a mug or a failure and when we make choices in life they come with no guarantee that they’ll prove to work out in the long run. I hope your DM is saying these things out of poorly expressed shock or upset and didn’t actually mean to hurt you. My DD is married, kid, working etc and if she chose to leave her marriage for the reasons you are leaving yours I’d be bloody proud of her. It takes courage and strength to leave and start again . I’ve done it so I know the 101 things involved let alone the anger, hurt and fear, the exhaustion etc. If your DM isn’t able to support you right now then can you step back .

You have a hell of a lot to be proud of yourself for doing. Every relationship comes with a huge risk and when they go wrong they can be bloody hard to walk away from even when they’re shit. It just isn’t black and white. Sometimes it takes for things to get so bad that the thought of stayIng is worse than the thought of going, before you can go. Keep going, don’t accept any put downs as the truth and vent on here if it helps any.

[lostlilly]

Thank you so much for your comments they have really helped me!
I guess she is a very proud lady who was always saying how her three daughters were all settled and married, of course it would be me who upset the cart ☹️
I have only spoken to her once since and that was about my dd
I am fed up of the constant pressure and sadness of everything at the moment . I’ve joined on line dating site which is proving to be a good distraction at the minute !
I just feel like I need a bit of attention and escape from everything.
On a positive...... my dd is doing well and should be home from hospital tomorrow 🙂

[Theresamayscough]

Good grief some mothers!!

Seek help and support elsewhere love maybe friends siblings etc. Distance yourself from your mum
Until you feel stronger and she gets you are upset.

Beware dating websites though and be careful. Don’t jump into anything else too quick have fun by all means but don’t get serious too quickly.

Be yourself and concentrate on yourself and your dd and sod everyone else

[lostlilly]

I know.... that’s why OLD feels kind of safe for me right now because I don’t actually Have to meet anyone, just chatting and flirting which feels good at the minute.
Feel like I’ve been shit on from a height by real life people

[KimmySchmidt1]

It sounds like you agree with her assessment - he did not deserve you and you did make a mistake marrying him - but are upset she has said it out loud. That is totally understandable as it is not constructive to point out what you already know.

But parents do get very stressed seeing even adult children in distress - at it must be frustrating for her if she warned you about him and her worst fears have been realised. It is still insensitive of her to express it.

But you should definitely not be getting a loan from her - banks are for loans, not parents. It always causes problems and tensions. TBH at your age I think you were wrong to ask. It sounds like you have money enough so just don't complicate and guilt trip family relationships by begging for money - it's just a terrible idea.

[expat38matt]

Maybe talk to her about it. Sounds like a knee jerk reaction caused by worry if she doesn’t have history of this
I’m sorry you’re having a rough time x

[BarbarianMum]

Marrying a high flying career type won't save you from infidelity, just check out the relationship boards on here. We are still at a time in society where it is not really accceptable for a man to earn less than his partner, so you and your family are probably reacting to that too.

[redexpat]

Older generations have a very different view on debt. For us its normal to have student loans etc. I think having 160 000 in equity is pretty fucking successful actually. I think her comments were more about her - shes probably embarrassed by your divorce and how she will be seen in that light. And yes if shes never liked your x then she chose a bad time to say I told you so. I wonder actually if when she said he wasnt good enough for you she meant he doesnt earn enough for her liking.