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To allow myself to be proud of and happy with my life

(8 Posts)
DailyDra Sun 29-Oct-17 19:48:08

I am not even sure why I'm writing this, but I've had a bit of a struggle recently, well forever really, about being good enough.... whatever I've done, I've always thought it could be better, however high I raise the bar, I just push it higher and I can't seem to just stop and think 'good enough'. The worst part of this is that it is ridiculous, I have the most wonderful life, I'm married to a wonderful man, we have two lovely children, we live on a small farm and love our life. I'm an academic, I'm well published and known in my field, and I love my job. I volunteer running a local youth club, am a school governor and trustee of a small charity. I've friends, a loving family network, etc. And please don't think I don't appreciate this life, I do, so, so, much.... but I live in constant fear that it'll all crumble. somehow, somewhere someone will realise I'm not good enough, or I'll make a mistake, get something wrong and it'll all crumble. A good example is I have regular panics about my husband or children dying because I make a mistake.

And though I hate painting a victim sign on me, as it is not how I see myself and don't think this should be an excuse - I wonder how much tracks back to childhood. I was seriously sexually abused for a number of years, and when I finally told, my parents were 110% supportive but it tore my wider family apart (perpetrator was a family member) and nearly tore my parents apart - it was horrendous, the fall out made me constantly wish I'd never said anything. It wasn't my parents, they were great but the people around them, the community we lived in, other family members - it was just hell. I felt responsible for it all. He went to prison and we moved on, I received counselling but I know the concern from everyone wasn't that I fell behind in school, the concern was that I excelled, that I pushed and pushed myself and got better and better.

This probably reads as the most self pitying post going, I get that, but I just want to stop, I want to stop having to take everything on, I want to stop being the person that sorts everything out and I want to breathe. I'm exhausted, and I really don't know where to push myself to now, what the next challenge should be as I think I've done as much as I can. Normally I see this as a strength, that I push on, but not lately, lately I feel like it is my biggest weakness and all I'm doing is building a house of cards that will fall. Sorry, not sure what I expect people to say other than 'get over it', but just had a hell of day and conversations which really awakened all of this. I just want to stop and say 'hey you're doing ok'.... I'm driving my husband nuts, he desperately wants me to slow down and relax, but I genuinely do not how too.

Antisocialarsebadger Sun 29-Oct-17 20:19:09

Could it be that you need more counselling. Or work on coping strategies perhaps. I'd say you just need to sit down, but from what you're saying it's not that easy for you. I hope someone comes on with some better advice soon x

LemonShark Sun 29-Oct-17 20:28:42

Sounds like a bit of GAD, bit of imposter syndrome, bit of low self esteem, bit of perfectionism. Given how much you're struggling emotionally when you have such a lovely life in theory I'd recommend going back to therapy. Try something different to last time. cbt can help all of the above.

DailyDra Sun 29-Oct-17 21:26:48

Imposter syndrome has been mentioned before. Very common in academia I think! Thank you for your replies. X

Hasanyoneseenthecat Sun 29-Oct-17 22:18:10

So sorry to hear about the abuse you suffered. How terrible it must've been for you. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, it's important for you to reach out for more counselling when the need arises. It sounds like you are at that point right now so be kind to yourself and seek support. It's common for abuse victims to suffer from guilt, anxiety and shame, to never feel good enough. As a child you were powerless at the hands of your abuser and it sounds as if similar feelings of powerlessness are causing you anxiety (hence the fear of losing your family). Find a decent counsellor or psychotherapist to support you through this time - you deserve it, and it could really help. In your own words, you have lived through hell. There is no shame in seeking support flowers

Launderetta Sun 29-Oct-17 22:28:56

You sound exhausted, temporarily burnt out, and that's completely understandable given your workload. I agree with lemonshark on the GAD & perfectionism (I have the tshirtfor those clubs, too!)
I'm sure counselling would help calm your busy mind, could you use it to help you to prioritise & exclude some of your current responsibilities?

Launderetta Mon 30-Oct-17 07:59:59

Morning DailyDra
Reading my reply back, it doesn't answer your aibu; I meant to say - nope, YANBU at all to be happy & proud. Irrespective of anything else, you've achieved such a lot & so yes, be happy!
Have a great day grin

DailyDra Tue 31-Oct-17 18:55:55

Thank you all for responding. I have read the responses and grateful people took the time. I had a wobbly few days but seem to be back in an ok place.

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