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To ask...

(22 Posts)
bodytrappedmindnotstopped Sun 29-Oct-17 17:30:13

...if you’re in an unhappy relationship what is your reasoning for staying? Are you planning on ending it ‘one day’? If so what are your plans? Is your partner even aware?

Curtains77 Sun 29-Oct-17 17:36:47

Hi xx I am no expert in these things but o feel exactly like this. So in answer to your question - Yes I will leave one day , waiting for right time. Not before Christmas . Not before I have enough of a financial cushion. Security for children is everything. Are you contemplating leaving ? How unhappy is unhappy enpugh to leave i suppose is the thing...!? flowers

Curtains77 Sun 29-Oct-17 17:37:39

Staying is when you have a plan and are safe. Are you safe in your relationship OP?xx

bodytrappedmindnotstopped Sun 29-Oct-17 18:37:17

@Curtains77 Sorry you’re in the same situation. There is always something stopping me (Christmas, birthdays, holidays)
We are safe but I am just so unhappy at the moment. We bicker over the same things every damn day. He will not compromise at all during a disagreement and is happy one minute and in a strop the next. It’s just awful. He doesn’t see a problem but I’m so emotionally drained from it.

Curtains77 Sun 29-Oct-17 19:31:29

I completely get where you are coming from . It's miserable living like that with the bickering. Do you ever find yourself thinking it would be easier if you had one of those dull but living alongside in peace kind of relationships iyswim? That's why it's so draining for you. Are you sure he does not see any problem on any level ? Do you have any children ? Is it always the same things you argue about ?xx

lanbro Sun 29-Oct-17 19:39:07

I know exactly what you mean but after a couple of years I decided last week that there was no way I wanted to be unhappy for another year, and there is no good time to do it.

I'm viewing a house to rent tomorrow as h is refusing to leave, not in a nasty way but doesn't think he should go when it's my decision. We'll have the dc 50/50, until he realises he can't do the fab father thing ongoing....!

Life is short, don't waste it being unhappy, there is always a way out

quiet01 Sun 29-Oct-17 19:41:05

I have an exit plan. It is too much a pile of hassle to leave before the date I've chosen. Kids are part of my picture.

I'm not emotional about it, but He will be devastated when I go even though at some level he must see the marriage is a total fail and has been for a very long time. I would not stay if we were bickering every day. I hope you can find a better way forward, OP.

chitofftheshovel Sun 29-Oct-17 19:55:35

Just as there is "no good time" to have children, there is "no good time" to break up with someone. However, having spent 8 years in two unhappy relationships, I can say hand on heart that I'd far rather be alone, and to go through the very hard break ups.
Reasons for staying: Keeping a roof over mine and kids heads, manipulation, liking his family, feeling like I had nowhere to go, not wanting to break up the family (with the second, the "step-dad" chose not to see my kids and whose girls I still miss to this day) and more.
But, I'll reiterate, life is much, much better without.
So honestly, do it for you. Do it for your children. Good wishes heading your way.

chitofftheshovel Sun 29-Oct-17 19:58:36

Also those reasons for staying were not unsurmountable!!

StripeyDeckchair Sun 29-Oct-17 20:13:27

I left ex when our twins were 18months.
He let me down BIG time when we came home from hospital after they were born and then disengaged from me and them.

I was unhappy but felt I had to stay for the sake of DTs

One Saturday I went to get my hair cut & do some shopping so I left DTs with him. I took longer than I'd said because I met a friend so came back 3.5 hours later to find both DTs in pooey nappies, obviously been like that for a while & uncomfortable and he hadn't fed them.

I realised that he didn't give a flying f**k about them and started making plans to leave. It took 4 months & in that time I got anew job nearer my family, sorted my finances, sold the house (which was in my name only - he didn't have a job), got a solicitor to draw up divorce papers and then moved into rented house near the new job.

It was hard & I kept it from him until everything was in place - he called me every name under the sun, made all the promises he'd made several times in the past & failed to honour again. His family (mother in particular) were vicious & nasty.

So my advice is make a decision, make a plan, sort as much as possible without your partner knowing, tell one or two key people who you can trust & who will support you then do it. Set your sights on the goal & don't waiver.

Witchitywoo Sun 29-Oct-17 20:28:38

Yup. Sat downstairs and he's gone to bed after yet another argument. I'm sticking with it for several reasons: I feel sorry for him; if I kicked him out he'd have nowhere to go; and I know he'll become verbally abusive if I say it's over. But the relationship is draining. He can be so nasty with his words and at times quite controlling. Apparently relationships dont have to be this difficult!!! Yes, I do want to end it, just don't how. Quite pathetic really.

lanbro Sun 29-Oct-17 20:43:59

Drained is the exact word I've used to describe my situation. I honestly feel nothing now, h thinks we can get back together down the line but his recollection of everything that's gone on is very different to mine!

I'm very lucky that we're in a good position financially and my parents are super supportive, still a hard thing to do but I'm really looking forward to my future!

Curtains77 Sun 29-Oct-17 21:52:04

Stripydeckchair flowers that sounds hellish but you did it xx witchywoo - I heard that rumour that relationships don't have to be that draining too....perhaps they are as hard to find as actual unicorns ..[hmm ] but perhaps we would all be actually a lot happier on our own ? Boot so sure about children though xx and chit - how were /are the children ? X

chitofftheshovel Sun 29-Oct-17 22:07:43

curtains I'll not lie, it was tough, especially with the more sensitive child. But now we can take the piss out of each other, in a nice way. And are very much our own unit. Ah, life's decisions, so bloody tough.

Wetwashing00 Sun 29-Oct-17 22:08:12

I was in this position once, I was so drained from arguing constantly, trying to make him see that the way he was treating me and our child was not acceptable. We would constantly break up and get back together because I felt guilty he had nowhere to go.
Some people struggle to understand the things I had to do to end things forever. I was called cold and heartless for a long time, but I couldn’t stay with him just because he wasnt responsible enough to find his own place to live. He would always beg forgiveness and tell everyone he had nowhere to
Go, no clean clothes or dinner. My responses were ‘tough shit, should’ve thought about that when you were spending £300 a week on coke, weed and beers instead of food and nappies’
Deep Down it did upset me, but I couldn’t be a mother figure for him whilst being walked all over.
I made a plan and stuck to it, I had to go NC for over a year so I wouldn’t take him back.
It worked for me and my child, he still hates me though, But unfortunately he is the same towards a different woman.

StripeyDeckchair Sun 29-Oct-17 22:10:44

Thank you Curtains, it was an awful time.
But DTs were 14 a few days ago. They are fabulous & im incredibly proud of them. They also have a younger brother & sister as I met my partner when they were 3, they call him Dad & he is a great father to all 4 children.

What we have is what it should be like. I should never have married no1H, but I have DTs because I did. He's not seen them for nearly 9 years - his loss.

Curtains77 Sun 29-Oct-17 22:37:06

This is a simultaneously saddening and uplifting thread , I feel. Good to hear from people further down the road. OP I hope this is as much a comfort to u as it is me and probably other people in similar situations xx

bodytrappedmindnotstopped Mon 30-Oct-17 10:18:51

He’s fucked up for the last time. On the way back from a weekend away and youngest started to play up in the car. He shouted (more like a roar) that he was stupid and said ‘if you do it again I will smack you.’ It’s the way he said it, so angry. My boys were terrified. He then continued to tell me how ‘fucked off’ he was in front of them both. I asked him not to swear in front of the DC but he continued. ‘No, I’m pissed off. These kids are a nightmare. Never going anywhere with them again. It’s a fucking joke.’ Al the while my poor DC are sat in the back of the car petrified. I’ve given them a reassuring smile. I’m going to save them and partner has no idea. I’m sat her calmly because everything all seems so clear now. When we get home I’m going to his mums (I have no one else) to tell her how things have been. She will help. She knows what he’s like and my DC are her priority. I’m getting me and my DC out of this horrible situation.

MickeyLuv Mon 30-Oct-17 11:09:29

AIBU to be fuming at my Dr's?

Have just tried to book an appointment (not particularly urgent but would like to see one) to be told that there are no appointments available! I asked what I am suppoised to do, she replied to phone back at 8:00am every morning to try and get one the same day. I can't phone at 8:00am as I am traveling to work at that time, well can I call in to the surgery at 8:00 instead? No I'M TRAVELLING TO WORK!!!

I expected a wait (last time I waited 3 weeks) but to be told I can't book an appointment at all!!! No wonder A&E is so bloody busy everywhere angry

MickeyLuv Mon 30-Oct-17 11:16:54

Oops sorry, meant to start a new thread blush

chitofftheshovel Mon 30-Oct-17 17:48:02

Oh sweet heart. Sounds like my kids dad. He used to shout/roar at my son when he was very young "come here, or I'll slap you". Yeah, cos that's enticing. The neighbours had concerns. I was embarrassed, I shouldn't have been but I was. I applaud you, seriously, for making your plan. If you need any help and we are close (I'm south west) honestly please let me know, I'm only an internet connection away. There may be tough times ahead but you will make it, you will come through stronger and you will have saved your children.

Curtains77 Mon 30-Oct-17 20:20:06

Op - you sound clear minded and determined. This sounds like the tipping point x deep breath and go for it girl and keep us posted xx good luck flowers

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