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Holiday Conundrum - AIBU/WWYD?

(152 Posts)
trojanpony Sun 29-Oct-17 15:36:10

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 months. While fairly new, we are in a committed relationship. We are late 20s/early 30s. Prior this we have both been single for 2 years+
He is an absolutely wonderful boyfriend - we are very much in love.

Before meeting me he planned a "dream holiday" with 2 friends, both female (A+B). it is a two week holiday, but he will stay a third week working in the local office there. Both of us weren't looking forward to spending this much time apart but c'est la vie!
FULL DISCLOSURE: One of the friends (A) has previously made passes at my boyfriend - the feelings were not requited by him and he says she is over this now.

Through a twist of fate I am now being sent on business to this destination at the same time - I have never been but it's on my bucket list...

He discussed this with the friends they seemed happy/okay with it. I also spoke to Friend A, she was effusive and said I could help with the driving to the vineyard region. friend (B) was happy whenwe spoke as it would make it cheaper (4 way split, not 3).
I was mindful this is their holiday, not mine, and was clear I'd go with the flow/itinerary.

Last week the work trip was confirmed. The plan was I would join them for the second week (the vineyard leg of the holiday).

My boyfriend just told me he had spoken with them this morning and now they are "uncomfortable with me joining them" as they thought it would be the week they were in the city (that would have been fine apparently).
But the vineyard leg is "more confined" and the car journey "might be weird".
Sorry if it doesn't make sense it's all I could remember, I was so shocked I didn't process much after this. sad

The upshot being.... he is going with them...and I am not. And he's sorry.
Things ended awkwardly. Work flights are being booked on Monday but at least he told me now so I can process it today.

Mostly, I feel very very foolish and upset (several friends knew about this he discussed it with them, as did I).
But on another level, I can't help but feel he had/has other options? I haven't said this to him as he has made his choice and I think he feels obligated to them.

AIBU to be very upset and feeling delicate and a bit let down?

And WWYD? Go on holiday on your own or cancel the week's annual leave?

The annual leave is approved but I am not confident to "go solo" as it's a slightly dangerous country. I have a work friends who lives in that city and she is v friendly so could show me around a bit...?
It just feels weird to be going on holiday to the same place and not be on holiday together?!

Any/all advice welcome... I'm feeling delicate so go easy...

Insomnibrat Sun 29-Oct-17 15:40:48

I know youre feeling delicate OP and i'm not trying to be mean but it does kind of appear that you've just invited yourself on their holiday.

Maybe your BF was just looking forward to 2 weeks with his mates. If you trust him she can make all the passes she wants and he still wouldn't reciprocate.

RhiWrites Sun 29-Oct-17 15:40:52

I think those friends and your BF have now made it "weird".

They had an easy out and didn't take it. Instead they've made it clear that they don't like you and the BF doesn't have your back enough to call them on it.

I would rethink the relationship.

McTufty Sun 29-Oct-17 15:42:04

I think he is being put in a difficult position by his friends. From their POV I can see why they don’t want someone’s partner tagging along but they should have said so at the outset. I don’t think it’s a reflection on how he feels about you.

Fattymcfaterson Sun 29-Oct-17 15:42:48

I think YABU, it would change the whole dynamic of the holiday

Peachyking000 Sun 29-Oct-17 15:43:38

I think YANBU to be upset, but I can understand their rationale. I wouldn't fancy going on holiday with a couple, it would change the dynamics. I think it's best if some sort of compromise can be reached, eg could you do a weekend with them at the vineyard or meet up for a couple of meals?

grannysmiff Sun 29-Oct-17 15:44:44

I mean, its a bit of a bummer for you, but they are his friends and the trip was planned for awhile.

If i imagine planning tje trip of a lifetime with 2 friends, and then one of them saying "oh hey my boyfriend wants to come for half of it", I'd be like "oh ffs" to be honest...

WorraLiberty Sun 29-Oct-17 15:45:03

I think reading between the lines, it's all a bit "I'm going along to check up on him", otherwise why even mention that she made passes at him?

It's possible the friends have now realised this and feel a bit disgruntled at your motive for tagging along?

JennyHolzersGhost Sun 29-Oct-17 15:45:25

So just to be clear you’ll be there for work on the first week while they are in the same city and then you were going to take the second week as holiday while they are planning to go to an area with vineyards ? But now they’re not comfortable with that?
(Is it South Africa btw ?)

DailyMailReadersAreThick Sun 29-Oct-17 15:46:17

I think YABU and should never have asked if you could join them - that put them in a really awkward position which, not surprisingly, has now turned awkward.

Your boyfriend did the right thing. This is a "dream" holiday that's been booked for a long time, and it would've been awful of him to ditch it for his new girlfriend. He hasn't let you down.

I hope you can accept this all with good grace and not spoil his holiday by making him feel guilty.

WorraLiberty Sun 29-Oct-17 15:46:26

They had an easy out and didn't take it. Instead they've made it clear that they don't like you and the BF doesn't have your back enough to call them on it.

Call them on what?

They have every right not to like a friend's partner confused

JennyHolzersGhost Sun 29-Oct-17 15:50:05

As for what I’d do, if it was on my bucket list then I’d make the most of my time in the city in the first week and then take the second week to visit the rest of the places I wanted to visit. I’d plan to be entirely self reliant and I’d look into using organised tours for the places I felt were a bit dodgy. If it’s South Africa then there are ahitloads of organised tours which you can book in advance and also once you’ve arrived, everything from half day trips to multiple day safaris.
I’d make my own plans and leave him to it, while not making a big deal of it. Then I’d see how he behaved as time went on. It would probably make me feel a bit more cautious about the relationship for a while, but it wouldn’t be something I’d make a big deal of.

harshbuttrue1980 Sun 29-Oct-17 15:50:19

Being there as a couple would change the whole dynamic from a group of friends relaxing together and all having an equal say. There's no way I'd holiday with a couple and feel like a gooseberry. You've only been together for 5 months, let him go on his dream holiday and do your own thing. Don't be a clinging vine or you'll scare him off.

Insomnibrat Sun 29-Oct-17 15:50:22

The two girl friends will be very hmm that you've just happened to be posted to the same city they're having their dream holiday in on the same fortnight with your new BF with 'work'.

I might even roll my eyes at that one, it's a bit....cringe.

DailyMailReadersAreThick Sun 29-Oct-17 15:52:15

The two girl friends will be very hmm that you've just happened to be posted to the same city they're having their dream holiday in on the same fortnight with your new BF with 'work'.

I think most people would raise an eyebrow, yes!

WorraLiberty Sun 29-Oct-17 15:54:29

Yes, that really was quite the twist of fate, wasn't it?

grannysmiff Sun 29-Oct-17 15:55:31

Yeah and if its S Africa (not exactly a hotbed of international business deals) I would be pretty amazed you got sent there by work - come on OP, you actually just thought you'd pop into a local branch of whatever company you work for, didnt you???

grannysmiff Sun 29-Oct-17 15:56:11

I mean its not exactly London or New York or Singapore is it?

Hellothereitsme Sun 29-Oct-17 15:58:13

To be fair it seems a massive coincidence that you have been posted to the same place as your boyfriend's dream holiday and at the same time. I can see why his friends are like ????. I've been on holiday with a couple for a few days and it was cringy. It wasn't planned and I was not impressed that the BF had been invited. So I can see where his friends are coming from.

Hermagsjesty Sun 29-Oct-17 16:00:16

I can understand why they’re unhappy with it. It totally changes the dynamic to have a partner there. Maybe they should have told you earlier but maybe they didn’t think the work thing would come to fruition (are you all in the same industry? It seems such a coincidence maybe they didn’t believe it’d really happen). I was imagining South Africa too - if that’s the case there are lots of decent organised tours you could safely do if you have concerns.

Insomnibrat Sun 29-Oct-17 16:00:23

Could it even be that the friends are fine and he's using them as his excuse to essentially say 'this is a bit claustrophobic'?

They're not necessarily being two faced.

loveka Sun 29-Oct-17 16:00:41

From their perspective it will be awkward. They would be going on holiday with a couple, which is a very different dynamic.

Insomnibrat Sun 29-Oct-17 16:04:26

I think if I posted that I was going on hols with two male friends to say NYC and all of a sudden my new BF had business there at exactly the same time, never having been there before, and wanted to spend time with me we'd probably hear cries of ' red flag' and 'controlling bastard' (possibly rightly).

I'm just urging you to look at the situation from the outside and from the perspective of all parties, as hard as that is.

Trills Sun 29-Oct-17 16:04:37

If I were going on a long-planned holiday with two friends and one of them wanted to bring their girl/boyfriend, I'd not be keen either.

trojanpony Sun 29-Oct-17 16:06:10

Thanks for all the responses its good to hear other opinions. there are a lot responses i wasn't expecting so many!

JennyHolzersGhost
Yes it's SA I'll be in JHB giving training, the first week they are in Cape Town.

It is genuinely a coincidence. My company won some new business in Africa there are technical elements that mean I am the best qualified person in the business to give this training.

I have ZERO trust issues with my BF.

It was his idea that I extend the trip and join in him in SA - he misses me a lot if we are apart for very long.

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