AIBU to panic about becoming a single parent?(10 Posts)
My STBXH left me six weeks ago after a twenty year marriage. We have an eleven year old DS and a nine year old DD. He wants to be involved with them and calls twice a day and has them to stay one night a week and every other weekend but I am feeling really scared at the prospect of being the only parent the rest of the time.
How do you get used to this? How much should I rely on my ex? We are getting on ok together at the moment but still need to sit down and formalise everything. It feels like I have such a huge responsibility now to help get the children through this time and then to bring them up to be happy adults and I don’t know how to manage that along with my own emotions at the moment.
Ime you need to manage without relying on him. If things turn nasty he will use it against you. .
Definitely don't rely on him for anything. I've been a single parent from the start with my youngest. (I have 4 in total) ex completely disappeared off the scene. Could happen to anyone. So best to be prepared and not have to rely on anyone.
It's new and raw so of course you're scared. You can do this, you will do it.x
It's very scary at first - you have the bereavement (in my case anyway ) of the marriage and the overwhelming responsibility
For months I would not have a bath if they where there is case I had a fit and drowned ( I don't have epilepsy) I was terrified of going it alone
9 years on it's fine - I prefer it to having to deal with a giant man child
You've got this - honestly
You are not BU to panic. Am not sure the doom and gloom from pp is warranted. Nobody knows how anything will turn out. Thing to do is really look after yourself and take a deep breath think what would a friend tell me - and now be that friend to yourself. You aren't on your own, they still have two parents and hopefully a productive co-parenting relationship will emerge. Totally relate to feeling overwhelmed but you can do it.
Thank you Hipster. I really want to believe that he will continue to be an involved dad but given what he has done to me I worry that once he stops feeling guilty he will start to drift away from them. He has been very clear that he has left to start a new life of excitement and also has a new woman in his life so I can see his family becoming less important to him as time goes by.
I hope not.
Hope things work out well. I am sure they will. You will soon get used to doing more on your own. As far as possible I think it's best to have fewer more professional meetings to sort things out rather than having lots of little discussions. If possible get some advice before you meet so that you have a list of non negotiables. Think about what you will need in terms of future support for the children and how you see yourself in five years time in terms of pension, savings, house ownership and income. Ask a solicitor or similar about what's normal in a situation like yours so there are no unpleasant surprises later. It sounds as though he has a grasp on his own responsibilities so far which is a good sign.
YNBU. It is terrifying when you first become a single parent. I used to wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat over thinking anything that could go wrong - from delays to getting home from work to complete catasrophising ie what if I am killed on my way home from work! This is all quite new for you and it sounds like you and your stbxh are working through the best way of bringing up your dc. All i can say is that it will get easier and you will work it out. 7 years on my children are well adjusted almost you adults and nothing too disastrous befell us. Good luck
I’m sorry, that must be hard- you are dealing with him letting you down as well as the responsibilities. YANBU at all, but promise - you don’t need to panic. The kids will cope fine as long as you and he can be civil and calm and matter of fact with eac other. It’s harder for them if they see their parents at each other’s throats. That doesn’t mean you can’t be honest with them, but only as much as is age appropriate. I do find it very hard work being a single mum, but for me at least it is preferable to being with a man who was so up and down I was always on walking on eggshells. Now, at least I am in charge
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