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I've been up all night, he knows why can't he get up

(92 Posts)
CompletelyUnknown Sun 29-Oct-17 06:57:52

My sinuses have gone to hell. I’ve had a cold for 9 days and last night the sinus headache hit. I actually considered pulling my teeth out with pliers even though I know it’s my sinuses. I googled pressure point, Neti pots etc. If I could have driven somewhere to buy something I would have. I was coughing all night and blowing my nose all night. Don’t even get me started on the clocks changing. Anyway up rolls 6am and DD (13months) wakes and I’m already awake waiting for DH to rouse. When he does I explain I’m on deaths door (exaggeration I know) and haven’t slept. His immediate response is “I haven’t slept and I’ve a sore head”. I swear I went batshit crazy!!! I watched him sleep all night bHe never lets me be unwell without him telling me he’s not well also. I don’t think he even realises it.

On to the AIBU bit. DH does have MS and does suffer, not majorly and for that we are extremely lucky but there are times where it is bad. I make sure he eats, sleeps, takes medication and that DD and DSS give him piece. AIBU for just a little sympathy for a killer cold when he has an incurable disease? I’d take a patronising “there there” a lemsip, anything. He’s now up with DD but I had to guilt him a little. I’m now trying weird pressure points on my face. Argh

KimmySchmidt1 Sun 29-Oct-17 07:11:46

Alll men do this. I think it's a mummy issues thing - they get anxious when you're ill so they go into denial about it. They just need firm instructions on what to do, otherwise they are not usually very nurturing in this svenaio!

CaptainBrickbeard Sun 29-Oct-17 07:13:48

Seriously, all men do not do this. Not at all.

TerrifyingFeistyCupcake Sun 29-Oct-17 07:15:24

Alll men do this.

No they fucking don't. I live for the day that, as a society, we no longer have nonhilariously low expectations of men.

Mine would have got up with the baby and brought me drugs and a cup of tea.

WildBluebelles Sun 29-Oct-17 07:17:11

Alll men do this. I think it's a mummy issues thing - they get anxious when you're ill so they go into denial about it. They just need firm instructions on what to do, otherwise they are not usually very nurturing in this svenaio!

FFS, they are adults, why are you making excuses as if they are children? No wonder there is such rampant sexism when women will make excuses for grown men as if they are toddlers. They do not need firm instructions, they need to get a fucking grip and stop being selfish and entitled.

AlternativeTentacle Sun 29-Oct-17 07:18:08

Alll men do this

No they do not. Mine asks if i need anything to help and lets me sleep. This whole bullshit 'poor men cant help it' bollocks just continually gives men who do it the excuse to cop out.

CaptainBrickbeard Sun 29-Oct-17 07:18:14

Mine too, cupcake. Why do some people want to claim men are incapable of sympathy, empathy and decent behaviour?

user1471443504 Sun 29-Oct-17 07:21:45

Another one saying no they don't! My husband doesn't. He gets up with the children equally as much as I do and never tries to match my illness.

No op you aren't wrong expecting some help and sympathy for being ill. I sympathise, sinusitis is awful..

LaContessaDiPlump Sun 29-Oct-17 07:21:57

My DH is intelligent and capable, yet I find myself agreeing with Kimmy's assessment; he is really rubbish when I am ill. He has other good qualities to make up for it and is trying to be less shit, but I have historically felt incredibly alone when ill/postpartum as he can't seem to do support.

I wouldn't generalise to all men based on my DH though - that gets you murdered here!

LouHotel Sun 29-Oct-17 07:22:15

I had strong words with my husband last night over something similar.

I had stomach flu all of tuesday so understandingly was not up for getting up with DD2 at 6am on wednesday - well you would have thought the sky had fallen the aggro i got. Baring in mind she was going to nursery at 8.30am.

I dont think its all men but i would describe my DH as clued up on equality (does his share of housework and childcare) but it does go to pot when im ill.

CompletelyUnknown Sun 29-Oct-17 07:24:05

I appreciate not all men do this. My DH is wonderful in so many other ways. He just has a blind spot when I’m not well. How do I get him to get over it? I don’t know if it stems from him having MS so he’s afraid he can’t do it without me. I just want a lemsip or a tea. My heads absolutely bursting and I can’t get back to sleep.

Ecureuil Sun 29-Oct-17 07:24:12

Alll men do this

No, my DH doesn’t, as he’s not a tosser. When I’m ill he takes over looking after the DC/housework etc as much as he can until I’m better.

Warhammerwidow89 Sun 29-Oct-17 07:27:46

My son threw a killer tantrum last night. Punching kicking screaming. I didn't sleep due to worry, even once I'd calmed him down for him to sleep. My DF (not even my sons dad) is up with him now so I can lounge for another half hour. Not all men are like this. Talk to him when your feeling better, it's supposed to be a team!

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sun 29-Oct-17 07:31:16

My dh does kimmy.

He's brilliant in most ways but totally dismissive if I'm not well. Thankfully it's a rare occurrence.

Chrisinthemorning Sun 29-Oct-17 07:34:02

Poor you flowers Hope you manage a lazy day and feel better. Have you tried inhaling steam with some olbas or vicks?
My DH is lovely when I’m poorly, lemsips, hot water bottles and food in bed, runs me a bath and takes DS out. Why do people think all men are unhelpful? Most of my friends have kind husbands too.

CaptainBrickbeard Sun 29-Oct-17 07:34:54

OP, I get ill far more often than my DH so I do feel a bit panicky on the rare occasion when he does get ill. I don't treat him badly though! So I can understand your husband feeling alarmed and worried but it doesn't justify his behaviour. All you can do is try to talk it through and I hope he gets your viewpoint flowers

CazY777 Sun 29-Oct-17 07:35:22

I'm in a similar situation OP. I had to have a major strop and take myself back to bed the other day after being awake most of the night. Luckily he got the message and gave me a cuddle and a lemsip and left me alone to sleep. You are allowed to be ill.

mapie Sun 29-Oct-17 07:35:23

Of course all men don't do this.

Mine does though.

Notevilstepmother Sun 29-Oct-17 07:35:30

Hot shower with obas oil might help.

CompletelyUnknown Sun 29-Oct-17 07:37:25

I work in a male dominated job as well. Whenever I’m not well at work (maybe once a year with the same bloody thing) they give no sympathy they are quite mocking and dismissive too. My DH just refuses to acknowledge I’m not well. He can’t get up with DD during the week either as he starts work before she wakes and he always gives me sat morning off. He takes gets up with DD and takes her out every week without fail. We are 50/50 on everything and he’s an amazing dad. I’ve really not got a lot to complain about other than wanting a “there there” and a lemsip. I might just trudge into the kitchen and put the kettle on. DD is seriously confused by my croacky non existent voice though. Just wanted a moan really.

NoSquirrels Sun 29-Oct-17 07:41:27

My DH is good when I'm ill - gets up, sorts DC, rearranges work around school runs if necessary, tea & sympathy etc.

He is also a ridiculously competitive hypochondriac - he'll "come down with it" in the next day or so. Like clockwork. Even if it's impossible (severe period pain, pregnancy related exhaustion, etc). He's completely unaware he's doing it, I'm sure, but it's fucking annoying. I assume that he subconsciously feels the need to even the score and get his own share of "time off".

I hear of this phenomenon more in men than women, and it's where the "man flu" phrase etc starts. I hate sexist generalisations but I do recognise this scenario in my life, alas.

Butteredparsn1ps Sun 29-Oct-17 07:41:29

I can’t help with your DH I’m afraid, but steam is really helpful for sinusitis. Have a steamy bath or shower and try and get some rest if you can.

Hope you are feeling better soon. You do deserve sympathy flowers

CompletelyUnknown Sun 29-Oct-17 07:41:31

I’ve been in hailing olbas and steam for the past 2 days and taking sinutab. It just reached that all encompassing sinus pain last night. Has anyone tried one of those Neti pots? I’m having thoughts of getting a large needle and trying to pop my sinuses. It’s a satisfying daydream. I imagine it’d be a really loud gooey pop. Bloody hell sleep deprivation is hitting me now.

LaContessaDiPlump Sun 29-Oct-17 07:43:59

op I found my partner improved when I told him that I felt poorly and required a hug and some sympathy that was not then turned around on himself. He was a bit puzzled but complied. He has tried to remember this going forward, and gets it right occasionally now even though it is obvious he's doing it by instruction rather than because it naturally occurs to him to be caring.

I can't say I care much about that though; I'll take stilted formulaic sympathy over none at all any day!

LouHotel Sun 29-Oct-17 07:45:45

@nosquirrels not going to lie the thought of your DH mimicking morning sickness made me chuckle. Im imagining your 'oh piss off' face. It would make me rage though, my dh never went that far.

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