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GPs offer of money for education

(18 Posts)
SchoolMoney Sat 28-Oct-17 22:09:53

Have name changed for this because it will be recognisable to a family member here. DS is 4 months old. Relationship with MIL is strained at best, I really do make a big effort with her for DH and now DSs sake. She feels her opinion is the only one and has never been challenged or had anyone question what she wants until me. I'm not rude to her, I just have learned not to let her dictate what will happen in every case (having learned the hard way).

Since she found out about DS she has been talking about the school he WILL be going to. Same one as DH and his brother. I said 'we'll see' and 'sure we(DH and myself) have ages to decide on schools' every time she brought it up. She bought him outfits in the school colours and wrapped them with cards to 'the new X School boy' before he was born. She shows no actual interest in him, had no desire to hold him and still talks about how much she hated having children herself so not to expect anything else from her.

DH would like DS to go to the school but has at least been open to looking at other options. It is a fee paying school and we would really struggle to pay for it.

ILs have now offered a certain amount of money to us each year to be used for DSs education. I am grateful for this offer however I am very wary as to what that means. If we use it for something else (for example private music/art/language lessons) will they want a say in what it's used for/be able to decide to stop if they don't approve. If we use it for the fees (like DH wants to) do they get a say in what subjects DS does since they're paying? However I don't want to seem ungrateful and say no but I think it's just being offered so we have no excuse for not using her choice of school.

Has anyone else had an offer like this and had it work out fine or know how to approach a conversation about it without causing offence? I really don't want to be horrible but I also don't want to sign up for them having a 'legitimate' say in every decision about it since it will be their money.

I am well aware it is ridiculous being worked up about education for a child so young but I really would appreciate anyone who has had similars thoughts.

LindyHemming Sat 28-Oct-17 22:13:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DJBaggySmalls Sat 28-Oct-17 22:16:41

Can you pay the money into a trust fund and use it for uni instead?
What if you have more than one child? What if your next is a girl? It all sounds awful.

wobblywonderwoman Sat 28-Oct-17 22:20:12

It will only lead to trouble I fear. He us only four months and already they are making a drama out if it.

SchoolMoney Sat 28-Oct-17 22:31:03

I already asked about if it could go into an account for college and apparently it's each year as it's the highest amount they can gift 'for tax reasons'. This was just sprung on me and I want to have a proper thought out plan of what to say to DH and them before anything. The thought of having another DC and it maybe not being offered for them, especially if they were a girl, did cross my mind.sad

BarbarianMum Sat 28-Oct-17 22:33:37

Don't accept things from controlling people unless you're happy to be controlled.

planetclom Sat 28-Oct-17 22:39:03

So what does it matter if they give it yearly? You can keep it in an account for uni surely?.... or have they told you that can’t happen? In which case they are already controlling. They can only give x for tax purposes but what you do with it year on year is your business.
I would steer clear

WildRosesGrow Sat 28-Oct-17 22:49:46

There is no 'gift tax' in the UK. Your inlaws can give you, your DH and your son as much money as they like without any tax being incurred. The only time it would be relevant is if they died within 7 years of a gift being made. If their total estate was more than £325,000 (£650k if the first spouse died and left everything to the second spouse), then the gift could be counted as part of their estate for inheritance tax reasons.

I think the main issue here is your MIL's wish to control choices relating to your son. As you've already said, it is up to you and your husband to choose your son's school (and type of nappies, nursery, toothpaste, etc). Does your husband want your son to go to this school because he thinks is the best, or because it is what his Mum wants? Who knows if the school will be the right one, when the time comes you might have moved or decided against private education.

I think you need to find a way to close this topic, or else it is going to be continually brought up. Talk to your husband and decide on a way of saying "Thanks but no thanks" and wait until the time comes to think about schools. Of course there is a risk that you both decide that a fee paying school would be best, can't afford it and your inlaws decline to help at that point. This is a risk I would be willing to take in order to be free of this overbearing interest in the topic.

RuggerHug Sat 28-Oct-17 22:56:20

Sorry not in UK so tax would be different. DH loved the school but realised after I mentioned it that a lot may have changed in the 20 30 years since he was there. I'm glad other people see my point of view and it's not me just based on who is offering.

RuggerHug Sat 28-Oct-17 22:56:22

Sorry not in UK so tax would be different. DH loved the school but realised after I mentioned it that a lot may have changed in the 20 30 years since he was there. I'm glad other people see my point of view and it's not me just based on who is offering.

RuggerHug Sat 28-Oct-17 22:56:34

Sorry not in UK so tax would be different. DH loved the school but realised after I mentioned it that a lot may have changed in the 20 30 years since he was there. I'm glad other people see my point of view and it's not me just based on who is offering.

eyebrowsonfleek Sun 29-Oct-17 00:49:53

They sound very controlling so it’s unlikely that this money has no strings attached.
They may want copies of reports, attend school events and remind your son that he needs to be grateful as they pay fees.

notapizzaeater Sun 29-Oct-17 01:00:49

Your name change has failed

ThePants999 Sun 29-Oct-17 01:01:08

Don't accept things from controlling people unless you're happy to be controlled.

Sage words. Heed them

LipstickHandbagCoffee Sun 29-Oct-17 01:21:53

Tricky, I’d work out total costs of the school inc uniform,trips,extra lessons and at least 10% annually and ask can the IL deposit that amount.not a vague, let see , or be great when he get there.can they afford Actual cash for 14yr.

Your baby is only 4mth it seems v premature unless the application is genuinley name very far in advance

If you have another child, a girl?will they still pay

lalalalyra Sun 29-Oct-17 01:48:09

You need to think about it all very carefully.

Even taking out the controlling aspect - how old are they? What if something happens to them in the next 14 years - will you need to pull him from the school? Do you plan anymore children - will they also pay for them? Are they offering to pay for everything or just the fees? If they are only paying the fees can you afford everything else?

If you fall out with them will they keep paying? If they stop can you afford it?

The biggest thing for me would be "will this be held over us/thrown in my face for the next 14/however many year?" If the answer is "yes" or "probably" then there's no way I'd accept.

CamperVamp Sun 29-Oct-17 01:51:13

You would be mad to send a child to school predicated on tne contribution of someone who is controlling. Suppose she cuts you off / runs out of money etc?

It would also be bonkers to choose a school for a child at 4m. You need to choose a school that suits the child.

I would not accept a penny without saying ‘thank you we will save it for educational purposes, but you need to be clear that xxx school is only an option that we will consider, amongst many others’,

I hate this patriarchal dynasty thing where it is assumed they go to the Old School. It would make me refuse straight away.

Cavender Sun 29-Oct-17 01:55:02

It’s not uncommon for Grandparents to pay school fees. But money with strings attached is never a good thing.

In your circumstances I wouldn’t accept it.

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