I've had enough!

[anythingbuttypical]

I'm fed up. My husband has no respect for me. My kids have no respect for me. He undermines me when I try to discipline them. He calls me bone idle infront of them. I'm not bone idle. I just don't list everything I do and make a big song and dance about it. I've started to spend more and more time away from them. Going to bed early or going out to a friend's house or like last night. I just went and sat in my car in a nearby carpark for an hour.
Examples:

1. We decided to have a chinese. Dd didn't want Chinese. So I said if she didn't want what we all wanted then I could make her something different at home. She refused. DH made us all change what we wanted to what she wanted. Having to drive 3 miles to get it despite the Chinese being round the corner.
2. Dd1 got her bike out after me telling her not to, when it was time to put it away, she refused and told me to do it. DH was busy and told me to do it. I explained I told her not to get it out and so she should be made to pit it away. He started shouting at me. Calling me bone idle. The dds jumped on it and started calling me names and being generally horrible to me. Dd put the bike away herself in the end after lots of bagging from me.
3. Dd2 didnt finish her dinner after sitting there for over an hour. Claiming she was full. She woke up at midnight demanding a chocolate bar. Screaming, shouting and banging. I said no, it was the middle of the night and she should have finished her dinner and she wouldn't sleep if she ate chocolate. She then wanted a drink. So I got her a glass of water. No she wanted juice, cue more screaming. DH started shouting at me telling me to give her a chocolate bar/juice etc to shut her up!!! He'd rather have an easy night but it just makes the rest if our life harder. He doesn't get it!

I refused as one of us has to parent the kids and teach them boundaries. After half an hour of screaming and crying, saying she was starving to death. She gave up. She hasn't done it again since.

I'm constantly made to feel like I'm basically abusive and lazy. Other people tell me I'm a pushover with them (I probably have been, I've recently taken a different approach as they have become brats) and when I tell people that he calls me bone idle. They comment on how clean my house is, how tidy the kids are and how they can tell I am anything but lazy.

He has always had a chip on his shoulder about how he works 50 hour weeks when I work 16. I mention how I've saved us a small fortune in childcare. Working my job around the dc's. And how I am always there to pick them up, cook the dinners, take them to their clubs and clean up after them. He's disgusted if I ever ask him to throw a load in the washing machine or empty the dishwasher or put the dcs to bed. You know just a few small jobs. Is that too much to ask. But I'm being bone idle.
We're their parents not their friends. They need discipline and I can't do it alone.

[anythingbuttypical]

Dds are 9 & 10 btw.

[Apileofballyhoo]

Your DH sounds very unpleasant.

[anythingbuttypical]

He seems to like being their favourite. That is how it is becoming. Because I'm the only one attempting to discipline them. It's for their own good. They're becoming horrible bratty people.

[anythingbuttypical]

DH isn't here today. They've been calling me bone idle for most of the day. How dare they! Bit the obviously think it's acceptable as that is how he speaks to me.

My friend was here yesterday. She commented on how she thought it was a bit odd how he shouted at me to get dd an ice cream (perfectly capable of doing it herself) I mean how embarrassing.

[Needadvicetoleave]

No, he doesn't respect you, and he's teaching your DDS not to respect you either.

Respect yourself and stop putting up with it.

[anythingbuttypical]

How do I do that needadvice how do I make him see what he is doing

[PickAChew]

He's an abusive twat and he is teaching the kids how to do the same. You can't stay with him.

[anythingbuttypical]

I don't think he's abusive. It's not that bad. I mean i give as good as I get. I just choose my moments and don't say things like that infront of the dds. He just has no respect.

[Mittens1969]

He’s abusive towards you and he’s teaching your DCs to be the same. You need to LTB for your own sake and theirs.

[Youcanttaketheskyfromme]

I'd be really concerned that your children will grow up and think that either it's ok to treat people like this or that it's ok if they are treated like this.

[Mittens1969]

Sorry but him calling you ‘bone idle’ is abusive, the disturbing thing is that your DDs are copying him.

[MyBrilliantDisguise]

Why are you letting the children get away with calling you names when you're on your own with them? Show them who's the bloody boss, for god's sake!

As for him - he is causing the breakdown in the relationship with your children. I know I would go, but you seem to be minimising it now.

[anythingbuttypical]

I do sometimes wonder if this is what his childhood was like. His parents divorced when he was a teenager. I mean my parents argued sometimes. But not like he does. Does he think it's normal?

[anythingbuttypical]

I just wouldn't call it abusive. He's not upsetting me. He's infuriating me!
I don't know what to do with the dc's. I've told them so many times not to speak to anyone like that. My mum has told them when they've spoke to me like that infront of her.

[Gemini69]

Sod his Childhood.. he's a grown man with a wife and children of his own... and now your children have learned from him .. this is how we treat Mum.... you cannot defend this behaviour OP

this is a horrible situation.....

[Checkedstripes]

I wouldn't call it abusive.

So he's constantly putting you down, in front of your children and friends, teaching your children to teach you appalling as well, and you don't call it abusive?

Imagine someone treating your daughters like this. Would you be content to allow it to continue, as it isn't 'abusive'?

Come on, this is horrible. He has no respect for you and is teaching others to do the same. Think about the lasting impact on your children and grow a backbone.

[Madbum]

You don’t need to make him see, he’s not blindly treating you like shit, he knows exactly what he’s doing and he does it because he enjoys it, he enjoys the power he feels from demeaning and subjugating you, he enjoys turning the children against you and watching you struggle to fight against it.
What you need to decide is if you’re worth more than this? Are you worth more than being the shit on his shoe? I think you are and I don’t even know you.
LTB.

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

He's being a cunt because he can get away with it.

[viques]

If your kids say you are bone idle then show them what bone idle means by not rushing around after them. They are not babies, are old enough to do a lot for themselves, and incidentally a lot to help you.

Stop getting a child who is at least 9 a drink, if she is thirsty she can go downstairs and get her own drink.

Stop pandering to one child's wants over the rest of the family.

If a bike isn't put away and gets pinched then tough, someone doesn't have a bike.

If clothes aren't delivered to the washing machine they don't get washed.

Dont chase about looking for school bags, pe kits homework etc. If you make packed lunches then make them, tell them where they are but expect them to pick them up themselves.

Dont do favours unless you are asked properly, and thanked afterwards.

I realise you haven't mentioned a lot of the above, but I bet you do them!

You are not bone idle, but make sure you are not beginning to look like a doormat.

[GladAllOver]

I just wouldn't call it abusive. He's not upsetting me. He's infuriating me!

Of course it's abusive! Everything you have described is abusive!

[Summerswallow]

This is, at the very least, very poor role modelling of how to treat another adult. It must hurt a lot that the DC's are copying him.

I would leave. He treats you with contempt and disgust in your own home, and your children are now affected. I would leave and build a nicer life with your children who need to see good parenting from at least one parent. I very much doubt he'll be stepping up with the 50 hour working week and his influence in the house will be diminished.

He is emotionally abusive in my eyes, as he calls you names in front of your own children.

I couldn't live with this- can you not see your friends and family are astonished too?

[EvilDemonRaspberryOverlord]

I don't think he's abusive.

He is abusive. He knows what he's doing and doesn't care that you feel disrespected or that the kids are copying him.

I left someone very recently. We were together for 3 decades and I wish so much I eft him and taken the DCs years ago. He was similar to your DH. We're getting on without him, but he's left damage to all of us.

Seriously, you need to consider leaving him, it'll only get worse as the DCs grow up and fully copy his behaviour. You deserve more.

[PerfectPenquins]

Wether you feel it’s abusive or not aside it’s just not right in any way. Your family and your friend are witnessing the awe full treatment your being subjected to. Your children learning this from your husband could turn them into abusive adults if they think it’s acceptable to behave this way. Your husband working a 50 hour week is irrelevant many parents do and they then actually come home and parent their children, do housework, shopping etc he is the lazy one full of excuses. Seriously he would give your child a chocolate bar in the middle of the night to shut them up! What is his problem? I’d leave to be honest op you don’t deswrve this treatment. What do the kids say when they are pulled up on it by your Mum? Could your friend say something when they do it and really emphasise their school and disgust in the kids behaviour? Might shock them a bit? Or speak to the teachers and see how they behave at school?