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CFN dog poo Cluedo

(29 Posts)
EyeRollChampion Sat 28-Oct-17 09:26:42

Here are the facts of the case. We live in an area that is 'not naice'. And we've pissed somebody off.

Lastnight, dp stepped out the front door for a vape... directly into a pile of fresh dog shit. We do not own a dog and do not open directly onto the street.

When he came in, he immediately said next door's dog had shat on our doorstep. Then bagged up his brand new socks and threw them in the bin confused

He thinks it's next door because he's heard them complaining loudly about us vaping out the front 'a couple of times' apparently (first I've heard of it, I thought we were on good terms so why wouldn't she mention it if it was bothering her?). There aren't many dogs on our street so I see his point. Upsetting but Inspector EyerollChamp has a mystery to solve so must put personal feelings aside. So we have our first suspect: was it Mrs. 5 on the doorstep with the yappy chihuahua cross?

The next nearest dog owner is Mrs. 5's best bud, Mrs. 36. Mrs 36 is always out front with a fag hanging out of her mouth and wildly unbelievable tales of gossip about all and sundry. I had a massive falling out with her a few years back (entirely one-sided as she's one of those screaming in the street like a fish wife, no you can't have a word in edgeways types) over my son apparently threatening her (also keen on embellishments) dd with a used hypodermic needle. This story changed every time Mrs. 36 told it. First time, he had threatened her with it. 2nd he'd thrown it at her. 3rd he'd stabbed her with it hmm Tried talking to her like an adult to get to the bottom of it but was shouted down every time. Then she seemingly quite arbitrarily started acting like it had never happened a few months later. Mrs 36 is very two-faced, arrogant, thick as mystery dog poo, nosy and brash.

So... was it number 36 on the doorstep with the grubby yet quite sweet poodle?

The plot thickens: Our other NDN, Mrs. 7, vacated the premises about 2 months ago on an unapproved mutual exchange. It was a sweet mercy for us. Mrs. 7 is a very loud, heroin and crystal meth addicted, extremely smelly and aggressive lady. And... she owns 7 CHIHUAHUAS. The number has varied slightly over the years as she's put them out to stud, or on a few occasions left them unattended while she went away for the weekend and come back to dead dogs. These dogs barked and howled constantly in her garden for nearly 3 years. Tried resolving it personally but had to get council involved and she was issued with a noise abatement order.

Mrs. 7 threw a massive rave before moving out purely, it would seem, as a fuck you to all the neighbours who had complained about her. Then her exchange was vetoed due to the damage she'd left and she was told to move back. She went 'fuck that' and absconded. But she's been back a couple of times to pick stuff up.

So... was it Mrs. 7 on the doorstep with a final fuck you?

Oh, and my ex husband has just moved into the flat opposite, next to Mrs. 36 grin. He has literally shagged his way around the street and almost ended up back where he started.

So: AIBU to ask MN to help me solve this CFN mystery? Forensics are currently tied up solving murders and wotnot.

whoareyoukidding Sat 28-Oct-17 09:28:46

Could it have been fox shit? For some reason, the local fox population seem to think that my garden is their local lavatory. Really stinks, too sad

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers Sat 28-Oct-17 09:29:15

Chihuahua poo will be very small. Not much bigger than cat poo. Poodle poo would be significantly larger, depending on the model of dog.

What size of poo did Inspector EyerollChamp stand in?

EyeRollChampion Sat 28-Oct-17 09:36:14

See, this is why I need MN. Though I thought it might be longer before we got onto poo descriptions.

I have so far ascertained that it is definitely not cat poo (too large, totally wrong colour). I've just Googled fox poo and nope, not a chance.

I unfortunately-fortunately didn't see the original pile of poo as dp dealt with what he could see swiftly (it was dark). He will be reinterviewed shortly but atm all I have to go on are the ahem remains.

ItsNachoCheese Sat 28-Oct-17 09:37:20


LakieLady Sat 28-Oct-17 09:45:49

Damn, he's destroyed the evidence.

I was about to request a pic of the poo, alongside a ruler so we can determine the scale, like they do in forensic photographs.

How big are the poodles? Miniature poodle poo will be significantly larger than chihuahua poo, toy poodle poo a lot nearer in size. Standard poodle poo will be bloody enormous.

I think you should pop to Maplins and pick up some cheap security cameras in case it happens again. grin

MrTrebus Sat 28-Oct-17 09:47:46

Do you live on that street from that channel 5 programme?

EyeRollChampion Sat 28-Oct-17 09:47:47

Well, dp is now awake and in a grim mood about the loss of his nice new socks and the (insert numerous expletives here) people around here. So not much help.

However, I was wrong in assuming he had flushed the poo down the loo - in a rage he had slung it into the car park where it remains. confused I will deal with it when my stomach feels a little stronger.

It is not too big for a chihuahua nor too small for a poodle.

EyeRollChampion Sat 28-Oct-17 09:49:00

googles poodles

EyeRollChampion Sat 28-Oct-17 09:50:06

@MrTrebus I sometimes think we must be fictional.

EyeRollChampion Sat 28-Oct-17 09:51:55

Looks like a miniature poodle.

PurplePillowCase Sat 28-Oct-17 09:56:58

we have a fox that sleeps in the bush next to the door and sometimes shits on the doorstep.

FluffyWhiteTowels Sat 28-Oct-17 10:02:03

Oh yuk.

JonSnowsWife Sat 28-Oct-17 10:06:31

You'd know if it was human poo. Part of DSs school run goes through woods and you'd be surprised at the number of times we've had to dive out the way of human poo as well as dog poo! Guess either a lot of people camp out there or get caught short very quickly whilst rambling through! (we often see tents up).

Chihuahua poo would be quite small.

Could just be fox poo. We have a family of foxes here and the Dad is a big bugger!

Or cat poo even. Next doors twatcat was forever leaving us presents of this sort. That's when he wasn't spraying the kids garden toys anyway hmm

Could it just be that a neighbours dog got out? The house behind us is always chasing after their dog that has escaped once again.

If the £ allows. Cheap cctv should deter them if it is indeed a human, or a human letting their dog crap there.

Slaylormoon Sat 28-Oct-17 10:09:42

Hope it's actually dog poo OP, and not person poo thlenvy (not envy at all).

TheWhyteRoseShallRiseAgain Sat 28-Oct-17 10:10:53

You now need to borrow an Irish Wolfhound thlgrin

whoareyoukidding Sat 28-Oct-17 10:20:07

Are you going to put some of that pepper stuff down?

EyeRollChampion Sat 28-Oct-17 10:20:51

No way on Earth this was cat poo. It had that red brick colour particular to domestic dogs.

A fox wouldn't last 5 minutes before being stoned to death by Daily Fail readers or delinquents around here. And I spent more time than I wanted to scrolling through Google images of fox poo. I feel I'm really starting to know my enemy shock

It could have been an escapee. Next door's dog is always running off, followed by her rabble of future inmates. Who could equally have thought it was a hilarious prank.

EyeRollChampion Sat 28-Oct-17 10:27:00

@slaylormoon not human poo (unless they partake of the odd bunch of grass) envy also not envy. Feeling rather vommy now. The evidence has been bagged and sent off to Dr. Wheelybin for anal-ysis.

Inspector EyerollChamp is reminded why she should never adopt a canine companion. No amount of cute can sweeten that cold, slimy memory.

Slaylormoon Sat 28-Oct-17 10:30:26

@EyeRollChampion it could be vegan thlgrin

EyeRollChampion Sat 28-Oct-17 10:33:01

TheWhyteRoseShallRiseAgain grin

Whoareyoukidding pray tell?

whoareyoukidding Sat 28-Oct-17 14:47:38

EyeRoll apparently if you put down chilli powder or cayenne pepper or vinegar around the area it puts animals off doing a poo there.

EyeRollChampion Sat 28-Oct-17 15:18:20

@Whoareyoukidding oh cool, cheers!

toodles off to spice the flowerbeds

EyeRollChampion Sat 28-Oct-17 15:22:42

Oh, forgot to update. When dp slung the poo in the car park, a big blob of it went on Mrs. 5's car bonnet shock

I spotted it and told dp to go and clean it off quick, but the eldest offspring came out and caught him! Dp said "we've had some vandals, I'm afraid. They left a load of poo on our doorstep and looks like they've got your car as well. Here, let me clean that off for you." grin

picklemepopcorn Sat 28-Oct-17 15:32:26

Fox poo smells very different from dog poo. Dog poo is vile, but Fox poo makes you heave. It’s really gag inducing.

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