To not want to be forever soft?

[Sotuko]

has anyone ever gone from being "soft as shit" to being confident and tougher? If so how did you do it?

I'm like a door mouse constantly worried about offending, upsetting, annoying etc - I talk so quietly people can't hear me. I get walked over right left and centre. Abusive men in particular see me coming a mile off.

I dream of being strong, assertive and confident. How do I do it??!

[CanYouGuessImATeacher]

An assertiveness course? Or some CBT? There's probably a good book or two out there too.

Feminism made me toughen up a lot as I realised how I'd always felt intimidated by men and took on a 'fuck you' attitude. I had an issue of 'taking up space' so I forced myself to take up space and hold my head up high. It got easier the more I did it.

[speakout]

I did.
My mother brought me up to be subservient to men in particular.
Led to horrible times in early adulthood,

Having kids was what shifted things for me. I didn't want my kids - and DD in particular to get walked on.
Finding my strength came though my kids. I became a lioness standing up for them.
And that assertiveness has stayed with me.

[Sotuko]

Having kids didn't make me any tougher but then, I was never that maternal either.

How can I get referred for CBT/counselling?

[zebedebe]

Go to your GP and explain about being “constantly worried” - it’s a form of social anxiety, so you should be able to get referred for some CBT via your local IAPT service (in fact you can probably self refer - google IAPT). CBT for anxiety management can then include work on assertiveness. Good luck OP!

[Candlelight234]

I think a large part of it is about self belief, believing that your opinion is equally as valid as everyone else's and it has a right to be heard.
I became A LOT more assertive through a job I've had. It is uncomfortable at first, but I believe it can be done.

[UserThenLotsOfNumbers]

Sounds odd but why not try to put on an act. Pretend you’re an actress and acting the part of a really assertive person. See how your day goes. I reckon you’ll like it. An you access therapy?

[mynxy]

I think you have boundary issues (like me).

I've found Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship by Adelyn Birch to be immensely helpful. My ex was abusive and I needed to find out what it was about me that enabled him to treat me that way. I keep reading it - it only takes a half hour or so (bad memory!) and it makes me feel so much stronger.