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to panic that my 14 yo son is watching hard-core porn?

(89 Posts)
SecondMouseGetsTheCheese Fri 27-Oct-17 18:46:29

Not a complicated one, but just want to know how others have dealt with this, and name changed because reasons. Noticed that his tablet was where it was meant to be (charging) after he'd gone to bed. DH checked if the Google account was active, which it was, so knocked on his bedroom door and asked him to bring it downstairs. After DS had handed it over and gone back to his room OH told me sites he'd accessed included pornhub and others, including lots of message 'find sexy women to fuck near you right now' type sites. I completely get the whole teen curiosity/wank material side of it, but what he was watching wasn't channel five soft focus stuff, it was properly graphic - and of course because of the way so much of the porno industry works, this includes aggression and demeaning language, as well as all the typical boob jobs and less common (?) sex acts that I don't want him to think is what women all look like or want to do. I'm genuinely a bit panicked because I didn't think he was that interested (I know, I know, completely naive of me, obviously!). The message type sites worry me too - I don't know whether he's actually used them to 'talk' to others, or if they just came up as pop ups when you're on a site like pornhub. When I was a teenager there was nothing like the kind of access that the internet gives everyone now, and photos of a naked woman in a top shelf mag that you and your mates would randomly find in a bush are a million miles away from the hardcore videos of woman being shagged up the bum by two men at a time that seem to be 'the in thing' on pornhub. So what now? Do we say nothing, or should we have a matter of fact type chat with him along the lines of "We get that you're growing up and know you probably know this, but: women don't all look like that; it's not a realistic portrayal of what most people do in bed; behaving aggressively isn't okay unless it's something you've agreed together and you have safe words". And talk to him about the messaging sites too, remind him of the conversations we've had before about people not necessarily being what they may appear to be online, don't give anyone your personal real life info, don't swap photos or videos of yourself doing anything private because you don't know what they might do with them. Or should we be letting him have his tablet in his room so he does have some access to stuff that turns him on, or buy him some of those magazines for 'private' use?!? I'm confused and don't want to do anything that will mess him up (although obviously as his parent that is my job, which I'm sure I'm doing wonderfully).

MsJudgemental Fri 27-Oct-17 18:51:22

"We get that you're growing up and know you probably know this, but: women don't all look like that; it's not a realistic portrayal of what most people do in bed; behaving aggressively isn't okay unless it's something you've agreed together and you have safe words".

This. Please don’t buy him magazines, though!

KarlosKKrinkelbeim Fri 27-Oct-17 18:55:41

What would you do if he was using the tablet to access violent racist material? Take it away, right?
Why should this be any different? He’s getting access as a minor to violent misogynist propaganda against women, half of the human race, who are entitled to be treated decently and with respect. You need to prevent it, insofar as that’s within your power.

RoderickRules Fri 27-Oct-17 18:56:32

How about saying that violence isn't the norm in s dual relationships and that anything that would hurt him, hurts a woman in the same way.
Women are human beings.

SecondMouseGetsTheCheese Fri 27-Oct-17 18:57:08

I'm not liking the magazines idea, I just didn't know if it was a reasonable compromise as (especially now!) I don't want him on his tablet in his room!

RoderickRules Fri 27-Oct-17 18:57:09

Argh!

That 'violence isn't the norm in relationships'

LittleBooInABox Fri 27-Oct-17 18:58:35

Allowing a minor to access pornographic material is I think a form of child abuse. Nip it in the bud OP. It isn't for his age range. Take the tablet away and have the talk.

Caprinihahahaha Fri 27-Oct-17 18:59:06

You need to talk to him a lot
It's not one short conversation, it's an on going process and to be honest you should have covered a lot of the basic stuff like consent already
Tell him sex is great but porn shows sex the way Jurassic park shows a petting farm

Conversations about girls, partners, urges, porn, respect, desire, infatuation, contraception should be part of your 'how are you - how are things' conversations

Don't buy him magazines - if he's big enough to search out internet porn he can buy his own bloody magazines. If you make his curiosity about sex all about shame and wanking that's a slippery slope
He's 14 and you got caught behind the curve but you need to catch up tbh

SecondMouseGetsTheCheese Fri 27-Oct-17 19:03:40

He's losing all access to the tablet in the short term anyway because he sneaked it into his room, I just don't honestly know what is reasonable for him to have access too - yes, violence against women etc etc isn't okay, aggression is not a part of sex etc etc, but is it penalizing him for 'normal' healthy curiosity about his own body and sex to restrict him to zero private time with internet access? And for how long? A week, a month, six months?

lionsleepstonight Fri 27-Oct-17 19:08:10

You can set up restrictions on your broadband so over 18 sites can't be accessed. It doesn't stop everything, but it does stop sites like pork hub etc.

lionsleepstonight Fri 27-Oct-17 19:08:59

Lol. Not pork.

SecondMouseGetsTheCheese Fri 27-Oct-17 19:11:06

We have talked about consent and healthy relationships, in varying detail, since he was little - along with alcohol and drugs and road safety and smoking, lying and stealing, the importance of contributing to society and standing up for what you believe in! Just not sure if he is the exception, accessing this type of stuff, or if it's standard at a certain stage of development, that fades once interest grows in more 'realistic' portrayals of sex on screen...

Pengggwn Fri 27-Oct-17 19:12:53

He is too young for his parents to okay access to hard core pornography, OP. Tell him not on his nelly and not on your dime. If he wants to buy a porn DVD with his own money and without your knowledge, his look-out, but tell him absolutely not to the 'two men up the bum' scenarios. It is not okay for you to let this pass.

SecondMouseGetsTheCheese Fri 27-Oct-17 19:13:34

grin pork! Will have to work out how to do the broadband restrictions - this evening, once small ones are in bed, then sit and talk with 14.
TY.

CountryGirl1985 Fri 27-Oct-17 19:15:01

Okay am going to go slightly against the grain but what is he like in other respects? Is he respectful of women normally? Does he do other things that have you worried (drinking, smoking etc...) and is there a girlfriend on the scene? He's 14 (just? Or nearly 15?) because realistically in this day and age kids have access to an awful lot. If you otherwise have no concerns I would go down the, "you know this isn't a real representation of how things are? You know the aggressive behaviour isn't acceptable/some people who have had discussions may enjoy an element but it has to be consensual and to do that you need to be over the legal age so does the girl" type talk rather than trying to stop him and driving him towards accessing it as an act of rebellion. Obviously if you have other concerns as well it's a different matter but truthfully nowadays things are much more accessible. As an aside, is he accessing this regularly or was it a one off? Could have been something as simple as a Fifty Shades style discussion that's led to some exploring - I guess what I'm trying to say is get his perspective too smile

SecondMouseGetsTheCheese Fri 27-Oct-17 19:15:29

Not planning to let it pass, just trying to work out how to deal. And a dvd wouldn't do him much good - only dvd player is in living room, and don't imagine he'd want to watch with company!

khajiit13 Fri 27-Oct-17 19:16:12

It's normal but it doesn't make it okay. You need to try your best to restrict this from happening again and he will try his best to work around your restrictions and access it again because that is what teenagers do. But at least this should limit it somewhat. It's easier to access hardcore porn that softcore porn, sadly, so that doesn't surprise me either.

And yes you need to speak to him. Be very clear, don't shy around it

Pengggwn Fri 27-Oct-17 19:16:38

SecondMouseGetsTheCheese

I understand, OP. I would restrict internet access for his own good.

Haggisfish Fri 27-Oct-17 19:20:26

Ime as a secondary pshe teacher it is completely normal to have accessed it by 14. 90% of boys have or have seen it on a mates phone. Def need an ongoing talk about how unrealistic it is and block access where possible. Could you redirect to written word sites instead maybe? Or google 'real bodies' if he is interested in what real human bits look like?

KarlosKKrinkelbeim Fri 27-Oct-17 19:21:47

The extent to which this sort of material has become normalised is worrying and we need to push back. A teenage boy wanting to see naked women is normal. A teenage boy watching women being abused and violently humiliated is not. If he were watching Isis beheadings I think you’d be stopping that. This is also hate material.
The fact that many men seemingly want to access it tells us nothing more than lots of men hate women. It doesn’t make it ok. Women in these films are treated appallingly. This is not acceptable exploration.

littlebird7 Fri 27-Oct-17 19:23:40

Boys that watch too much porn will soon be unable to achieve a hardon, as they become completely unable to be aroused by normal girls.

This is an unreported growing (forgive the pun) problem as most GPS will tell you in this age group and older.

You need to tell him what it will do not just to his body, but to his mind and the future relationships he is yet to have. If he has a Dad he needs to have the chat, if not it is down to you. No time for blushing.

Restricting the internet will only go so far, he needs to decide that it isn't good for him, and protect himself.

ThaliaLuxurySpa Fri 27-Oct-17 19:24:03

OP,

Would it be wiser to discuss this in "Teenagers", rather than on "AIBU" ?

MsHarry Fri 27-Oct-17 19:25:23

Wow, I can imagine how you feel. I have teenage DDs and haven't had this problem to my knowledge. But on their behalf, what you suggest talking to him about sounds great. DON'T enable this further though. iPad downstairs only from now on. Lock safe search on his web browser, tell him you will continue to check.Watching this stuff is NOT acceptable for anyone. Having a wank in his room=normal, watching hardcore, degrading to women porn IS NOT!

SecondMouseGetsTheCheese Fri 27-Oct-17 19:26:37

Thanks CountryGirl, I do completely get your point about balance. To answer your questions, there are no other concerns. His birthday is March so he's 14 and a half, doesn't smoke (none of us do so we'd smell it), top set in everything at school, no girlfriend that we know anything about, argues with siblings as you'd expect, rolls his eyes but then gets on with it when it's his turn to load the dishwasher, makes us the occasional cuppa - all in all, he's a reasonable young man!

Haggisfish Fri 27-Oct-17 19:27:25

I would discuss this with dds as well so they know it is not normal to be pounded, shave all pubic hair off or to have a bleached anis.

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