My partner seems to have changed since starting his new job - paranoid, pregnant and upset(32 Posts)
Hi everyone. I'm new here so I'm sorry if I get some stuff wrong or if this is in the wrong category.
I'm 23 years old and found out that I was pregnant 3 months ago. 4 years ago I suffered a stillbirth which meant that my pregnancy was high risk this time. They basically told me to take it easy and that I needed to have more scans than what I'd usually have to on the NHS.
I've been with my 31 year old partner for just over 3 years. Our relationship started out really rocky because he was only interested in friends with benefits. In all honesty he was really immature and I was hurt a lot in the beginning by him. He still lived at home and I helped him to get out of that and find a full time job. I've really done my best to help this guy in everything.
The rewards did however come back to me because after all of that he's been a wonderful partner. I know he will be an amazing daddy, or so I thought until today as I began realising something was off.
He had been complaining for a long time that he hated his old job and I agreed that he had reason to hate it because he was working 14 hour shifts with no breaks and no overtime pay. It was barely much better than slave labour in all honesty.
I said that I'd help him out by seeing if I could find him a new job. I'm a recruiter (Or I was, I've had to go on a very early maternity leave due to the fact I'm high risk) and I managed to find him a better job on much higher pay.
He had to give notice of a month with his old job and this week (Monday) was his first day at the new job.
He came home telling me that he loved it and really appreciated that I'd got it for him. He then said something that began to get my thoughts ticking, he said most of his coworkers were 18-19 year old girls. At first I shrugged this off, I didn't really care, it was just an odd thing for him to say.
On Wednesday he came home and I asked him over dinner if he had made any friends and his response was "I sometimes hang around with the teenage girls just for something to do really. Their immaturity is funny." I found this totally out of order and creepy because I don't think a 31 year old taken man who is soon to be a dad should be hanging around with kids. I expressed that I didn't like the situation and he basically just told me he was doing nothing wrong to me. I couldn't really argue with that. The thing that worried me the most is the fact that I personally was no more than a teenage girl when he got with me and now I look back, and am having my own little girl I realise how wrong it could've been seen as. At the time my parents weren't very happy about it and I didn't understand why.
Anyway, I guess today was the final straw and the reason I'm here. I'd been meaning to sign up for a mumsnet account anyway but it was something I never got round to doing until now as I really need the support.
I was booked in for a check up scan today, we found out through a CVS that we were having a little girl so it's not like this scan would've held any big news for us. My partner said he couldn't make the scan because he had completely forgotten about it and he needed to let work know in advance. That was fine, I didn't honestly think much of that because he is super forgetful as a person and my mum was going with me anyway as she's not attended a scan yet.
I figured that perhaps he would text me to see how it had gone. In fact, there was no doubt in my mind that he would text me or call me. He gets 3 breaks a day in his current job and it's an office based job, there's no excuse for him to not contact me.
You can probably guess what I'm going to say but he didn't text or call me at all to see how the scan went. I know the times he has his breaks so I was pretty annoyed but then I logged into facebook to upload a photo of our scan and I saw that he had been active something like 10 minutes previously as he had commented on a post his brother in law had put up about the football. His brother in law had put something like "Shouldn't you be working? ;) " and his response was "Half hour break, just chilling."
My blood was boiling at this stage and I was also incredibly confused because this isn't like him at all. I kept checking and checking to see if he had texted or called and I'd just missed it, he hadn't. In the past when he was in his other job (Which was MUCH more intense and required more of his attention at time) He never stopped texting or calling me to the point it was pretty annoying, but at least I knew he cared.
In a hormone fuelled rage I did the most childish thing ever and wrote a status on facebook saying "It'd be nice for some people to drop me a text every so often to ask me how I am but never mind." - 2 hours later he was yet again browsing Facebook on his final break, evidently saw my post and THEN decided to ask if I was ok. I'm 100% positive he only texted me because he saw my status.
I sent him a copy of the scan photo and added to it "Thanks for taking the time to ask earlier." His response was literally just "Aww, looking nice and healthy." He totally ignored what I said about him not asking sooner.
This is the first day that he has ever done anything as inconsiderate and hurtful as this, I can't believe it. It's now 6pm and he finished work at 5pm but he isn't going to be home until 11pm because he was going to see a football match with his brother in law and dad. Thankfully I'll be in bed by the time he gets home so I won't be able to punch his face in because I'm so fucking angry.
On Thursday I did call him whilst he was on his lunch break but he didn't seem as though he really wanted to talk. I kinda felt embarrassed that I'd called him because he was super quiet and didn't seem to want to make much conversation. I could hear people in the background talking.
I've no idea what to do. I feel so low. My hormones aren't helping at all but he really does seem to have changed. All of my friends are claiming that I'm probably just being paranoid but what excuse does a man have for not asking about his partner and baby? It isn't like he was busy...
Please talk to me and offer me advice, I feel so shit :-( I can't believe how much he has changed in the space of just a week and it's such a kick in the teeth when I got him this job!
I don't think it says anything about my maturity to expect my partner to care about me and contact me when I've had something done for our baby. Especially considering I had a stillbirth when I was 19 and I'm very touchy about this pregnancy, but never mind
It’s tough being pregnant when your hormones are all over the place. Sit him down and explain to him exactly how you’re feeling, I’m sure if he knew how much things like this upset you then he’d act differently
What is it with this spate of threads on blokes and teenage girls,,,
I didn't realise there were more threads similar haha! I'll have to check them out
It really seems to me on reading this that you both need to work on more effective communication. Passive aggressive stuff, unclear desires and expectations and veering between being needy and enabling aren't going to help either of you.
He's been thoughtless today but he's also just started a new job. You are over reacting. Listen to your friends
In reality, whether he's up to something or not (which you alluded to when mentioning his younger co-workers) there's not much you can do about it whilst at this stage in your high risk pregnancy. On the while his behaviour doesn't bode well but it could be something and nothing if he's great the rest of the time as you claim.
If I were you I would concentrate on yourself and your pregnancy and see how he adapts to being a father and to supporting you. Hopefully he'll prove his worth but if not, you really need to put yourself and your daughter first.
Thank you so much ladies. I really did realise tonight after crying over it for hours that I do need to focus on myself and the baby. I don't even know how I would cope if I lost her (All the tests came back fine and she's perfectly healthy, so am I apparently)
I have a bad gut instinct about his new workplace, I can't put my finger on it but before now I never had trust issues with him, I never really worried he was up to no good, something just doesn't seem right, but as an above poster said, there's nothing I can do about it anyway. Lets hope I'm wrong x
YABU but understandably so. Hope the pregnancy is as stress free as possible.
You need to mature up a little bit. As you've said it's a high risk pregnancy so learn not to get wound up at little things, to want to punch someone (even if metaphorically) suggests you've got a lot anger built up. You really need to let go of it for the sake of your baby.
Re him hanging out with teenage girls. They aren't that much younger than you. So if you think the whole thing is wrong then totally get out or just accept your relationship and just calm down a bit and then talk to him.
If he hated his old job then he probably contacted so frequently for respite. Now he’s enjoying his new job, he’s not as needy. I do think a text re the scam would have been been nice but he’ll be taking a lot on board given he’s just started. Overall you both need to communicate better. Posting things on Facebook is ill advised if you want the situation to improve
I'm concerned as to why you don't feel you can talk to him about something that's bothering you. For this stage in a relationship given your ages and that you're going to have a child, I'd expect that if he did something that upset or bothered you you'd talk to him about it. I'd have either sent a message explaining how it went (why were you waiting to be asked before telling him??) or if i didn't do that and didn't hear from him I'd have waited until he got home, told him it had upset me and asked if there was any reason he didn't get in touch, any fears or worries about the upcoming baby etc. Not put a cryptic Facebook status up!
Do you think there's a chance your stress and fear about being pregnant (due to the stillbirth) is filtering into your emotions and so you're focusing in on this when really it's about something much deeper?
Was this pregnancy planned? I mean, by both of you? I wonder if this man is less enthusiastic about the whole idea than you are.
It's also worth remembering that pregnancy has less of an impact on a man's life (obviously) and while a partner should be aware that you might need a bit more emotional/physical support (depending on how well you are and how well the PG is going) it's a mistake to turn into a constantly-demanding whinyarse when there are things you could do for yourself.
As other people have said communicate better practice now because your relationship will suffer once the baby is born.
Today tell him something along these lines.....when I go for a scan I need you to call/text me as it brings up the feelings associated with my stillbirth and I need your emotional support.
It sounds to me like you need to develop some resilience and not expect him or your mum to protect you. Ultimately it is you who is pregnant and will go into labour you need to become your own advocate/protector.
You say that you are going to have to have more scans than usual so he won't be able to attend them all, if you have any more children he might be looking after the older children.
As for hanging out with the teenage girls he shouldn't be cruel about what they talk about that's just arrogant and rude. But I wonder if he used that excuse as he realised you weren't comfortable with it? If he's doing to cheat he will do teenage girls or not.
I'm sorry for the loss of your first child
Blimey I think the op is getting a rough ride!
I don't think it's immature to expect the father of your child to give two fucks when you go for a scan.
Especially when he knows you have had such a traumatic experience in the past.
I agree you need to concentrate more on looking after yourself. As tbh he doesn't sound like he's going to be that interested or much help. Sorry op.
Just to say, OP is a mother. She had a baby that was stillborn, but nevertheless, her child
This is why phones should be banned during working hours.
And if you did something trivial to upset him for which he felt like punching your face in?
I hope it's your hormones talking and you get over that phase quickly, but if it's not, or you don't, that's perhaps your quickest way to being a single mother.
The punching comment was worrying too. I know people often say it's just a figure of speech and they didn't really mean it but it shows a massive amount of anger to even be thinking about that. It sounds like the relationship is in an unhealthy place right now: he seems uninterested to you and like he doesn't care that much, don't trust him not to be flirting/cheating, you feel so much anger towards him you talk about punching, and the lack of communication/passive aggressiveness. How were things before the pregnancy OP??
Just relax. I know hard to do and you're right to be annoyed about him not contacting you but you are probably reading too much 8nto it and you are risking making feel constantly on edge if you make a huge deal of this. Most likely he totally forgot and now feels like an idiot but is scared that if he apologises you'll give him a grilling and he wants to avoid it.
Your post make it sound like you are very much mothering him. It was fine until now but if you want him to be a good dad and partner you're going to have to start treat him as an equal who can make decisions and doesn't need a telling off when he does something wrong.
As it is it the way you treat him that could end up making him look elsewhere so relax. Tell him you were disappointed not to gear from him and move on. If it becomes a pattern over months then yes do worry.
I think maybe you are over-thinking everything because your sole focus, having gone on early mat leave, is your pregnancy and the baby and the fear of tragedy happening again.
I'm so sorry that happened, it's a terrible thing.
However it doesn't sound as if the early mat leave is doing your mental health much good.
You're over-analysing every single thing your DP says and does. Perceiving a terrible change in him over 5 days ( of course his vibe is different, he's settling into a new job!). You're analysing who he spends breaks with at work and leaping to conclusions, saying he doesn't call you any more when it's only been 5 days... It sounds awfully hard work, just relax a bit & let him settle in!
I agree he ought to have texted to see how the scan went, but I know for a fact how my DH's thinking would go. This wasn't a big deal, we expect all to be fine, no news is good news, you'd tell me if there was a problem. And to be fair you could have texted him to say all was well rather than whipping yourself up into a passive-aggressive rage & stalking his online activity on Facebook.
The fact is he's got a million things going on in his head this week and you have one. Talk to him, posting crap on fb gets you nowhere. Being so enraged that you want to punch him is a massive over-reaction to this. You got him the job, at least give him 5 minutes to settle in before you start analysing his behaviour.
for you, I know it's hard but you need to do yourself and the baby a favour and calm down.
As a new poster you won’t know, but if you post in AIBU then expect to get very forthright views.
Relationships might be a better place for general relationship issues like this - although you get forthright views there too tbh. I think some of the responses have been harsh. She’s stressed, hormonal and expecting a child with someone who’s said something worrying and upset her.
It would have been so much easier to simply sit him down when he got home and say “I know you’re busy at your new job and trying to make an effort, but I would have really appreciated it if you’d texted me after the scan to find out how it went.”
Passive-aggression gets you nowhere. It’s childish and it just irritates people. Be direct, be communicative, be straightforward. Ask for what you need.
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