Starting to care about age gap two years in..

[ashawills]

Hi. First time poster and slightly nervous but here goes...

Bit of background, I met my boyfriend two years ago, I was 23 and he was 39. Honestly, I never asked his age. He looked maybe late twenties, very early thirties so I didn't care, we drunkenly slept together and although I didn't expect it to become anything more, it did and I was very happy. My family were okay about the age difference, so were my friends (eventually) and I just switched off and stopped thinking about it.

I'm now 25 and he's just turned 41. We've been in talks about TTC, so I started thinking really seriously about our whole relationship and whether it's secure enough to start planning for children and suddenly, it became weird. I read too many mumsnet threads, and online articles and when I went home from work and he was kissing me and asking about my day I felt sick, as everything I'd read made it feel creepy.

I've had to pull away these last two days as I'm making myself uncomfortable. Reading comments about he was sleazy just looking for arm candy made me feel awful as I'd never in any way seen it like that.

Now I'm just thinking about how when I'm 55 and still fairly active (hopefully) he'll be 70 and I'd possibly have to care for him.. and suddenly I'm filled with worry that I'll let my love and passion blind me and it won't be what's best for my life, for my path.

Not asking for answers, just advice, opinions.. am I being silly and sabotaging a relationship with these thoughts, or am I opening my eyes to reality?

[uptheclydeinabananaboat]

I don't see a huge problem with the age difference.

Please don't let other people affect what you think about him. If he treats you well and you're a match then just be happy

[uptheclydeinabananaboat]

Also you could have a partner that's the same age as you who dies young, or you need to look after. An age gap doesn't necessarily mean you'll be left looking after him.

[StickThatInYourPipe]

I don't think that age difference is that bad tbh. I know people with much larger age gaps and to know them as a couple (even though technically there is a gap) you don't notice it, they are great together!

Stop reading stories about other people and concentrate on yourself!

[WhooooAmI24601]

Age gaps shouldn't define a relationship (unless it's an inappropriate sort which is a whole other issue). Is it possible that it's not so much that as the fact that you don't feel ready to do x, y and z because you're simply at a different stage of your life? 25 is still quite young to be settling down for the rest of your life.

[NaiceToMeetYou]

I was 22 when I met dp and he was almost 36 so just a little less than your age gap. We've been together now for 11 years and have 2dc aged almost 7 and 5. Honestly, it doesn't even enter my head, nor anyone else's. Stop reading other people's opinions and just be happy.

[A1aia]

The good news is he may be more responsible and psychologically ready for a baby at 41?

What's his relationship history before you? The only issue I've seen with men in their 40s who have never been married or lived with someone before, is that they can be a bit set in their own ways and used to doing things on their own terms?

Are you thinking he might propose to you soon?

[ashawills]

Thanks all. It's nice to just get a bit of reassurance. I think it's just because if 5 or so years ago someone told me I'd be in a relationship with someone 16 years older, is of laughed in their face. However, things happen and it's easy to forget about his age because it really isn't obvious. Not that he acts immaturely, but I guess he doesn't act as old as in my head I assumed a man of his age would act (probably me being stereotypical there)

I was in an abusive relationship for several years when I was 15-18 and the guy was 25. He was a drug dealer and a all over bad guy and I look back at those years and I cringe so hard, I was so clearly groomed and chosen based on my naivety and although this situation is worlds apart, it still scares me to think that someone could be trying to gain any sort of power over me again, and when I read articles about age difference 'power imbalance' came up a lot. I'd never compared our situations until reading that, and it's bought up old feelings which have made me act slightly odd around him these last few days.

[Humpsfor20yards]

Wow, age gap relationships are big tonight!

[messyjessy17]

It's not really about the age gap, some people care, some people don't. But for whatever reason, you do feel weird in the relationship right now. Creepy is a very bad way to be feeling. Don't let others sway you, but also do not ignore your own feelings.
It's ok to decide that you do not want a relationship with someone any more, for whatever reason.

[Batteriesallgone]

I think these are totally valid worries. Women tend to live longer than men and stay healthier longer, so in all probability you would end up being his carer.

Personally I wouldn’t have children with this big an age gap.

Why aren’t you talking about marriage first btw? Don’t believe in it?

[FunderAnna]

My partner - nearly 10 years older - is in his late 60s. I don't think this means that he's a fragile creature who has to be looked after.

He's fit and active and on our last holiday we climbed several mountains together.

Obviously a man who is a heavy drinker and smoker, whose favourite food is deep friend Mars Bar may be less healthy by this point.

The age difference does start to show in some respects. There's a gap between our retirement ages. He eats more slowly than I do as a few of his molars - not visible ones - have been extracted. He has a little bit of wear and tear in the cartilage of one knee which means he's a more restive sleeper than he used to be.

On the other hand I've just had a virus and he looked after me. Also I go out to work and come back to a dinner he's cooked.

But all this is a long way down the line for you.

[GrockleBocs]

Aren't they Humps?

[Urubu]

My parentd have a 15y age difference.
Happy marriage for 30+ years AFAIK. Now my DDad is 80 and it is true that 65 DM is struggling to see him "get old" - as she says. Not sure it means she regrets the marriage though.

[Ausparent]

My friend lost her husband in a car accident she she was pregnant with her first. He was 31. They only had 5 years together but she wouldn't undo the time they had together for the world.

My parents were the same age but both older. They were awesome!

Enjoy your relationship and don't worry about what anyone else thinks. Xx

[Urubu]

Re retirement, they agreed that my DM would retire at the same time as DD, even though she hadn't reached the legal age. They did set money aside for this.

[canttestright]

I think it things are making you rethink the relationship there's nothing wrong with that. If you're reading people talk about power imbalances and instead of saying 'huh, that's not how our relationship works' you're starting to recognise things that trouble you, then that's important.

As it happens, I know a few people who had relationships with much older men who were quite immature for their age so it didn't seem much of a difference- they compared well to the early-twenties men they knew, but when those men grew up and they matured themselves their older DPs stayed quite immature for their age.

Sometimes, people end up in relationships with age gaps because they meet and they click, sometimes it happens because one partner wants more power or is too immature for people their own age. Only you can decide what applies to you, but if you feel like you need more time or you aren't sure, that's valid.

My aunt lost her older husband in her early fifties, but she felt that was worth it for the years they had together. If you're not sure about that, or anything else, give yourself more time to figure it out.

[sunandmoonshine]

Am I reading this right?

You are bothered about the age gap because of what you've read on mumsnet (and similar forums,) and now you pulled away from him because it feels 'creepy?'

[Humpsfor20yards]

Nabakov walks among us?

[maeraprocyon]

Gosh. That isn't a particularly big age gap and even if it was, it shouldn't matter. People progress through their lives at different speeds and don't all reach the same stages at the same time - if you have things in common and are at a similar stage in life and wanting the same things then age is just a number.

As for having to look after him in his old age, there were 20 years between my parents so everyone assumed my Dad would be the one to go first ... my mum passed away a few years ago age 51, my Dad is still fit healthy and active age 80. There was a 21 year age gap between myself and my husband, he died in a freak accident 4 months ago but we had a wonderful relationship and I'm so glad I didn't let the age diference put me off.

[Dozer]

What was his relationship history before you?

Younger men / fathers MAY die or become ill, of course, but with an age gap that big the odds are higher. Also increases odds of male factor fertility problems, but still the woman who’d have to have treatment.

[MuseumOfCurry]

I suggest that if you find him creepy, he's not the one for you.

[canttestright]

@sunandmoonshine lots of people rethink their situations, particularly with regards to abusive relationships or even sexual assault, when they recognise their own situations in someone else's. It's quite normal to be too close to your own life to see any problems with it- it's why people are often told to think about what advise they'd give a friend in their situation.

[JayDot500]

Well, this age gap is better than others....

[ashawills]

Sorry if I worded it terribly, I don't find him as a person creepy nor have I ever found our relationship creepy. However a harmless bit of googling about age gap relationships turned into hours reading about power imbalance, grooming etc which really bought back some difficult memories from a previous relationship. This situation gave me the creeps, not him.

[sunandmoonshine]

Now I'm just thinking about how when I'm 55 and still fairly active (hopefully) he'll be 70 and I'd possibly have to care for him.. and suddenly I'm filled with worry that I'll let my love and passion blind me and it won't be what's best for my life, for my path.

If you get with a man your own age, what if HE needs care at 55-60, because he gets a bad chronic illness, or altzeimers, or cancer, or a muscle wasting illness? Not everyone gets ill or infirm over the age of 70 you know.

Maybe you'd be better not being in a relationship if you're worried about having to CARE for your life partner in 30 or 40 years time!

What a horrible way to think!

I would end it now if I were you, especially as you find it creepy being with him, (in addition to not wanting to care for him if he gets ill in 25 years.) He deserves better!