SAD or midlife crisis?

[lilathewerewolf]

Yesterday in the bath I caught myself thinking about running away and leaving everything behind to basically do a Gaugin and paint nudes on some island somewhere as I am no closer to living my dream and won't be for the foreseeable future, I can often start fantasising that way around this time of year and as I've been diagnosed with depression before I just figured it's part of the seasonal aspect to it which does tend to properly get its teeth into me around November.

Yesterday though it followed on with 'I guess it would be better to die now without having achieved anything because you leave less behind that way.' I don't know if anyone else has thought this or whether it's the depression talking, I do feel like a failure in my work and personal life and I think this is starting to push me more towards Impulsive action. I don't know, am I basically just having a midlife pity party because I haven't achieved anything or does it sound more like the depression?

Does anyone else think like this when they're overwhelmed?

[Morphene]

It certainly sounds like low mood. If it has been going on for more than a few weeks then depression is possible.

The rewriting of history is problematic...of course you have achieved things...so why does your brain think you haven't?

[lilathewerewolf]

I honestly haven't. I've been off work a while with MH problems and just thrown myself back in to an incredibly demanding job with very long hours and not coping. Before that my life was a chaotic web of drug and alcohol addiction and although I got sober I've not done anything world changing in that time. I feel like I'll never have anything fulfilling in my life as I've just managed to cock it up one year after another for the last 30 years.

[lilathewerewolf]

I don't have a husband or family so I don't have a family life either. I just sort of...exist at the moment. My close family and partner are expecting me to knuckle down to a normal life now and I do appreciate that but I've never had one before and I can't suddenly morph into the woman they want.

[stevie69]

although I got sober I've not done anything world changing

You did; you got clean In my book, that's f**king amazing. Be kind to yourself; you're on a good path now. Tread it slowly and carefully and it will lead you where you want to be.

Hugs from me to you

[ButchyRestingFace]

I don't have a husband or family so I don't have a family life either. I just sort of...exist at the moment. My close family and partner...

You’ve just referred to your family and partner?

What is that if not family life?

[lilathewerewolf]

My partner is the only person I see, mum and I can only talk on the phone we live too far away from each other.

[Morphene]

yes- its strange that people understand that if you have cancer, it isn't just surgery then on with your life...it comes with chemo/radiation follow ups ....and sometimes it recurs.

But somehow when you recover from mental health/ addiction you are supposed to magically be fully and permanently healed.

On the issue of achievements, what is it you think the rest of us have achieved that you haven't? Do you think we are all having to expand our trophy cabinets?

We've stayed a live and stuff has happened to us...and we've probably none of us got half the level of achievement required to get clean from addictions.

Live isn't a list of things we've done or goals we've achieved...its just living...here and now.

You aren't behind...because there is no behind. If I'd had your life I would almost certainly have made a far worse hash of it than you have!

Be kind to yourself.

[Morphene]

On a more practical note, I tried the return from depression by plunging straight in full tilt and it didn't work for me. The second time around I did a phased return to work and that was fantastically better.

Go for long sustainable progress as opposed to fiery bursts and burn outs.