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AIBU to go along with DS's decisions?

(49 Posts)
Purplepenguins Fri 27-Oct-17 12:23:56

DS is 6 nearly 7. His father left when he was 2. DS has seen his DF one day of nearly every weekend and a weekday evening since albeit supervised by my cousin or myself at DS insistence (DF wanted him on a non contact day and I refused so DF said next contact he wouldn't bring him home and DS got scared).
A year ago DS joined the beaver scouts and he loves it. He has been camping and activity days and so far we have juggled contact around so DS doesn't have to chose between DF and beavers. In August DF took DS away with friends (DS calls them nan and grandad) for 3 days. All ok but then DF wanted weekend contact. DS said no until last weekend when he went. Now DF want once a month weekend contact. In November, my BFF is getting married and DS is page boy, DS has remembrance parade and a trip to the firestation with beavers. (None of this disrupts the one day a weekend contact). This leaves one weekend for overnight contact which DF says he can't do. No reason given just he's busy. DS has said he wants to do the beaver things.
Weekend 1 is BFFs wedding
Weekend 2 is the remembrance parade
Weekend 3 is clear but DF is busy
Weekend 4 is the firestaion visit.
My options are.
1. Pickup on Friday and bring home late saturday weekend 2
2. Pickup on Saturday lunchtime and bring home Sunday weekend 4
Or
3. Pickup Friday and bring home Sunday weekend 3
DF has said no, he wants DS from Fri to sun but not weekend 3.
WIBU to say these are the options, take them or leave them?

(Trying not to drip feed but may have gone a bit overboard. Sorry😁)

BenLui Fri 27-Oct-17 12:27:55

Is there a reason that his Dad can’t take him to the remembrance parade and the Firestation visit?

Both these activities only take a couple of hours.

Maelstrop Fri 27-Oct-17 12:29:03

Give him the options and if he says no, tough. You aren't stopping contact. Is contact through the courts or done by you guys?

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin Fri 27-Oct-17 12:33:29

Is this court ordered contact or just on your whimsy? If it were court ordered, you dont get to pick and choose. Actaully I dont think you are setting a good example - your post reads to me like "You can see dad when I organise your social diary around it".

If you were actaully managing to co-parent rather than point score, Ex would accept Beavers and do the Remembrance parade etc.

If Ex wants 1 weekend a month contact, then he should be having a full weekend contact. if it were court ordrted contact, you woudlnt get to decide your BFFS wedding was more important than achilds contact with its father.

Stop using the child as a tool.

Allthebestnamesareused Fri 27-Oct-17 12:38:05

If the child's father lives nearby then he can ensure that Dc gets to the beaver activities if they fall on his weekend.

DelphiniumBlue Fri 27-Oct-17 12:38:34

I don't think a Remembrance parade should trump contact with your sons father. Can't he take him to that, if he really has to go? I just don't see how it could that much of a big deal to a 6 year old.
Please don't let your son bear the responsibility of making decisions about how and when he sees his father, that is something the adults need to arrange.
Do you have any idea why DF is refusing the weekend you offered, is he just being difficult or is it a real reason?
Maybe your suggestion of one night is a good way to get started on the overnight visits, particularly as DS has previous commitments, and is not in the habit of staying overnights with DF.
Would you being flexible now help make things go more smoothly in the future, or would DF use it against you? Would your flexibility be reciprocated? Because this is a long term thing, what you do now could set the tone for the future.
Does DF live far away? I'm wondering if there's a reason why he's insisting on 2 nights?

Purplepenguins Fri 27-Oct-17 12:43:09

Ben- DF lives 2 hour drive away.

No Court order, done between us.

I am not using him as a tool. I haven't stopped contact and have bent around DF and his social life, driving 104 miles to his house with DS because DF got drunk the night before because DS wants to see his DF. This time it is DS's choice to go to the beaver trips. If DS had said no then we wouldn't have a problem.
As far as my BFF wedding. DS is a page boy at his godmothers wedding which DF knew about over a year ago. DS is super excited about it too.

Purplepenguins Fri 27-Oct-17 12:44:25

Honestly delphinium I think he's being awkward.

Purplepenguins Fri 27-Oct-17 12:48:51

I have been incredibly flexible in the past. Changing Saturday for Sunday, arranging alternatives for other DSs (their dad disappeared) often causing arguments with my family for being too flexible at the other DSs expense but it has never been reciprocated.

Purplepenguins Fri 27-Oct-17 12:52:32

Remembrance parade is a big deal at the minute for DS as he went on a visit to see some veterans. He met a veteran for the DDay landing, veterans from the gulf war and all about the poopy appeal. It is a big deal to him at the minute all he talks about. Next year probably not so much so if at all 😁

FenellaMaxwellsPony Fri 27-Oct-17 12:53:41

To be honest I don't think a 6 year old has the forward thinking capacity for these kinds of decisions. A yes or no decision of the moment is all very well but a 6 year old won't be taking into account the next 3 weekends when they make that decision. If your DS wants contact then you just need to say 'first weekend of each month' or whatever and stick to it.

ReanimatedSGB Fri 27-Oct-17 12:57:10

If the DF isn't a tosser, he will understand and be flexible. The point is, DS' preferences should come first. But a man who threatens a small child with not returning him to his mother is a man who probably shouldn't be trusted and definitely shouldn't be allowed to have everything his own way.

LaGattaNera Fri 27-Oct-17 13:05:28

All of these sound totally reasonable activities for your DS to want to do and he has clearly thought about them. Not sure why DS is expected to be flexible and miss out when DF cannot be flexible. Am surprised DF is not pleased that his son wants to do such things. Remembrance Day - many kids are not the slightest bit interested and I am impressed by your DS' maturity, his respect for the veterans and his attitude. The firestation visit will be educational as well as fun.

stopfuckingshoutingatme Fri 27-Oct-17 13:06:42

why is his Fathers contact so limited OP? abuse? or legal etc

JemimaLovesHamble Fri 27-Oct-17 13:16:42

I was going to write a post about how his father should ust take him to one of his commitments, but it sounds like you have bigger problems than sorting out the diary.

Was threatening to kidnap him a one-off or does he regularly do things like that? If so, it might be worth stopping contact all together.

dunraven Fri 27-Oct-17 13:18:08

I think weekend parental contact is more important than Beavers' events. Yes, there is an element of making a commitment to the activity but your son is 6 yrs old. If you were the non-resident parent, how would you feel if your young DC did not prioritise seeing you over what is basically an extra curricular activity. A compromise would be choosing to either do the Remembrance Parade or the fire station visit. Remember what is important in life! (It won't be Beavers!)

quercuscircus Fri 27-Oct-17 13:51:48

You've missed the point I think dunraven. The DF is unreliable and has been know to scare the son by threatening to keep him away from his home and mother.

I actually think taking part in Beavers will be more beneficial to a child than an unreliable parent.

Surely the DF could drive over on the Saturday morning to come to the parade and see DS afterwards? Wouldn't most parents want to see their child taking part in activities like this?

ohtheholidays Fri 27-Oct-17 14:12:33

Go along with what your DS wants,honestly OP I used to let my ex husband make all of the plans and he was very flaky and it did my 2 oldest DS's no good and now they're 21 and 19 they have pretty much no contact with him(I remarried and my DH has been Dad to them all for over 10 years now)they could see him when they want to but they chose not to and they've told me that being made to see him when they didn't want to has had a more negative effect on they're relationship so I'd follow your own instincts.

ReanimatedSGB Fri 27-Oct-17 14:59:27

A good father will put himself out for his DC and be capable of putting their needs ahead of his own. A good father will be civil to the DC's mother no matter how nasty the breakup.
Too many men are bad fathers because they cannot cope with the idea of not being the most important person in any relationship. So arrangements are based on 'what the father wants/what the father can be arsed to do.'

This man doesn't sound like a good father; there is no court order in place so OP should politely stand her ground and prioritise DS' wishes over whatever his father wants.

BewareOfDragons Fri 27-Oct-17 15:07:04

Honestly? I would tell him he can have the 3rd weekend this month because DS has Events X, Y and Z which are really important to him, or he can wait until next month for a weekend. End of. Why should DS be the one who has to keep giving things up so he can see his dad? Let his dad rearrange his weekend this time.

Chickenagain Fri 27-Oct-17 15:13:04

This ^^

Birdsgottafly Fri 27-Oct-17 15:58:38

Who moved, you or him? If you, then you should be flexible (which you say you have been).

If the other Parent won't facilitate Clubs/hobbies then the Court does usually want a good reason for this, or contact gets arranged around the child's schedule.

The one weekend is free, that is how it is.

Purplepenguins Fri 27-Oct-17 17:51:26

why is his Fathers contact so limited OP? abuse? or legal etc
It's not limited. He sees DS one day every weekend and one evening during the week. He wants to add a whole weekend a month.
Was threatening to kidnap him a one-off or does he regularly do things like that? If so, it might be worth stopping contact all together
It was just a one off threat but he does try a control me still.
I think weekend parental contact is more important than Beavers' events. Yes, there is an element of making a commitment to the activity but your son is 6 yrs old. If you were the non-resident parent, how would you feel
I would be more flexible and try and ensure my DS could do the activities and see me.

He moved. I still live in the house we shared.

I just feel DS shouldn't have to chose between his DF and beavers when, if DF would be more flexible, he could do both. My other DSs were made to see their DF (court order) before he disappeared 10 years ago. It meant they missed out on camps etc and it caused a lot of resentment towards their DF. I want to avoid this if possible.

HornyTortoise Fri 27-Oct-17 17:56:45

Honestly? I would tell him he can have the 3rd weekend this month because DS has Events X, Y and Z which are really important to him, or he can wait until next month for a weekend. End of. Why should DS be the one who has to keep giving things up so he can see his dad? Let his dad rearrange his weekend this time.

Yup, this would be my way too tbh. Might sound harsh to some, but I don't see why DS should have to miss out because its inconvenient for dad. I would be moving heaven and earth to have contact if I didn't live with mine, I don't think its unreasonable to expect non resident parent to make a bit of effort tbh

Butterymuffin Fri 27-Oct-17 18:03:02

Is the plan that this will be the same weekend each month (for example, the 2nd weekend)? That would be best, as otherwise I can see you being in this position every month to come, trying to fit around his father's schedule.

Since this is a proposed new arrangement that hasn't started yet, I would say to him that it looks like everyone's schedule is already too full in November so you'll start the new arrangement from December.

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