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To be annoyed at the assumption we always travel to them

(69 Posts)
thiskittenbarks Fri 27-Oct-17 12:10:57

I live 2.3-3 hours away from my (and my DHs) home town, and have a 11 month old baby. I don't drive but DH drives us down often to see family and friends. We have grown a bit tired of having to go so often as baby doesn't enjoy the journey and it's all a bit stressful. We have 2 spare rooms and plenty to room for visitors, so we have been trying to encourage peo people to come here if poss. Baby is a good sleeper and doesn't keep guests awake.
I have a v close group of friends who all live in hometown. None of them have children. I had an argument with one friend in the group earlier in the year because she thought I was being difficult about meeting up and she said I had told them they all had to come to see us here (when actually I had just said we were travelling to hometown the weekend before so it would be easier for us not to have to do it 2 weekends in a row, but that we would also be happy to come down to them).
Side note: DS is nearly 1 and only half of the group have visited us once since baby arrived.
Me and the group of friends had put aside next weekend to see each other months ago, but no one had mentioned it since or said what or where. It's now emerged that there was a convo about what we would do (which I wasn't included in) and plans were made in hometown. Nothing was mentioned to me at all. I hadn't asked them to come here due to the aforementioned argument and I didn't want to be told I was demanding they come here again.
We are travelling to hometown this weekend for 3 big family events, and DS has this week decided he hates being in his car seat and cries pretty much the whole journey. I don't want him to have to do it 2 weekends in a row (nearly 3 hr journey on Sat and again going back on Sun).
Today is 1st time it is mentioned that (they thought) we were going to them. Then when I said I didn't know I was supposed to be coming down to them, and that DS hated traveling at the mo, they said that I did know because we had made plans to do thing X in hometown. I wasn't involved in the convo re that plan and have searched the group chat to make sure I didn't miss something.
London is equidistant for everyone and easy to get to, so I don't see why the assumption is that I will always go to them.
I'm also pregnant so feeling sick and shattered and have just started back at work. I feel like they really don't appreciate how difficult and tiring it is to travel down all the time with a little one. I know I have chosen to live away from hometown - but I feel like it shouldn't just be assumed that I will kart my whole family around (and the cot and all that other crap) because it suits them. AIBU?

Sirzy Fri 27-Oct-17 12:15:07

It sounds like you and your DH are the ones who moved away from the hometown? So I do think as annoying as it is then the bulk of travel will probably fall to you especially when it comes to groups. If you are the only one of the group who doesn’t live there then it really doesn’t make sense for a lot of others to do lots of traveling.

It’s a pain but it’s part of moving away but wanting to keep contact

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin Fri 27-Oct-17 12:18:24

Home town = where everyone is, a central point of commonality.
You made the conscious decision to move away, therefore the onus is on you to travel to the group.

How big is your group? Even in larger groups, there are closer couples etc. Can you and your besties (ridiculous phrase but you know what I mean) not take it in turns to travel to each other? It is difficult with children, I know, and largely your social life takes a dip unless you are involved with people in similar circumstances. Ours is only just getting back on track as the beasts are self sufficient now. We move in a group of 4 couples and we nearly always end up going from home town to seaside town as one couple have the largest and nicest house with the best pubs grin

Glumglowworm Fri 27-Oct-17 12:19:46

Unfortunately since you're the ones who moved and everyone else is still in hometown it's natural that the assumption is you'll travel.

I get that it's difficult and a pain, but it still makes sense that one family travel rather than several families travel.

Do you have friends where you live? Or is all your social life in your home town?

podiumFinish Fri 27-Oct-17 12:21:56

You moved away, you return.

Otherwise, don't but you can't complain about them doing things without you.

Shouldileavethedogs Fri 27-Oct-17 12:22:45

I went through this and I did all the traveling. One day though I woke up and said why am i doing this. Ok so my friendships fizzled out but clearly they were fair weather friends who wouldn't put themselves out for me so in the end I gave up and used my weekends making a new life for me and my little family. Now I have friends who live 5 minutes walk away. Don't waste your or your family's time. Time is one thing we can never get back. No one's time is more important than yours either. Let them go xx

thiskittenbarks Fri 27-Oct-17 12:22:56

Yes we moved away - and don't mind going down just not multiple weekends in a row. And I feel like there needs to be a convo about it - not just and automatic assumption that we will go to them. Especially as London is equidistant and easy for all to get to.
None of the others have children. They could all fit in one car.

Maelstrop Fri 27-Oct-17 12:23:12

Can you get the train back for girls' weekend and leave dh and dc at home?

cuddlymunchkin Fri 27-Oct-17 12:27:03

They didn't choose to move away - you did.

CorbynsBumFlannel Fri 27-Oct-17 12:27:32

If all family and friends are in your hometown then you visiting and doing the rounds while you are there does seem to make more sense than lots of people having to make trips to see you.
Would it be possible to get the train if your dc has taken against their car seat?

user1486915549 Fri 27-Oct-17 12:33:31

You need to stop thinking of it as your hometown.
It isn’t, you don’t live there anymore.
Make a new circle of friends locally.
Go back much less frequently to see friends in previous hometown.
It makes sense that you do the travelling , rather than everyone else having to travel to you. Sometimes you have to let go and move on.

jay55 Fri 27-Oct-17 12:34:34

Time to make new friends locally.

charlestonchaplin Fri 27-Oct-17 12:36:36

As shouldileave said, you are finding out who your friends are. I'm sure OP doesn't expect everyone to traipse down very often, just a few different groups of friends now and then.

thiskittenbarks Fri 27-Oct-17 12:37:21

Could leave baby but I don't really feel like it now I have realised they have all made plans without consulting me at all. I've just gone back to work this week and do 12 hour days - I was looking forward to seeing my baby at least a little.
Train with baby would be a possibility but pretty difficult as have to get across London and would need to bring cot for baby etc.
The plans they have made pretty much mean baby won't be able to go anyway (incredibly busy fireworks event where you are likely to get crushed and people throw fireworks).

RainbowPastel Fri 27-Oct-17 12:38:07

Suck it up. You chose to move away.

Appuskidu Fri 27-Oct-17 12:40:02

Yes we moved away - and don't mind going down just not multiple weekends in a row.

Presumably you didn't go down the previous weekend to see them though?

Just don't go. Invite them to you on the next occasion.

Walkingthedog46 Fri 27-Oct-17 12:41:34

I don't agree with the notion that as you moved away it is up to you to always visit them. Surely friendship is a two-way street. OP, I'd stop visiting so frequently and see how many of them make the effort to visit you to keep the friendship going. This will tell you all you need to know and you can then decide if it is a friendship worth keeping.

melj1213 Fri 27-Oct-17 12:41:39

You are the ones who moved away so the onus is mostly on you to travel back to see people the bulk of the time. It sucks but I moved abroad and I understood that as part of me moving away from the area where my entire family and most of my friends live it would be my responsibility to travel back to see people as it was m choice to move away.

3 hours is a long way for multiple people to have to travel just because it's convenient for you and nobody else. It might be fine as a one off or for the odd person to travel for a weekend but if it's a big group meetup then it's going to be organised in the most convenient location for the largest number of people.

Have you ever actually organised something and invited everyone to stay for the weekend? When I lived abroad my friends would never organise something local to me, as it was inconvenient to everyone else and would rely on me being OK with being the local co-ordinator ... but if I invited people out to us and said people could crash on our floor/spare room if they couldn't afford a hotel/hostel (and we were in Madrid so always easy and cheap flights and accommodation available) then they were more likely to visit as I was already the one organizing things and I had the local knowledge.

Also is there actually things to do where you are or are you in the middle of nowhere? When I lived in Madrid I often had people come to visit and there was loads of stuff to do - we could go for dinner, out clubbing, museums, galleries there was great public transport etc - so people visited a lot. We spent one year living in the mountains in the north of Spain and pretty much nobody visited because it was such a ballache to actually get from the airport to our tiny village (a 90 min drive or 3 hours on buses through windy country mountain roads) and once you were there you could drink in the tiny village bar and eat in the village restaurant or drive to the nearest town 30km away to do anything else (which meant we couldn't go and get drunk because someone had to drive or taxis were v expensive). We had a couple of people come for a weekend but for that year more than any other we mostly saw people when we came back to the UK for Christmas/Easter/couple of weeks in summer.

CandleLit Fri 27-Oct-17 12:42:06

Invite them to yours and don't jokd any bad feelings if one or none accept the invitation - it's give and take, sometimes invitations and plans don't go ahead.

CandleLit Fri 27-Oct-17 12:42:30


CorbynsBumFlannel Fri 27-Oct-17 12:43:51

Who do you stay with when visiting? I’d keep a travel cot there if possible.

ReanimatedSGB Fri 27-Oct-17 12:46:09

Make new friends and keep your visits for family events. Honestly. You're outgrowing your hometown friends and the 'friendship' will gradually get more and more strained. You are the only one with DC and the only one who has moved out of the hometown - your life is going in a different direction. It's fine to let friendships fade away when you have less and less in common: trying to keep them going just because you've known these people for a long time is actually pointless and stressful. Your friends are already demonstrating that they are not prepared to make any effort on your behalf (maybe they are jealous that they are still stuck in whatever provincial six-fingered backwater you all grew up in... thlgrin

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin Fri 27-Oct-17 12:46:13

Well, kitten really you can’t expect anyone to tailor their life to be child friendly when they themselves don’t have any. So people do the child friendly stuff now and again, but in reality, they aren’t not going to go to a firework display because you have a baby – and FWIW – our local display is heaving with prams and pushchairs – these are choices we make in life. Until your friends catch up with the place in life that you are at, there will be an element of drift. Your friendships will pick up again as they all have children. Then comes the age disparity, when you have a 14yo and are ready to go out to more adult things and everyone else has babies and primary children to contend with.

This is how life pans out.

In your shoes I would put it out there that you are willing to host one weekend a month, you are willing to travel one weekend a month. Happy medium. But in reality no one wants a 3 hours slog each way when you can go to the pub down the road with out that added petrol/train/time expenses.

TinklyLittleLaugh Fri 27-Oct-17 12:46:30

Wow, some of the attitudes on here about moving away are quite an eye opener. People move for all sorts of reasons; jobs, because their partner is from somewhere else or simply for a better quality of life. The "suck it up" comments are horrible.

Sadly my own family never make much of an effort to see us and are constantly moaning that we don't go to them. Their loss really.

NameChangeFamousFolk Fri 27-Oct-17 12:47:43

Sorry, OP. I get where you're coming from to an extent but YAB a bit U.

Other people have their lives, and preferences and hassles and so on as well. There could be all kinds of factors that you don't know about.

Moving a decent distance away means that some friendships don't survive in the same way. It doesn't make them crap friendships, just ones that have perhaps found their natural tapering point.

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