Best friend and new boyfriend(6 Posts)
Don’t want to drip feed so I’ll try to include all detail. Have NCed of course as suspect someone involved may be on here.
My best friend of ten years is the nicest, most genuine and sweetest guy I know. He’s also, by most people’s standards, a bit of an oddball and very introverted. But I and most other people love him for it. He has high functioning autism and has never been in a relationship. We are now 30. Recently he has become a bit depressed about the relationship issue. Other than a few fumbles and snogs at uni, he hasn’t really had anything physical and even emotional to speak of and understandably he was getting lonely.
I and other friends have been trying to help recently. I took him on his first long haul holiday to the US and got him chatting to randoms. Others have taken him to various events to get him used to social stuff. He has also been having counselling.
I was so so pleased when he told me a few weeks ago that he’d met (and snogged) someone (35 and similar interests) at an event for a hobby he has and that they were going on a date. Interestingly, on that first date my friend got so absolutely shitface drunk that his date ended up taking him to a&o on the advice of an off duty nurse... they were there for about 6 hours then went home and had sex. I find this absolutely bizarre but haven’t judged on this specifically. I saw him the next day and I was convinced the date wouldn’t be back for more given what had happened so was running damage control...
But he was back. They were “in a relationship” by the next day. Neither of them has had a relationship before. The new boyfriend had some major weight issues which he has overcome only recently via surgery and so he’s in a-similar boat to my friend.
Now for the AIBU and WWYD. I met the guy for the first time a couple of weeks ago. He is without doubt the most affected, OTT, snobbish person I have ever met. I found him overwhelming. He also “made friends” with some women on the table next to us and chatted to them about strap ons and the like for a while which I just found rude (and a bit revolting as they were strangers but that’s maybe just my hangup). I’d expected him to want to get to know me as I’m his boyfriends best mate...
Flash forward to last weekend. We went for another friend’s 30th birthday dinner at a naice restaurant and my friend brought the new boyfriend. Cue a majorly awkward night. Not only was he the same OTT, affected, snobby and loud persona (kept banging on about his amex platinum card and how he only flies business etc). I know it’s his personality and I have to deal with it but he made the entire night awkward by bringing money into it.
When we got there he ordered some insanely expensive wine but announced he was paying for it. Fair enough. He then turned to me and quietly said “so I assume you and I are splitting the bill tonight given that I’m in a hedge fund and you’re a lawyer”. I was gobsmacked. I earn well but I’m not rich and I’m certainly not paying for 8 people’s dinner!! The assumption was astounding. Awkwardly I just said “no... we usually pay for what we have and split wine etc). He looked a bit put out but said ok. I felt real cheap, but ffs everyone there has a job!! Nobody is on the poverty line and needs me to pay for them!! At the end of dinner he tried to insist on paying for everyone. It was quite uncomfortable as the bill was huge. I intervened and agreed that he could pay for the extortionate wine as he’d ordered it but we split the food bill as expected.
I now feel awkward about the whole thing and honestly I just don’t like the guy. I don’t want to spend time with him and I dread the fact that he will now be around so much. DH keeps joking that the wedding will be soon given the speed of their relationship... I feel like I’m going to lose my best friend because I can’t stand his boyfriend...
I know I have to suck it up for his sake but would you say anything? Was I unreasonable to feel awkward at the dinner? Any advice from people in similar situations?
I can't see what is so bad about him. Ok it is crass to talk about strap ons and money but he also appears generous and to care about your friend.
So keep your mouth shut as your friend is an adult who can make his own choice of partner.
You don't like him therefore that is clouding every thing he does. If it was a bloke you liked you might have still had the same conversation about each paying for their own but let him pay for the expensive wine but be thinking what a nice bloke. He wanted to pay etc.
I think you are feeling like he is taking your friend from you and however much you want your friend to have a relationship there is a bit of a pang when that friend does find someone and you take a back seat.
I think you are going to have to grin and bear it.
Either he will split up from the guy at some point but again I would suggest not bad mouthing him to your friend.
Or they may stay together in which case he is going to be on the scene for a while and you'll end up having to decide whether you want to still be as friendly with your friend or not.
Try looking for his good points next time you go out. (Maybe start with he was being generous in offering to pay for the meal). For what its worth hedge fund managers are usually well off and so many people assume that all lawyers will be. He might be surprised to learn what you actually earned (not that I am saying to tell him).
He sounds like a bit of a tosser
He does sound a bit of a tosser (though that may be your bias painting him so) but you have to grin and bear it for your friend's sake. Maybe he'll tone it down a bit now that he knows he's the only one flinging cash around. Better that than being tight and spending your friend's money - as this is your friend's first relationship & he's autistic he might be more naive / enthusiastic / blind to partner's faults and need someone to provide a more balanced view if asked (and I say that as someone who is autistic and has in the past been naive, enthusiastic and blind in every relationship and who could have done with someone to say "they're treating you like crap")
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