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AIBU?

Sex and new relationship

58 replies

thedarkprincess · 27/10/2017 06:24

I’ve been with my new boyfriend for nearly two months. It’s my first relationship after my marriage ended several years ago and he’s really lovely and special.

However we haven’t had sex yet. We’ve slept together and done other things and so there’s no doubt we fancy each other - but no actual sex. He doesn’t seem in a rush and says we can take our time and o agree with that, but there’s still a part of me that thinks at the start of a relationship we should be at it like rabbits?
But then the last time I was at the start of a relationship I was 21 and now I’m 44.
We both work long hours and he’s got children who he sees a couple of nights a week. So we see each other once a week.
Is it normal to wait like this?

OP posts:

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zebedebe · 27/10/2017 06:30

It does sound a bit unusual. Maybe low sex drive / erectile issues / low confidence about ability? Or maybe just views sex as something v special and meaningful. Have you asked him how long he’s waited in previous relationships?

sailorcherries · 27/10/2017 06:40

If you only see each other once a week and haven't been together that long is he maybe trying to be respectful and not rush you, particularly since this is your first post-marriage relationship?

There may not be any issues regarding his ability to perform, given the other sexual contact.

You might need to let him know that you're ready.

Charolais · 27/10/2017 06:56

Don’t ask him about his other sexual relationships! It is very normal and healthy to wait when we are no longer teenagers.

BoobleMcB · 27/10/2017 06:57

What's stopping you initiating it?

You say you've done other things which has a massive scope of possibilities and slept together, why could you not have initiated sex if you want it?

Vitalogy · 27/10/2017 07:01

Sorry to be crude and feel free not to answer but is he getting and keeping his erection?

User462892925 · 27/10/2017 07:37

I would say it's unusual. May be worried about being able to perform. Perhaps he has had problems in this area before.

Hellywelly10 · 27/10/2017 07:43

Was he hard when doing other stuff?if so he has amazing self control and is a tanitric sex god.

demirose87 · 27/10/2017 08:04

Is he interested in anything sexual at all and initiate anything? I agree with others on here who have asked about the erection thing too. He might be avoiding it out of embarrassment. You need to ask him about it.

thedarkprincess · 27/10/2017 09:08

He certainly gets and keeps erections and imitates what we are doing. Though there have been a couple of nights when neither of us have and we’ve just cuddled - both tired due to work stuff.
He is a bit old fashioned and has said before that sex is special - so guess I’m just not special enough for him

Don’t want yo break it off though as he’s lovely and it’s feels like we have been together for years. Like a proper marriage instead of my rubbish one.

OP posts:

sailorcherries · 27/10/2017 09:14

I think saying "I'm not special enough for him" is quite passive aggressive.

If a woman wanted to wait until she was sure no one would bat an eyelid. When a man does it he must not care about the woman?

Perhaps he sees sex as the next step in a relationship and prefers to wait.

You need to ask him, we can't guess.

MatildaTheCat · 27/10/2017 09:16

If he thinks sex is special and hasn’t initiated it yet then, in the absence of sexual dysfunction,I’m guessing he thinks you are very special. Worth waiting for.

If you are ready, when the moment is right, say so. Maybe you won’t be like your 21 year old self, but once yo get started I’m pretty sure there will be quite a few repeat performances. In an age when we see so much on here about men who only want to meet women for sex, it’s very possible you’ve caught a genuinely nice man.

Cherish that idea.

AdalindSchade · 27/10/2017 09:17

You sleep together and are physically intimate but no penis in vagina sex?
That's not saving something special, because by sleeping together and being sexually intimate you've already done the sex part. There isn't some magic thing that happens when the penis goes in the vagina that is more special than other forms of intimacy. I suggest he may have performance anxiety tbh

rumginger · 27/10/2017 09:18

I don't know OP. I think there's nothing wrong with being a gentleman and not expecting sex too soon, but then that begs the question of why get in the bed in the first place? Maybe he needs to have a conversation about how you feel, or maybe he thinks you're not ready?

letsdolunch321 · 27/10/2017 09:20

Awww sounds a keeper.

I understand sex is very important but if you are doing other intimate things this will lead to sex.

By sounds of it he has a lot of his plate with work and seeing his kids.

How long have you been seeing one another?

sailorcherries · 27/10/2017 09:41

Sleeping in the same bed may not be seen as special as sex, nor does other sexual acts.

I didn't mind sleeping beside my boyfriend for the first time, however I was constantly worrying about sex. They aren't on the same level.

Darlingsof · 27/10/2017 09:52

You could take control of the situation and initiate the sex next time and take the lead... that would give you an answer...

SmileSunshine · 27/10/2017 09:59

I think he knows you are just out of a long term relationship /marriage and isn't rushing you and is trying to be respectful until you are ready. If you're worried talk to him.

thedarkprincess · 27/10/2017 10:30

We have spoken and there is an assumption that it will happen but isn’t something he’s stressed about. However I can’t help but compare it to when I first met my exh.

He’s very cuddly and affectionate and we’re in touch as often as work allows - we also live a fair distance away from each other hence the only once a week meeting up. We’ve been together about 6 weeks.

OP posts:

Addictedtohavingbabies · 27/10/2017 10:45

If your sex drives are very different you may be incompatible. You need to definitely find all this out while its in the early stages.

peachgreen · 27/10/2017 10:58

I don't think six weeks is a particularly long time to wait prior to having sex. But this is your relationship and if you want things to move faster physically, you need to talk to him.

Laiste · 27/10/2017 11:03

Right ok, so you've physically met up 6 or 7 times?

7 dates and played about in bed but no sex.

How many times have you been to bed with him?

Laiste · 27/10/2017 11:06

I think i me and DH met up about 5 times, lots of deep kissing from 2nd date and then had sex in the car decided it was time to book a room for date 6

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AdalindSchade · 27/10/2017 11:07

I don't think you are sexually compatible

Frouby · 27/10/2017 11:12

Hmmmm. Part of me wants to think he is lovely.

Part of me thinks he is married still. And sees piv sex as cheating. But not the other stuff.

Are you as sure as sure can be he isn't married? Sorry. I know that sounds shit but some people do justify no piv sex as not cheating to themselves.

Whenwillitgeteasier · 27/10/2017 11:22

I'm in a new relationship and I'm 44, been seeing each other three weeks and we are indeed like rabbits! I'd be wanting to sleep with him tbh to find out of you are compatible. Prior to this chap I was dating someone for a few months and the sex wasn't that frequent and it was driving me nuts. Meeting my new chap was like someone turning a lightbulb on and i read like 'yes! This is what it's supposed to be like'

I think I'm falling in love too... Sigh

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