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To think I could 'wing' it when I was younger, but the shit-storm has arrived and it turns out I'm shite and just want to hide away and drink gin.

(98 Posts)
HarrietKettleWasHere Thu 26-Oct-17 21:09:06

I'm going to put this in bullet form. It's easier. This is a moan. I'd like to find positives if I possibly can through power of thought not at bottom of gin glass.

DISCLAIMER: many of these problems are 'first world'. It will probably come across as a self pitying rant. Sorry. Am frustrated and would like to vent...

. I am 31. Nearly 32. I would dearly love to have a baby, get married, have a house (two up two down in a shite area is ok- am in no position to be fussy. Up until a month ago I rented a poky but bohemian shabby flat in a lovely area of London that'd had been my home for five years. Because my partner and I would like all the above stuff and I am fairly time-conscious with regards to my reproductive system, we have moved to Essex and in with his Dad to save money for a deposit, hopefully, though of course no gaurentee on that as we would literally have to save at least £30,000 to get a mortgage (on a two bed in zone 5) and fuck only knows how long that's going to take. Both our jobs are frustratingly 'london' jobs or i'd suggest getting the fuck out of here so we can crack on, even though I love it.

. Our letting agent who was always a total bellend is withholding £650 of our £1500 deposit for the repaintin of a shit paint job anyway on a tiny wall and changing two lightbulbs that never worked. He's refusing to use the deposit protection argument process so we'll have to do small claims. Yes we will win but what a ball ache.

.My lovely grandma died two weeks ago and I still can't think of her without wanting to sob, it was sudden and I loved her and she always stood up for me when my mum was horrible, which was often, and filled the praise/compliment/encouragement gaps that I lacked from my parents. I'm speaking at her funeral next week and I want to do it but am terrified, and my mother will obviously be there and we've been NC for months because, she is fucking horrible. And even at my grandma's funeral, she will probably try and make me feel horrible.

. I got a new job for a lot more money than I was on before in a fairly accessible location from where I now live but I'm rubbish at it. I try and try but for every thing I do really well I seem to get about three things horribly wrong, and I get told off, and it makes me feel shit, and I feel bad they are paying me so much.

.I successfully recovered from anorexia at 24 and I never thought it would darken my door again (despite what they tell you but I was cocky) but now I'm thinking being thin is the only thing I've ever been good at sad

.My Dad frequently texts about his latest property/holiday/investment/car/extension and yes I KNOW he shouldn't have to give us anything and I'd never ever ask but he sees us struggling to afford even a fraction of what he has. And yes he was in our position once but was able to pay a tiny deposit for a family house on an average wage and he got to start a family. I would never ask but he has funded both my brother's football season tickets for the last decade and I haven't had a penny because I 'don't like football'.

Christ. I apologise for sounding so bloody self indulgent. I just remember the easy breezy twenties and the reckless abandon and thinking shit would never get real...

HarrietKettleWasHere Thu 26-Oct-17 21:22:16

😭 gin it is

hesterton Thu 26-Oct-17 21:24:36

Ask your dad for help... why not? He sounds to be in a position to help you.

percey Thu 26-Oct-17 21:25:07

yes, the baby boomers screwed the millennials over.

TheSnowFairy Thu 26-Oct-17 21:25:39

Here you go gin

So you don't run out wink

DancesWithOtters Thu 26-Oct-17 21:27:04

I always remember you Harriet, with your foxies and eloping thread.

Being a grown up is shite sometimes. I'm in the SE too and although we have bought a little tiny house we will never not be struggling.

Are you no longer nannying?

RefuseTheLies Thu 26-Oct-17 21:27:48

flowers Sorry about your grandma

HarrietKettleWasHere Thu 26-Oct-17 21:35:06

I miss my bird, fox and squirrel friends... I didn't even have my own garden in my old flat and still had all that!

Here there is a garden but you're lucky if you get a visit from next door's to shite in it.

The gym is quite good..,not as snooty in the classes like the old one was... the TK max in Romford had lots of Korean beauty stuff... that was good clutches at straws

Im sort of still nannying. I do nannying (and the kid is really great) for a 7 year old, but I'm the patent's PA as well, while he's at school, they own properties which I'm supposed to look after, there are not enough hours in the day for all they need doing, and I thought I was up to the challenge but I don't think I am.

DancesWithOtters Thu 26-Oct-17 21:40:11

Is it just a case of it taking a while to learn the ropes in a new job, if you haven't been doing it long?

It sounds like you've had a lot of change and loss in your life recently, which is always really unsettling and sometimes you feel like you're losing your identity a bit, so you go back to something that, even if it's negative, you know. You do it with ED, I do the same with alcohol.

Sounds like you need to be kind to yourself for a bit, you've had lots of upheaval.

If it was a friend of yours writing this post how would you advise them? That's usually a good way of realising you need to be kind to yourself. flowers

NoSquirrels Thu 26-Oct-17 21:42:48

I'm so sorry about your gran. flowersflowers I miss mine too, and she's been gone much longer, and my DM is wonderful, so I have no excuse. Love is a great thing, and you'll do her proud at the funeral.

junebirthdaygirl Thu 26-Oct-17 21:48:34

You write really well so lm sure your way with words together with your sincere feelings will make your eulogy for your grandma lovely. Try to take a day at a time as you have a lot on.
Someday your day may leave you a fine inheritance!! Meanwhile leave him off.

mrwalkensir Thu 26-Oct-17 21:49:30

ooph - not surprised that you're stressed. Very little to feel in control of. And two parents who aren't. No useful suggestions (apart from telling you what you know - your parent aren't a positive in your life). Only thought was could you get a nannying job nearer where you are in Essex for now? Sounds like your employers are taking the mickey a bit.

HarrietKettleWasHere Thu 26-Oct-17 22:57:26

Aw thanks everyone, I know it's a choppy time, I need to get it all in perspective really...

otters, I remember you and your lovely interest in 'my' foxes too smile it perked me up to see your comment.

And cheers junebirthdaygirl. I hope I can. At the very least eloquent and not a sobbing wreck, even if I don't say anything profound. Fingers crossed!

RhiWrites Thu 26-Oct-17 23:01:31

New jobs are always tricky. I bet you knew how to do the old job upside down and back to front. It takes time to learn your way into a post. Are they really telling you off? Or just explaining what's best practice?

MaggieFS Thu 26-Oct-17 23:07:47

I read the tribute at my Dad’s funeral in May. Hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I’m so glad I did it for him and to make him proud. Now I think about the turmoil I felt then and use it to make me feel stronger. Good luck x

HarrietKettleWasHere Thu 26-Oct-17 23:14:46

The mum is fine but the dad has an incredibly high powered job (to be fair so does she but she is amazing at switching off when she gets home) and everything needs to be perfect. So for example, as it's half term and I'm with my charge 8-6, we went swimming, had lunch, did school project stuff, played basketball outside, I did a few admin emails while he read a book for a bit, we ran some errands together, put on/put away some washing, then played Lego Star Wars for a bit, huge grocery order came which I unpacked, then I had to drop him to a restaurant with his dad (mum away on business) then I went to show people around a flat they're hoping to let out. I got 'home' at 8:30pm. I feel like I worked bloody hard. Got a message on the way home from the Dad saying the dishwasher hasn't been put on and the side board not cleaned/polished, and I didn't take out the recycling... he's just quite particular but I work so hard and get pulled up on the smaller stuff (they have a cleaner for 12 hours a week)

Ahhh sorry for ranting. I just want to get one thing right...poor DP is tearing his remaining hair out.. I'm a mess at the moment sad

MayFayner Thu 26-Oct-17 23:15:55

Oh harriet. I'm so sorry about your grandma.

You job will be ok, jobs do get harder as you progress, that's the way of it. Give yourself time. It's 6 weeks to stop feeling freaked out and 6 months to master it.

Have you anyone to talk to about the ED stuff?

MayFayner Thu 26-Oct-17 23:19:48

Umm, ok I've just read your update and I take back what I said about the job. Not that it will be ok, it will. But that's a lot on your plate.

How much property management are you expected to do? Also it's not great that the dad couldn't wait until tomorrow to mention things that weren't done.

HarrietKettleWasHere Thu 26-Oct-17 23:34:42

Oh not so much usually but it just happens that two sets of tenants served their notice so I'm finding more which obviously takes time... I hope it'll be ok.

And you're right. It will take time and gin. I'm most upset about my grandma. I've never felt anything like it, I've been a proper wreck over it.

NameChangeFamousFolk Thu 26-Oct-17 23:35:12

I'm thinking being thin is the only thing I've ever been good at

Careful with that thought though, OP.

littlepeas Thu 26-Oct-17 23:42:47

I agree with others that you have a lovely way with words smile. I spoke at my dad's funeral - in a funny way knowing I had to speak gave me the strength to get through the whole thing, and the comments I received afterwards bolstered me up too - I hope you find the same. I am very glad I did it, although it felt hard at the time.

MayFayner Thu 26-Oct-17 23:48:06

I hope things look better in the morning. Take care of yourself, and not toooo much gin

Not that I can talk wine smile

uokhunni Thu 26-Oct-17 23:52:45

First off - my sincere sympathies about your Gran.

Oh here we go, and bringing in another TAAT to this - let's all blame the boomers in their ivory houses. Let's look at another perspective:

(Disclaimer - I'm 45 so middling between boomers and millennials)

In 1995 I on a low salary bought a shared ownership property for 39.5k (I was 50/50) to make ends meet I worked 50 -60 hours a week a combo of a full time bank clerk job and working in a bar. My best friend got pregnant and got awarded a new brand new house with all accompanying benefits to pay for that lifestyle. Some days, I would be so skint it was a case of whether I paid for beans on toast for myself or feed my 2 cats (always fed the cats) I didn't drive etc. I couldn't decorate but my friend's bigger house looked like a palace.

Time went by and despite many relationships, an abusive marriage etc didn't have kids. I did, however invest myself into a business that didn't need any of my formal qualifications just ideas and creativity. (Online - nothing porno)

Now married for the second time, in a great house with great holidays Several times a year I feel I really fucking earned it, plus I didn't have kids and use up tax credits etc so cheers. Your dad probably feels the same way.

Sorry if I come across harsh but I'm really fed up of this "I'm fed up of these older people being better off than me" attitude because

A- I may be 45 but feel 22
B- I had it fucking hard! The cats lived to ripe old ages of 19 and 20 btw.

My friend? Still in her HA house but her daughter reaching 18 and the bedroom tax got her out to work. She's now thriving at work 3 years later.

I don't mean any harm by this post but arrrrrrrgh.

annandale Thu 26-Oct-17 23:54:45

Sounds overwhelming. I'm up late because struggling to sleep having made some mistakes at work so I feel your pain. So sorry for your loss flowers and I wonder if some bereavement counselling would help, especially with the thin thoughts hovering. Try your GP - the NHS is still there.

Having said that - it's half term - you're presumably doing much, much more childcare than you otherwise would. it will feel a little easier next week. You sound like a great nanny, prioritising actual childcare doing things that are good for the child, plus a good PA getting the property business work done, rather than housework, which given that they have a cleaner 12 hours a week....?

No harm at all in jotting down a list for each day with the stuff they seem to want, but also no harm perhaps in pointing it out to them if the list becomes absolutely impossible.

Can you get the child to help you with more of the housework?

How long is that £30,000 going to take? Don't let pride stop you asking your Dad whether he would potentially consider helping you out in a direct financial way - or does he actually like having you living there on a long-term basis?? Is that a proposition, could you buy into his house maybe?

PerspicaciaTick Fri 27-Oct-17 00:16:28

I would push back a little at your employer. You've done 2.5 hours overtime today and they still think you should be doing more, I think you need to be clear with your boundaries - surely he can flick the switch on the dishwasher if it is all loaded and ready to go (personally I'd be embarrassed to even mention it to you if I were him) and they have a cleaner to clean the sideboard. It sounds like he has get a bit carried away in his expectations.

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