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Who is being unreasonable, us or FIL

(8 Posts)
Sashkin Thu 26-Oct-17 19:43:28

Just checking it’s not us. DFIL talks a good talk about wanting to see DS (first grandchild, seven months old), but doesn’t make any effort to meet up. Not sure how much effort we should be making if he can’t be bothered. Bit long, don’t want to dripfeed.

In terms of background, MIL passed away a few years ago. SIL moved home to nurse her, and has stayed on as she has mental health problems and cannot work. FIL is perfectly healthy, and still works.

We arranged to see SIL in a choir performance (outdoors, so baby-friendly). Asked FIL if he’d be there, and he said no there was no need for him to come if we were going to support her. DH has suggested meeting FIL and SIL for lunch during the week, and FIL has said no to that as well. He suggested we see SIL without him instead “to get her out of the house” (SIL has more of a social life than we do post-baby, and does not need encouraging to leave the house).

We’d arranged lunch last Sunday, and DH phoned up to work out the details. SIL had other plans, so it was just going to be us and FIL. FIL asked if we could drive him to Town A, which is 30-40mins drive away from him, and over an hour away from us. We said we’d rather not drive (DS screams in the car seat at the minute, and sixty minutes of screaming each way is not fair on him), but we’d get on the train to him, or he could get on the train to us. He said no, he only wants to see us if we can drive him to Town A. He can drive but sold his car. He gets the train which goes through our station every day for work, so is quite capable of coming to us.

We left it that we don’t want to drive anywhere, but will meet him anywhere on public transport if he wants to see us. He’s now moaning to SIL that he hasn’t seen DS for three months. Most of me thinks that he could see him any time he wanted to if he made the effort, but part of me thinks we should do more to facilitate a relationship as DS is growing up fast.

DH is annoyed with him because FIL has form for this sort of thing when MIL was dying - went on multiple month-long business trips and thought that asking DH to run around after SIL and MIL on his behalf made that ok.

MissConductUS Thu 26-Oct-17 19:46:09

Why does FIL want to meet in town A if it's not convenient for either of you?

Santawontbelong Thu 26-Oct-17 19:46:14

Let him moan.
Job done!!

Maelstrop Thu 26-Oct-17 19:47:44

Have you asked him if he actually wants to see you/ds?

Sashkin Thu 26-Oct-17 19:50:54

Town A: there’s a restaurant he likes there, and he can’t get there unless we drive him. Basically he only wanted to see us if we took him to this restaurant, seeing DS wasn’t enough of a reason to meet up on its own.

Sashkin Thu 26-Oct-17 19:55:43

And yes we have asked, he moans to DH that he never sees DS all the time. But when we come to firm up plans, he does a bait and switch and tells us to meet SIL instead

She’s quite capable of making her own plans with us, but he thinks that because she has MH problems he needs us to babysit her for him. It’s infantilising for her, and annoying for DH.

MissConductUS Thu 26-Oct-17 20:07:41

Town A: there’s a restaurant he likes there,

I almost asked if it was so that he could eat at a favorite pub or restaurant. grin

He's a user of others. Seeing your DS is really not important to him, except in how it can be leveraged to his benefit otherwise. Do not bend over backward for him or allow yourself to be further manipulated by him.

Aquamarine1029 Thu 26-Oct-17 20:11:06

I think you should stop all of this nonsense with him. If he wants to see you or his grandchild, he knows where you live and how to use a phone. He's perfectly capable of arranging his own affairs.

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