To speak to son's school about a video he made in class on his phone

[ginexplorer]

So the background is - I have a year 8 son at grammar school.
Last years end of year report was mixed with some excellent feedback and some with feedback like "he needs to stop messing about and distracting others in class" and "extremely able but could push himself a lot more". That kind of stuff.

So we have had conversations etc to stop the larking around (he loves the school and his friends in particular), and he promised he would make more effort this year. I tried to put it down to 1st year settling in and going through changes early.

I spoke to his maths teacher recently as I know he was really underachieving there - to see if he was struggling and there was more help /support needed. (Maths has always been his major strength). She said he still messed about a bit but not on her "radar" for concern. (Clearly the teachers are monitoring).

Also had a chat ref homework around 4 weeks in and nudged his tutor to have a word as he was basically letting it pile up. I saw an immediate improvement so assumed this was a good thing and had nipped it a problem in the bud.

However, I checked his phone recently and found that in maths he had been recording under the desk in secret another boy - it wasn't mean (the other boy knew and was in on it) but it was clearly messing about and in complete defiance of the rules about no mobile phones in class or break/lunch.

He is obviously thinks he is too clever to get caught, although clearly not clever enough to delete it. I think he was wrong to do this as clearly not paying any attention to the lesson and after all our chats I feel I've done enough to help him /support him. My thought was to tell the school to make them aware but not to let him know I'd told them. (Clearly he'd hate me for this) and maybe counter productive.

My husband disagrees I should tell the school and says his card would be marked and it would ruin his academic career.

Even if I don't contact school I still think he needs a consequence - end of day he got caught and needs consequences!

Am I being unreasonable ? If not school - then what other better alternatives you think may help? Do you have any similar experiences ?

[PotteringAlong]

Surely the consequence here is that you take his phone off him and he doesn't get it until after school each day?

[PerfumeIsAMessage]

Take his phone off him before he gets suspended?

That is really bad behaviour, verges on bullying and you should be throwing the book at him. Your husband needs to understand the severity of what he's done. It won't be the first time, and the videos probably don't stay on his phone.

[confusedlittleone]

I agree with @PotteringAlong and If he really needs a phone while in school get him on the of cheap ones that don't have a camera or internet

[Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar]

Does he still take his phone to school every day??

[PerfumeIsAMessage]

Also, passing the buck to the school and expecting them to deal with it is pretty shoddy.

[SoupDragon]

I would buy him a cheap phone to replace the one he can't be trusted with.

[bigbluebus]

Take his phone off him and buy him a bog standard old fashioned phone with a PAYG Sim for texting and phoning only. Tell him he doesn't get his other phone back until you see a massive improvement in his school work.

[WhataHexIgotinto]

Why buy him another phone, cheap or not? A phone is a privilege.

Deal with this yourself OP, it's not up to the school.

[youarenotkiddingme]

I agree with talking phone.

If he needs one for use during school
Day (i know some children travel a distance) then a cheap PAYG with yours and DH contact details is the way to go.

I maybe imagining it but I'm sure you can set sims up to only allow them to contact certain numbers? So he won't be able to use it for mates etc.

[Glumglowworm]

Surely the consequence should be you taking his phone off him? Since he clearly can't be trusted with it

By all means inform the school, but you're the parent here and you're the one who's discovered it, you really should be taking the lead

[Orangealien]

Punish him yourself
Your dh is right
You can make the difference, not school. They don't have enough time and energy to deal with every single thing, particularly when it could be dealt with by you
Plus videoing in lessons could open a big can of worms

[crazyoldfish]

I agree with other posters. I would also caution that at my school this would be a very serious matter - think possible exclusion, particularly if there was any suggestion that the video had been posted on social media which it probably has been. I would not expect parents to report it to us, but once they had we would have to deal with it with all the formal sanctions etc. Better for your son (and probably more effective) for you to stop him taking his phone to school until he can be trusted.

[2014newme]

So he doesn't have his phone till he can be trusted surely

[EduCated]

Surely his card is already 'marked', whatever that means? And his messing around will affect his academic career will have a much greater impact on his academic career than a telling off.

[Wolfiefan]

So you'd rather report him to the school than deal with it yourself?
Phone gone.
Until he stops arsing about in lessons and starts getting HW done.
And why was your response to him letting HW pile up to contact the teacher? He does it at home. You make sure he does it.

[pinkyredrose]

ruin his academic career ! is your DH always a pompous twat who thinks rules don't apply? Wonder where the kid gets it from.

I'd tell the school, they need to know so they can monitor him more more closely.

[DelphiniumBlue]

Take the phone off him, he's demonstrated he can't be trusted with it.

He doesn't need a phone unless he's got a long and difficult journey which he undertakes alone.

[OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow]

At our secondary school, that would result in an exclusion.
But school doesn't know, and you do. You deal with it, no nonsense, mean business, dealing with it. He is so far not taking on your warnings.

[MovingOnUpMovingOnOut]

Academic career? He can't be more than 13

You need to discipline him and remove the smart phone. He can have a dumb phone for emergencies and keeping in contact.

[LadyLoveYourWhat]

As others said, you should sort it at home and make sure homework is getting done too. Both our kids (at different schools) have planners that they write their homework down in and we have to sign weekly, so you should know what he has to do and whether he's done it. I think you need to step up!

[Chinnychinnychinnychib]

Just take his phone.

[NerrSnerr]

I agree with the others. Take his phone off him. If for whatever reason you feel a phone is necessary at school then buy him a basic model for £30 that he can only text and call with.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

What does your DH think that you should do?

Is he washing his hands of this?
Does he think that DS should get away with it?

it sounds to me like he is part of the problem.

[PumpkinSquash]

I wouldn't bother telling the school. It'd only serve to get him into trouble.
If my young teen pulled that trick, it'd be me and DH who'd deal with it by confiscating his phone and say the only one he's allowed to take with him from now on until he starts behaving is an old brick that only texts and calls.

[ginexplorer]

Im really grateful for all your responses. You are all right - I should be dealing with this myself - I just needed the confidence to stand up. I am often undermined by DH who tells me Im a nag and to stop giving him a hard time. His behaviour has been quite disrespectful to me and then I don't get the back up at home when I try and stand my ground and I've become ground down by it all. I feel so undermined at the moment and I just needed some support. I was also looking to whether school should also know aswell too monitor him.

I am taking his phone away - job done. He needs to learn. Thanks everyone.

He does travel by bus to school and comes back late from clubs but I could get a cheap model for that.