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to be worried about when I no longer see my (divorce) solicitor?

(20 Posts)
WHATISTHISNIGHTMARE Thu 26-Oct-17 17:21:15

In the middle of a divorce which H at first tried to ignore and which he is making difficult.

I think my solicitor is great - I am now worrying about when I will no longer have contact with her - as if she is some kind of surrogate mother figure I suppose.

Anyone ever stayed in touch with their solicitor?

Is that an odd thing to be wondering about confused?

PotteringAlong Thu 26-Oct-17 17:22:37

Yes, it is odd...hmm

WHATISTHISNIGHTMARE Thu 26-Oct-17 17:23:54

Well thanks pottering grin.

ChasedByBees Thu 26-Oct-17 17:24:22

I don't think it's odd. You are receiving support, guidance and a sense of someone looking out for your interests. I can imagine that the thought of not having that could be a little scary. However, by the time you stop using her, you'll no longer need her and you'll be fine.

Papafran Thu 26-Oct-17 17:27:20

I understand. I used to be a divorce solicitor and sometimes if you have nobody else to unburden on, your solicitor can come to seem like a rock or an anchor in an uncertain situation.
However, this is not a good thing necessarily. You need to try to find some other outlet for your emotions. Your solicitor is not a trained counsellor and is simply there to assist with the legal aspects. Plus she is likely to be significantly more expensive than a counsellor and once you can see the wood for the trees, you may regret leaning on her quite as much because of the cost.
You can certainly send christmas cards and things like that, but generally solicitors don't stay 'friends' with their ex-clients in divorce cases. However, you could maybe refer work to her in the future if you have friends who are getting divorced and drop her a line when you do. I enjoyed hearing from former clients but would not have chosen to go for a drink with them IYSWIM.
Have you thought about getting some counselling? It will help having another outlet where you can talk about your emotions.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Thu 26-Oct-17 17:31:05

Probably you have kind of bonded at a horrible time, so not psychologically ridiculous. Maybe do the card thing, then join something like MeetUp to expand your social group. Life does get better, and you may well find yourself less anxious about it as life improves.

Copperkettles Thu 26-Oct-17 17:32:38

Definitely look into getting counselling. It sounds like you'd benefit from some support. Nothing wrong with that.

appella Thu 26-Oct-17 17:33:55

Definitely look for counselling - both to work through the divorce and possibly discuss the attachment you formed with your solicitor too. I had a lot of similar experiences like this in the past and therapy has really helped me with it.

WHATISTHISNIGHTMARE Thu 26-Oct-17 17:41:14

Thanks for the understanding.

I am seeing a counsellor and yes he is mind blowingly cheaper. Still sometimes things spill over and I tell the solicitor. They normally relate to things H is saying / not saying / doing / not doing so they are not irrelevant.

Plus she is understanding, measured, kind and clever. And legally speaking she has my back and has given me a voice.

I had a lot of similar experiences like this in the past and therapy has really helped me with it. - what kind of attachments appella? I am interested in this because I find myself wanting the solicitor to think well of me, going over the things I said to her and just not wanting her to think badly basically. confused

user1492877024 Thu 26-Oct-17 17:44:28


WOW. Apologies for being so judgemental, but, does that really happen?, I mean, clients send you Xmas cards etc. Do they really get so emotionally attached? That actually sounds a little creepy, IMO.

RedHelenB Thu 26-Oct-17 17:47:03

I had 2 free half hour sessions when I divorced. Both gave me pretty much the same initial advice but I went for the one that got to the nitty gritry not listening to my woes worked out much cheaper and I had nothing to pay. (still had legal aid in those days)

WHATISTHISNIGHTMARE Thu 26-Oct-17 17:53:08

It must be a strange job in a way - it's a technical knowledge based profession, dealing with intensely personal matters and at a time when people's emotions are heightened and they feel vulnerable.

Plus, IMO, as much as the law tries to be black and white about stuff, in reality people's relationships are all shades if grey.

WHATISTHISNIGHTMARE Thu 26-Oct-17 17:54:14

of grey

Do some family solicitors get burn out Papafran?

Papafran Thu 26-Oct-17 18:03:22

User, sometimes. Not all of them obviously, but sometimes I would get a nice card or they might drop me an email if they were referring a friend. Bear in mind though that sometimes I had worked closely with them on a case for 2-3 years (if it went to court and then to a final hearing or if it was a long-running children matter). I didn't encourage the staying in touch thing but I had no issue if they wanted to send me a card and it's good for business if they remember you and send you more work.

WHATISTHIS they most certainly do! Or I did anyway. I did find family law particularly draining and even if you try to be impartial and unemotional, some aspects of it do get to you. It's interesting because in some other stressful jobs, you have to have mandatory counselling at certain intervals and there is a system in place to ensure that you are able to deal with the emotional aspects of the work. There isn't really that in law and maybe in some areas like family law, there should be.

WHATISTHISNIGHTMARE Thu 26-Oct-17 18:13:03

in some areas like family law, there should be - yes I agree. And things like my divorce are just the tip of the iceberg - like nothing compared to how harrowing some of the cases involving children must be.

Papafran Thu 26-Oct-17 18:23:33

Yes, some of the children cases can give you nightmares. Especially public care proceedings where you often have to read long reports of neglect and abuse and you know that whatever the outcome, life is going to be pretty shit for the child involved. Some people are great at dealing with it though and don't let it get to them.

appella Fri 27-Oct-17 08:29:42

It's been with all sorts of people, most recent example I can think was a psychiatrist I was seeing privately. Similarly became quite dependant/pushed the boundaries of the professional relationship (emailing out of hours etc) but he would respond as if we were pals and it was fine so it was slightly more complex. I'm actually diagnosed with EUPD - read up about it you might feel you associate with some of the traits (absolutely not diagnosing you!! TheRes a lot more to it), but reading some literature about DBT techniques relating to relationships and interpersonal effectiveness might help you out xxx

Runningissimple Fri 27-Oct-17 08:39:05

I think it's understandable to overly attach to your solicitor because you're very vulnerable and their job is to fight your corner. You can also disclose huge amounts of very personal information to them in the process of a divorce. I told my solicitor stuff I never tell anyone because I needed her to be in full possession of the facts of the relationship (messy litigious divorce spanning over 2 years).

It is important that you recognise this attachment for what it is though and just move on. I think it would be a bit ethically dubious to base a friendship on this relationship and would eventually be weird for both of you. Best to leave it as a good professional partnership which is what it actually is.

crimsonlake Fri 27-Oct-17 08:54:51

Probably unhelpful, but hate to imagine the size of your bill from the solicitor. Really you need to be off loading to friends and family and stick to the legalities with your solicitor. Good luck for the future.

stinky81 Fri 27-Oct-17 18:20:27

I think it's understandable. You're probably feeling quite vulnerable atm and you know she has your corner, and you're depending on her to get you through all the legal stuff. I do agree with the suggestion that you find a therapist to help you with the emotional side of things, though. Far cheaper and that nature of the relationship is clearer. I do think, though, that by the time you're no longer seeing her you'll be feeling a lot stronger and probably won't miss her as much as you're worried you might at the moment. flowers for you, it does sound like a difficult time.

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