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Fairness or favouritism..?

(112 Posts)
wasabipeas Thu 26-Oct-17 13:44:09

3 siblings, A, B and C

B and C have completed their families, A and DP have been TTC for 5+ years.
After several rounds of self-funded IVF and tests, A, B and C's parents offered to pay for more IVF

A accepts the offer and parents give them a fairly large amount of cash for more IVF, which is successful and they now have a baby.

C finds out that parents funded this and is cross that they haven't been offered an equivalent amount of money for their family. C has approached B and wants them to jointly speak to parents and ask for the same cash amount that was given to A.

B is refusing, saying that A is now just on a level footing to them in having a family, and will tell parents they don't owe B or C anything if C persists

C argues that A had holidays etc in while TTC and that money should have been put towards IVF and parents wouldn't have had to pay, and if parents gave them money, they could take their own DCs on holidays and give them opportunities.


worraMoaner Thu 26-Oct-17 13:47:17

Unreasonable of C to approach the parents.

Unreasonable of the parents to give money unfairly spread between siblings.

Unreasonable of A to accept having had holidays.

B is the only right one.

Beamur Thu 26-Oct-17 13:52:09

C should mind their own business.
Up to parents how they spend their money, sad that C thinks they're entitled to a 'share'
Good on B for seeing this situation isn't really about money.

Lethaldrizzle Thu 26-Oct-17 13:54:30

Ain't nobodies business but the parents. C sounds mean and embittered

BeardofZeus Thu 26-Oct-17 13:54:56

B is absolutely in the right.

yorkshapudding Thu 26-Oct-17 13:55:00

C sounds extraordinarily grabby and entitled. If I was B I would be making it explicitly clear to C that I had no intention of confronting DP's to demand money and that C was absolutely not to do so on my behalf.

I could understand the bad feeling if DP's had gifted A a large sum of money 'just because' and not done the same for Both and C. But since they gave A that money because there was a specific medical need (infertility), not as a gift, it has nothing to do with favouritism. Presumably if B or C had found themselves needing IVF then DP's would have done the same for them.

Spam88 Thu 26-Oct-17 14:00:43

Disgraceful behaviour on C’s part.

booloobalooloo Thu 26-Oct-17 14:03:48

Difficult one. My DN has some additional needs and has needed operations in the past and will need more in the future and has to have lots of appointments in London. This costs alot of money in travel etc. My DPs pay an allowance into his bank account for this. They do not do this more any of their other DGC. As one of the siblings with a DC with no current issues it sometimes feels a bit unfair, they claim benefits for his disability so these should be used for this, but I have no idea whether they anywhere near cover what he needs. Because I have never asked. Because it is non of my business.
So I see both sides. I understand that it could feel unfair. But I also would NEVER say anything!

wasabipeas Thu 26-Oct-17 14:06:36

I'm married to A... He doesn't know about the argument between B&C
B's wife let slip to me what's been going on and I'm so angry!

Obviously 4 and 5 years ago, we had no idea that we would need to spend every last penny we had on IVF, so holding holidays we had back then against us feels like a really low blow (especially with everyone back then saying 'oh make the the most of your child-free holidays now, you'll miss them in a few years!')

The parents have been very generous to all 3 over the years - they all got a deposit for their first house, all their children have savings accounts, there is a family holiday paid for by the parents every few years.
C sees this as breaking from that tradition, I think

Obviously we would have given anything and everything to have been able to conceive as easily and painlessly as they could, and therefore not need to accept the money and not a single penny of it was spent on anything other than medical bills but I don't really know how to get C to see this, rather than the idea that we've had a windfall

UrsulaPandress Thu 26-Oct-17 14:10:29

Congratulations on your baby.

C sounds bitter.

B sounds lovely.

jay55 Thu 26-Oct-17 14:10:31

Sounds like if B or C had a specific need the parents would offer. So C is being unreasonable.

Musereader Thu 26-Oct-17 14:12:55

Different children have different help at different times, “to each according to their needs and from each according to their abilities”

My brother had help with a divorce, siter with a car, me moving and childcare, another brother is still at home.

If C thinks about it, there probably has been or will be a time when they rely on their parents in some way similarly to A now.

And the holidays is a red herring because they didnt know they needed ivf when they had them

Shoxfordian Thu 26-Oct-17 14:13:57

C is unreasonable

Kaytey Thu 26-Oct-17 14:14:08

C is an appalling person - what if the parents cannot afford to give B and C the same amount of money - should they have never offered the money to A with the end result being that A's child does not exist?

Five years plus of TTC and constant disappointment from failed IVF, it's no wonder they needed a holiday once in a while.

BenLui Thu 26-Oct-17 14:15:19

Do a quick calculation of how much the grandparents have spent in birthdays, Christmas, Christenings, days out, perhaps report card money etc etc etc over the years for the other two siblings.

They are just as unreasonable for being annoyed about the IVF money as you would be to be annoyed about what the parents happily spent on their grandchildren.

Apart from which it really isn’t their business what their parents spend their money on.

Kaytey Thu 26-Oct-17 14:15:46

Ooh sorry, x post.
Congrats on your baby!

Ttbb Thu 26-Oct-17 14:18:30

I think that is fair. Don't forget that A has already spent a lot of money TTC so it's more of an evening of the playing field than an advantage. If one of my husband's siblings was struggling to conceive and their parents paid for sone of the IVF I would never even think that we somehow missed out (after all we already have two children), if anything I would've offering to give money to pay if we had any spare.

BarbarianMum Thu 26-Oct-17 14:20:22

I can totally understand A having holidays (and likely nights out, an meals in restaurants etc) whilst trying to conceive. Struggling with infertility for five years is miserable and stressful. The idea that you have to give up on anything that might be construed as frivalous or fun for that period (of unknown duration and uncertain outcomes) and dedicate yourself to getting pregnant is pretty inhumane. B should tell C to do one. angry

WaxOnFeckOff Thu 26-Oct-17 14:21:34

Oh dear god! sad

So, my DS1 wears glasses and has since he was 6. WE've had to pay regularly to have his glasses thinned as his prescription is really strong. So, given that we've given money to him for a medical issue, we should have given DS2 a corresponding amount of money even though he doesn't wear glasses?

Utter madness. Congratualtions on your baby OP. Maybe C would like to have had some of your pain on not being able to conceive? How much is that worth to him.


BarbarianMum Thu 26-Oct-17 14:21:53

X posts. Congratulations.

london123987 Thu 26-Oct-17 14:23:07

I’ve been in this situation, I’m one of three daughters and my mum paid for IVF for my sister. I am 100% behind my mothers decision and in fact my husband and I discussed paying for a round if the first one didn’t work, although thankfully it did. How horrid of C and of course she is being unreasonable and grabby, not to mention the fact that’s it’s her parents money and none of her business.

It shows a huge lack of compassion from C. It’s not like you wanted to have to go through years of sadness and failed attempts to reach this point. How nasty.

DarkBlueEyes Thu 26-Oct-17 14:23:38

Massive congratulations to you. B sounds brilliant. C stands for... childish, churlish, catty, and something rather rude. Grabby hideous behaviour.

disappearingninepatch Thu 26-Oct-17 14:24:00

Oh, I missed that, too. Congratulations on your baby. Of course YWNBU to go on holidays just in case you might need IVF. YWNBU to accept the money. Your ILs WNBU to offer it.

Bet I know what C stands for. wink

DunkMeInTomatoSoup Thu 26-Oct-17 14:25:29

Difficult. Children like to be seen to be treated fairly. Not doing for one but doing for another, brings out the sibling rivalry. I'd even it up in the will:

A had had eg £10K up front for IVF, therefore the first £20K of my estate would be equally divided between B & C, the remainder equally divided between A, B and C.

I do think IVF is irrelevent, it's an emotional issue, replace IVF with car, house deposit or business loan. Then you see the inequality of treating one but not the others.

SarahH12 Thu 26-Oct-17 14:28:40

C is grossly UR! B sounds like they've got their head screwed on!

My Dsis has a DS and if DP and I can successfully have DC without the need for medical intervention it wouldn't phase me in the slightest if they gave my DBro money for IVF if needed.

At the end of the day your in laws are helping you with a specific medical need. There's no way you could have known and planned for this in advance! Let's face it, most of us enjoy or have enjoyed holidays without worrying about possible IVF in the future unless you have a specific reason to feel you will need it.

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