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WIBU to go no contact with DB?

(10 Posts)
Flokidoki Thu 26-Oct-17 11:42:36

I'm currently wrestling with what is the best thing to do for him and whether stepping away completely would be the best thing I could do rather than being there to support him.

Background:

DB started a relationship with a long term friend just over two years ago.
Within two months they were living together, engaged within four and expecting a child within six.

Everything was fine until their engagement party where we met her family. They branded us snobs, have decided we don't like them despite us never being anything but kind and welcoming to his GF.

They have been evicted from two homes and are now living with my grandparents. They have thousands of pounds of debt and myself and DSis have felt compelled to keep cleaning up after them as they have been leaving dirty nappies, used sanitary pads, and general filth around my grandparents house.

We have also been listening to my brother for nearly their entire relationship about how unhappy he is, how he doesn't want to live like this etc but whenever he says he's left her, doesn't love her etc within 24 hours they're back together. It's exhausting.

The GF is now taking the approach that we've never liked her, we are unsupportive, lying on a council house application as she doesn't want to live with our family 'because she doesn't want us to see what is going on'.

However, my DB is also at fault here. Won't work or stick at a job, constabtl flapping from one idea to another, expecting us all to bank roll these ideas or bail them out because they've spent all their money on the things he needs for these ideas instead of paying the bills.

On top of these her family and some
if their friends have instigated violent racist bullying of my Dnephew during his first term at school. There is a vendetta for some reason but we have stayed out of their way and still it comes.

Yesterday I told him he needs to grow up, stop expecting us all to bail him out with money/cleaning/childcare etc and that if he wants to stay with his GF that's fine but he needs to realise we can't have a relationship with her because she doesn't like us and doesn't want us around.

My mum is distraught that I've taken this approach as we lost our youngest sister and doesn't want there to be this kind of upset in the family and that we need to support him.

However, I can't see things changing. He's talked about this for two years now and nothing has changed other than us all receiving more and more vitriol from the GF and her family.

I think the best thing to do is leave him to it and protect my own family but am I being cruel to do so?

MissConductUS Thu 26-Oct-17 11:47:22

I think you should stop enabling his juvenile behavior and let him cope on his own for a while.

Does he have marketable job skills?

MissionItsPossible Thu 26-Oct-17 11:51:07

If every poster here told you you would BVU to do that, would you still want to/would you do it? That's your answer.

Flokidoki Thu 26-Oct-17 11:58:23

He has very marketable specialist job skills for a very lucrative sector.

mission that's a really interesting question. I actually think we need to leave him to it. It's just hard when you love someone and there's already a gaping hole in my life where DSis is missing. However, ultimately I want him to be happy and whether that means I'm not part of his life I'd rather that than continue this cycle.

I should have added I have no opinion on his relationship and have consistently told him that it's none of my business if he wants to stay with her. I don't actually think the relationship is the main problem - it's that he won't get his shit together because he knows we do it for him.

Ausparent Thu 26-Oct-17 12:03:28

There is a great essay here by joshua Fields Milburn about relationships which bring you pain
www.theminimalists.com/relationships/

He also says: You can't change the people around you but you can change the people around you.

If this relationship is stressing you out, take a step back. It doesn't need to be dramatic.

After my father died, things got very complicated between my siblings. One of my brothers is lovely but financially useless and he, his girlfriend and child seemed quite reliant on handouts from my mum. The others got very angry and there were loads of rows whereas I just quietly stepped away. He has largely sorted himself out now and we have a good relationship but his relationship with some of our siblings has been really damaged.

Staying involved is only going to bring things to a head and things may be said which can't be unsaid.

MissionItsPossible Thu 26-Oct-17 12:03:52

Flokidoki My own personal opinion is you should cut him out your life. But it's easy for me to read that and have that opinion. I don't have a bad relationship with my family, I love my sisters and brother, love my parents, love my nieces and nephews, don't have any horrible aunts or uncles or cousins so it's often sad when I read stuff like this on here. So while I say I would cut him out my life, if I was in your situation, could I cut one of my sisters or my brother out of my life if they acted like your brother? I'm not sure. (Sorry that actually hasn't answered anything really) confused

Aquamarine1029 Thu 26-Oct-17 12:06:51

Cut the cord. Enabling him is doing him no favours.

Flokidoki Thu 26-Oct-17 12:08:08

mission I hear you completely - I don't want to have him absent from my life at all. However as ausparent said right now this is causing me pain. And a lot of conflict; I want to protect him (I'm the oldest) because I couldn't protect our youngest sister. I am genuinely interested in people's perspectives on this.

I see a nearly thirty year old who needs to get his life sorted but I also see one who's saying he wants us all to do it for him. And that's impossible.

mustbemad17 Thu 26-Oct-17 12:41:10

Aaaah sounds familiar! I spent years bailing my (older) brother out of shit. When I had my daughter he could never understand why I refused to continue...apparently running a house with a small person isn't as hard as running a flat, well, on your own.

Best thing I did was tell him to grow the f**k up & stop acting like an overprivelleged brat. Boy did it feel good to do it too 😂 Couple of years down the line he actually has straightened up a little!!

End of the day you have to prioritise your own little family unit. His GF sounds like a spoiled bitch who needs to stop the attitude that the world owes her everything. Foot down methinks!

Flokidoki Thu 26-Oct-17 17:34:40

Thank you all - it's good to hear these perspectives!

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