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To be dreading funeral?

(14 Posts)
ParadiseCity Thu 26-Oct-17 11:27:50

I have a funeral to go to and I feel so so sad. I don't want the person to have died, I don't want to celebrate their life, I just want them to be alive. I don't give a shit that they were a ripe old age or had a good innings ffs. DH and DC doing my head in trying to help me feel better. Arrgghh.

Rebeccaslicker Thu 26-Oct-17 11:33:40

Urgh, you poor thing. It's shit - and yes, even if they are 90, they are still too young for those who love them.

Hopefully it will surprise you by having some bits that make you smile. My DM's funeral (she was only 50 so it was unexpected) was one of the worst things I've had to go to, but there were silver linings to it (my baby nephew thinking the people were there to see him; the kids she'd taught for years lining the street like it was a royal funeral, that sort of thing) that made me glad afterwards.

And if there's nothing like that, there may be booze, right?! Booze and swearing. Guaranteed to improve it by a percentage point or two.

Hope you're ok.

MatildaTheCat Thu 26-Oct-17 11:44:57

It’s absolutely fine to cry and feel upset at a funeral. It’s one of the purposes of the ritual of death and bereavement. Of course your rational self is glad of a long life well lived and glad of the love tou gave and received. But it’s still sad, shit and miserable.

So go, weep and say goodbye. As others have said, some funerals do become lovely occasions where you meet people you’ve not seen in years and everyone remembers their stories of the person.

I hope it goes as well as possible.

TalkinBoutWhat Thu 26-Oct-17 11:48:07

It's shit, isn't it. I hate when people try to 'speed up' the mourning process. It's ok to rage at death, to feel utterly pissed off that someone was taken from you, to feel sadness that they are not with you. Why do people think you should head straight to feeling glad you knew them and move on from the negative emotions?

BalloonDinosaur Thu 26-Oct-17 11:48:18

I’m sorry for your loss and I do understand to some extent. I remember my overwhelming feeling on the morning of my dad’s funeral was that I didn’t want to go. And I felt guilty for feeling like that.

At the end of the day, you can’t help how you feel. Do anything you can to help you deal with your feelings, and certainly don’t beat yourself up about it.

I hope it goes as well as possible

MissionItsPossible Thu 26-Oct-17 11:58:15


thegreenheartofmanyroundabouts Thu 26-Oct-17 12:05:03

Sometimes our culture wants to forget that it is right and good to grieve. Funerals are now celebrations of life and can leave no room for the reality of loss and sadness. My husband came back from one absolutely livid that everyone was busy being upbeat and forgetting that he was upset about the death of his much loved grandma.

So go. If it is an all singing and dancing and ignore the sadness type of event then find some time to go and light a candle in a church or write a letter to you loved one about how much you miss them. Or get out on your own shout into the wind that this is painful. Whatever works at the time.

Normal grief takes around two years to work through. At the end of that time the pain isn't like crashing waves leaving you breathless. It is still there but life sort of expands around it. It doesn't go away after a week.

Sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself.

Ellendegeneres Thu 26-Oct-17 12:09:43

Sorry for your loss. I felt like this at my sisters funeral. They kept dropping jokes and I sat bawling my eyes out (quietly) as it was such a shock. We'd had such plans. When we left, my sperm donor made a snarky remark that I should pull myself together, it was supposed to be a celebration. Snarled at him in front of the hundreds who'd turned up to pay respects that I wasn't going to celebrate my sisters death because I'm not a sick fuck like him.
And boy was he loving it. Father of the deceased. Barely bloody knew her, didn't raise her. Tosser.
Sorry, turned into a bit of a rant blush

averylongtimeago Thu 26-Oct-17 12:29:35

I know how you feel, so sorry for your lossflowers
But however much you hate funerals, they are an important part of grieving. Go, have a good cry. Say goodbye. Talk to people about the person you have lost. Cry with them.
Trust me it helps. It might not feel like it, but it does.

ohtheholidays Thu 26-Oct-17 12:29:48

I felt the same when I lost my Mum 3 years ago and then again when I lost my Dad a few months ago.

Thankfully for small mercys I'm the youngest and everyone in our family and friends new how close me and my parents were so when I lost it at each funeral(think really sobbing,at my Dad's begging my DH not to make me go through this again)did anyone judge me did they fuck ,even the arsehole so called brother and his adult children didn't dare say a word.

I'm not going to lie to you it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to face and I had to do it twice and even now just writing about it is making me cry.

I know if I hadn't gone to my Mum's or my Dad's funerals I'd still be beating myself up over it now and along with the grief I'd have tons of self given guilt to deal with and I know I wouldn't have coped with that.

Please go easy on yourself,I think the majority of us are crap at self care even more so when you have DC but that's what you need to do right now,so start putting yourself first for a while and with your family I'd just take your DH to one side when the DC are asleep and tell him what you need from him,if you don't feel like you can talk to him about it right now write him a letter and tell him what you need and what you don't need.

I am so sorry for your loss Paradise flowers

BikeRunSki Thu 26-Oct-17 12:35:18

I’m right there with you Paradise. I felt exactly the same about a funeral I went to last week. I cried and sniffed all the way through. But going to the funeral did make me feel better. Not straightaway - at the time I felt worse - but it’s given me some closure. Still raging that she died though.

ParadiseCity Thu 26-Oct-17 23:03:18

Thank you all so much, it has really helped me to know other people understand although I am sad that you have experience of it. Sorry to everyone for your losses. Especially @ohtheholidays and for provoking more tears flowers

ohtheholidays Thu 26-Oct-17 23:45:42

Sorry Paradise I hope you find what ever love,undestanding and support you need to help you at such a sad time flowers

ReanimatedSGB Thu 26-Oct-17 23:53:49

Most of the time, going to the funeral does help. (Unfortunately not always - funerals occasionally bring out the raging arsehole in people). A good funeral service makes people cry and laugh, and can be very comforting.
Best wishes OP. Hope it goes smoothly.

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