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To not want to go out in the evening of dd's 1st birthday

(31 Posts)
LittleLionMansMummy Thu 26-Oct-17 10:01:45

With dh's hobby friendship circle. It's their Christmas get together and partners are invited for drinks for a 7.30pm start. They didn't canvass for dates, just said it's on x day for those who can make it.

I'm not keen on socialising with people I either don't know at all or have only met once at the best of times, but would do it for dh's sake as other partners are going. However, it's dd's first birthday and we'd need a babysitter. I know she'll be in bed by 7/7.30pm anyway, but I'd sort of envisaged just chilling out in the evening, reminiscing about the past year, putting her to bed calmly etc. not frantically running around trying to get ready (after a busy day - family are all coming over) and leaving her (and our ds) with a babysitter. I know she won't know anything about it and won't remember her first birthday, but I fully acknowledge this is more about me. I did suggest to dh that he should go out anyway on his own, but understandably he'd like me to go too. He also feels similarly that he'd like a full day with dd and family, without additional pressure, and would have preferred a different day if they'd asked. But I can tell he's torn as he does like these people and wants to be sociable. He also doesn't go out with friends very often. I'm not sure if I'm being selfish and should just go, or whether there's a compromise.

PandorasXbox Thu 26-Oct-17 10:06:05

I get where you’re coming from. How well do you know them? I guess if he goes alone you’re going to be sat at home reminiscing on your own..

Maelstrop Thu 26-Oct-17 10:08:29

Can he go alone?

2ndSopranos Thu 26-Oct-17 10:10:26

I get you completely. I think the first birthday in particular is actually about the parents. And as sexist as it is, the mother. Because on that day one year ago you went through something completely life changing.

Let him go alone.

LittleLionMansMummy Thu 26-Oct-17 10:11:33

I have met a couple of them once, so don't know them well at all. No you're right, I wouldn't be able to reminisce as well on my own, but I would be able to have a calm, quiet evening after a pretty full on day and not rush the kids' bath and bedtime which I enjoy doing.

loveinanelevator Thu 26-Oct-17 10:11:58

The last 2 years dh xmas work party has fallen on dds bday, I declined going for this reason.
I think no matter what the age of your child it’s nice to be home.

Butterymuffin Thu 26-Oct-17 10:12:36

He goes for the start, you put her to bed without having to rush and go along later.

Justanothernameonthepage Thu 26-Oct-17 10:13:54

Could you change the date of DDs party? That way you can do both without rushing?

LittleLionMansMummy Thu 26-Oct-17 10:15:33

Dd's birthday is a Saturday this year so it makes sense to do the party on her birthday. I guess going along later could be an option.

Increasinglymiddleaged Thu 26-Oct-17 10:20:33

Hahaha yanbu at all. Bloody socialising grin

Oly5 Thu 26-Oct-17 10:25:55

I think you’re being ridiculous! This is more about you not wanting to socialise than about your child’s birthday.. they will be in bed asleep!
I’d do this for my partner.. partners are important too

RatRolyPoly Thu 26-Oct-17 10:32:41

God, it's only Christmas drinks, it's not the party of the century! There are a million reason to go for drinks with your hobby-mates, this won't be the only one.

I'd feel the same as you and I think certain dates are an opportunity to reflect on the year gone by or "how far we've come" yada yada, and basically once a kid's yelped at their balloon and stuffed themselves full of cake that's the best bit of a child's birthday if you ask me. In my house dp would be staying home with me and we'd be scrolling through 5000 photos on his phone and I'd be wiping away a tear over how "our baby's all grown up". I wouldn't make him obviously, he'd just know I was right!

LittleLionMansMummy Thu 26-Oct-17 10:33:09

If it was any other day Oly I'd do it. I'm not a recluse!

WeatherDependent Thu 26-Oct-17 10:35:59

I’m always up for a works do however a child’s birthday is a no no for me.

Ours are older now but when they were younger the party would continue after they went to bed. Even if it was just me and DH we’d sit down, have a drink, chill and reminisce about how our lives have changed.

Sugarpiehoneyeye Thu 26-Oct-17 10:54:00

I'm afraid I agree with @Oly5, your partner would like you to go, and you'll probably have a nice time together, if you do. Your child will be in bed, hopefully worn out, after a fab birthday. Try and get yourself in the right mindset, get your glad rags on, and join him.😄

Oly5 Thu 26-Oct-17 11:04:07

Why can’t you reminisce over breakfast the next morning? Sorry, I still think this is quite bonkers... your child will have no clue but this is obviously important to your partner

messyjessy17 Thu 26-Oct-17 11:04:58

You don't want to go and the birthday is a convenient excuse. Just say no if you won't go, the birthday thing is unreasonable.

Lethaldrizzle Thu 26-Oct-17 11:08:29

I agree you should go and celebrate your first year with a glass of bubbly. As for socialising with people you don't know very much how will you ever get to know them if you don't socialise with them . You are at the beginning of a life with this man is it really too much to go out for a couple of Christmas drinks with him. But ultimately if it's really stressing you out don't go!

Rachie1973 Thu 26-Oct-17 11:09:20

Will you be having a roaring log fire and mood lighting for reminiscing? All the photos out on the table?

Sorry, but seems picture book planned, and is likely to be far from what you imagine. We do the 'do you remember when' ALL the time. We don't pick specific times for it.

The do seems important to your partner, and to be fair you should think about each other as well as your kids.

ScarletSienna Thu 26-Oct-17 11:11:54

I don’t see why his want to go should trump your want not to. He can go and you stay.

SeaCabbage Thu 26-Oct-17 11:25:40

could you move your daughter's celebration to a little earlier in the day so that there isn't a rush. Then be ultra organised beforehand so that you know for instance exactly what you are going to wear, have washed your hair in the morning etc.

It might be nice to go out and celebrate, the two of you smile, at the do I mean.

Also, would any of yoru family help with bath time etc to enable you to get ready? How tight would it be? Can you leave together a little later?

Oly5 Thu 26-Oct-17 11:43:46

Because Scarlet, his desire to go to some xmas drinks with his wife and friends is reasonable... her strong desire to stay in because she wants to supposedly wants to teflect on her child’s first year isn’t. But it seems she just doesn’t want to go! I agree, how are you supposed to get to know them better if you don’t go?

LittleLionMansMummy Thu 26-Oct-17 11:58:24

We're not exactly at the start of our relationship, we've been together 15 years and also have a 7yo ds! We do things together, as a couple, a lot - be that staying in with some music and a glass of wine or going out for a meal or drinks, alone or with friends. I totally get that partners are important too - I haven't said they're not. I give a lot of my time and consideration to everyone in my family, including my dh. I've said that any other day I'd do it for him - but to be totally honest (silly me for admitting it!) I don't know them and don't enjoy these situations, but I'd do it for him on any other day.

Anyway thanks to those who have suggested some good compromises. I think we'll either go out and meet them later, together, or he can go out and I'll join them later. It's the getting ready quickly after a full day and wanting not to rush my time with dd that's the biggest issue here.

Her0utdoors Thu 26-Oct-17 12:11:58

I'm guessing the birth of Oly5's offspring was a walk in the park, with no emotional impact what so ever? I'm with you OP, birthdays are a big deal for many (all?) mothers and it's a time to give yourself the opportunity to nurture and reflect .

MissionItsPossible Thu 26-Oct-17 12:19:50

I think you should go but also if you didn't you would not be BU.

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