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AIBU?

To give up on my Mum friends?

133 replies

silenceisadistantmemory · 26/10/2017 08:34

I’ve got in with a group of about ten women. All have babies roughly the same age. All good, been great to have during the past year.

However, the suggestions of where to meet have switched to always being in a particular place- which would take me an hour and a half and two bus changes to get to. They all drive and I don’t- can’t afford lessons or a car so this is not an option. Meeting these friends would probably be the only time I’d use said car anyway.

I have a very active toddler who will not tolerate that journey on public transport.

Time to give up? It’s depressing.

OP posts:

Report

mustbemad17 · 26/10/2017 08:36

That seems really selfish of them tbh! If they drive & you don't I would expect that to factor into where you meet. I meet a few friends about once a month & we always check in first so that everyone has a lift if they don't drive, nobody is doing more than thirty minutes travel etc. Seems very selfish of them & tbh if that were me I would probably have sacked it off way before now! X

Kintan · 26/10/2017 08:37

Have you let them know how hard it is for you to get there? And do o you know why they want to meet at this particular place - does it have great child friendly features and if so is there somewhere closer that you can suggest that is similar? Seems a shame to give up on the group if this is the only issue.

Birdsgottafly · 26/10/2017 08:37

Can you get to one of their houses to get a lift?

If they wouldn't do that, then you aren't really friends and I would let the friendships end.

silenceisadistantmemory · 26/10/2017 08:41

Don’t want you to be the diva who insists that the entire group bows to get wishes.

I even tried to organise a couple of things. One, nobody came though it was last minute and the other, one person wanted to change the location to the one that I can’t get to (it’s a part of town) so I gave up.

OP posts:

silenceisadistantmemory · 26/10/2017 08:42

Have name changed, for obvious reasons.

OP posts:

tellitlikeitispls · 26/10/2017 08:43

I understand it must be hard for you. I also understand though that sometimes the best places to meet are only accessible by car. Also they might not be offering because you would need a car seat if they were going to give you a lift. Obviously they aren't going to have a spare one. Could you ask any of them if they would mind giving you a lift if you brought your own car seat?

BertrandRussell · 26/10/2017 08:43

Do they know you can't get there?

PoppyPopcorn · 26/10/2017 08:44

So 9 of them have to change their plans to accommodate the 1 person who can't drive?

Don't demand they change the location of their meet which is obviously working well for 90% of the group. Don't start asking for lifts - it's not their problem that you can't drive. Either ditch the group, or try to see them individually in smaller groups at different locations.

silenceisadistantmemory · 26/10/2017 08:45

Would that not make me the annoying friend who expects to be given lifts all the time?

People get torn apart on here for that!

OP posts:

cautiousoptimist1 · 26/10/2017 08:45

Honestly they don't sound like friends. If you've enjoyed meeting them and the company then try some local groups you can walk to.

BertrandRussell · 26/10/2017 08:51

"So 9 of them have to change their plans to accommodate the 1 person who can't drive?"

No. 1 of the 9 has to offer the 1 who can't drive a lift. It's a lift, not a bloody kidney!

silenceisadistantmemory · 26/10/2017 08:52

On MN, a kidney would be less trouble....

OP posts:

silenceisadistantmemory · 26/10/2017 08:57

No Bertrand, I haven’t made an issue of it. Just quietly bowed out of things I can’t get too. That’s basically everything now. Sad after a year of friendship.

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 26/10/2017 08:59

OK. If you haven't told any of them that you can't drive, then it's daft to drop them. Next time a meet up's suggested, send a message to the group saying that you'd love to come, but you haven't got a car so you can't- might it be possible to meet at X that you can get to, or could someone please give you a lift.

If they won't change or nobody will give you a lift then drop them because they are all arseholes.
Disclaimer: there are 9 of them. They can't all have the classic Mumsnet pathetic excuses good reasons for not giving lifts.

BertrandRussell · 26/10/2017 09:02

"No Bertrand, I haven’t made an issue of it. Just quietly bowed out of things I can’t get too. That’s basically everything now. Sad after a year of friendship."

With the greatest respect (as people always say when they are about to be rude) that's just daft!!! People aren't mind readers! I would be so upset if someone in my group of friends did that and I didn't know.

fretfulsmarties · 26/10/2017 09:04

You don't have to do it in a way that means you're dominating the group but just tell them what your journey is like to get there and say you can't go because it's too out of the way.

Don't ditch them without even telling them why. If they drive they might think there's a straight bus to the destination. People who've driven for years are often clueless about the crap coverage of public transport in some areas.

MonkeyJumping · 26/10/2017 09:06

I don't understand why you're not just saying you can't get there?

So they suggest meeting at x place, you reply saying "oh I can't get there (3 buses and will take 2 hours, no way toddler will manage it!), could we meet at y or z instead?"

If others then reply saying they really want to go to x, just say "ok, hope you all have fun! Let me know if anybody does fancy a trip to y or z sometime."

That's not being demanding or difficult, it's just letting them know what the issue is.

Tbh if you're just quietly bowing out they probably think you're not interested in the group.

DaemonPantalaemon · 26/10/2017 09:06

Why have you not told them that getting to this place is hard for you?

ThePhoenixBird · 26/10/2017 09:07

I am sort of in the same situation. They all drive, I don’t. They all know I don’t drive but quite often they will arrange meet ups at places only accessible by car so I either don’t go, or I get a lift with my DP and he comes along too.

I am not that bothered, I am the one who can’t drive so that is my problem.

When I go back to work I doubt I will see them at all, as most of them are either not going back to work or going part time so no doubt will meet up when I am working. Again, not that bothered!

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 26/10/2017 09:08

It sounds like they are being a bit thoughtless. All you can do when a message goes round is say "Oh no! I can't get there! Next time can we go to XXX?", and see what happens.

However, giving lifts is not as straightforward as everyone on this thread seems to suggest. Does the OP have a car seat, if no car? Do the other mums already have wrong sized car seats in place which they don't want to move (it's always a faff). I am often unable to offer lifts where I would like to do so for car seat reasons.

PoppyPopcorn · 26/10/2017 09:08

Agree with Bertrand - you cannot expect people to know you have difficulty getting places if you haven't even told them! I've been driving since I was 17, all my friends drive and I'm probably guilty of assuming everyone can drive too. Knowing you have an issue getting to XYZ soft play and continuing to arrange meet ups there is a totally different scenario to the OP just not turning up or refusing invitations without any indication that it's because of transport issues.

OP - why haven't you said anything???

(Another AIBU thread started by friend - "we're a group of 10 postnatal mums and one of the group keeps refusing invitaitons - AIBU to think she doesn't want to be our friend any more?")

whiskyowl · 26/10/2017 09:10

Can you raise it in an assertive way: 'I'm really struggling to get to these meetings because I don't drive and DS/DD is a nightmare on the two buses I have to take to get here. I was wondering whether you'd mind moving the meeting to somewhere a little bit closer to me? Otherwise I fear I just won't be able to do the journey."

Chances are they have just not thought about how difficult it is for you to get to the meeting point without a car. Many people just don't realise.

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BertrandRussell · 26/10/2017 09:11

"However, giving lifts is not as straightforward as everyone on this thread seems to suggest."

There are 9 drivers in this group.

Papafran · 26/10/2017 09:11

I never understand the MN selfishness about lifts.

OP, do they all live in a different place from you? If not, why do they always suggest a place that's so far away?

PlateOfBiscuits · 26/10/2017 09:12

Knowing someone doesn’t drive and being aware of it are two different things.

Be really clear with them and help them be more aware.

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