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My Mother choosing ex over me

(41 Posts)
Piglet28 Thu 26-Oct-17 03:23:15

Hi, I’m hoping for some honest unbiased options on my mother choosing my ex-husband over not only me but my baby boy who is nearly 6 months whom she hasn’t seen since he was 6 weeks old.

Bit of background info: I was with my ex-husband for 13 years, he was 21 years older than me, we have an 8 year old son. At times he was controlling and manipulative, I was unhappy for a very long time and finally left him feb 2016.

I met someone else rather quickly and I’m really happy, we now have a baby together and life is good. Her reaction to this was horrendous.

My issue is my mother keeps inviting my ex over for dinner, invites him to see my family, goes to his house, for days out etc. I’ve literally been shoved out of her house because he is turning up.

Things with my ex are difficult, he has written disgusting posts about me on FB, he just wants be fun dad, won’t do homework, parents evenings, buys our son everything he wants (iPad pro, fossil watches, robotic toys etc) gives him no discipline, pays minimum maintenance and fills his head full of manipulative bullshit. We constantly argue about things.

I have explained to my mum several times that I find her close relationship with my ex really hurtful especially whilst all of this is going on, and that by her still involving him in our lives when he behaves so appallingly unacceptable. She constantly sticks up for him. I asked her to take a step back from seeing him, not cut him off completely as I understand they have a relationship but just to back off a bit.

Her response is that I can’t tell her who she can see and I should just accept it and compares their relationship to mine with my father ... WTF? She has chosen my ex over me and my new partner and baby and not seen us in over 4 months. She posted a teddy last month and I’ve said I don’t want to continue this feud but what I said about my ex still stands, she has just ignored me.

Not sure why I’m posting this, I’m really sad and hurt by her behaviour. I just needed to vent and maybe hoping for some advice and honest opinions please!

WhoWants2Know Thu 26-Oct-17 03:53:16

Well, you asked her to prioritise you and your family and made your feelings known, but she’s chosen him instead.

So, as sad as it is, I would scale the relationship down to minimal contact and invest that time effort in your new family as well.

MistressDeeCee Thu 26-Oct-17 04:41:27

For your own sanity and peace of mind, minimise contact with your mother. & whenever you do have to speak with her, do not allow her to talk about your ex to you. Get up and leave immediately if she does. Or if she's round yours, calmly tell her to leave.

I know some people would say, sit down and have it out with her. But your mother is a grown woman acting like a giddy young girl over this man. The only "bond" they have is you. & you will be part of their conversation. She has made her choice, and trying to reason with her will make you feel bad, because she will not listen or try to understand you. She has her reasons for needing him, and those reasons whatever they may be, are more important to her than you are. As is this man. You've yourself and your family to concentrate on. Do that. Some of us don't have good mothers. We just don't. & no amount of begging pleading for loyalty fairness understanding consideration will ever change that. Live your life with your family and leave your mum to it. Hard as it may be, it's for the best.

TitaniasCloset Thu 26-Oct-17 04:46:29

He really is manipulative. He must be loving this, especially when she reports back to him that you are unhappy about it.

Mummyoflittledragon Thu 26-Oct-17 05:10:51

She sounds like a bitter and jealous woman. She is comparing your relationship with your father to hers with your ex. That’s not normal.

I take it your parents are not together. Was your father abusive to her? Or can she just not stand the fact you wish to maintain contact with your father?

It also sounds like she fancies him and is flattered by his attention.

All very sick. A mother being in contact with your ex to hurt you. Your ex being in contact your mother to hurt you.

Time to step away from the drama. Protect your ds as best you can. Explain to him that his dad loves him. But he is saying some very strange things. Teach him about what it is to be a grown up. Grown ups don’t tell kids about adult things. Say how sad you are that he’s hearing mean things about you. It must be very confusing. Reduce contact to the minimum. His father is quite possibly only seeing your ds to hurt you.

It sounds as if you’ve found a much better man. Your family deserves to be happy. Hopefully ds gets to have a great role model and loving sf in him.

Mummyoflittledragon Thu 26-Oct-17 05:12:37

Forgot to say, cut ties with your mother. It will hurt. If you can afford therapy/counselling to do this, I’d have some. Your ds also has stepgrandparents now perhaps. I hope these are better role models than your mother.

Stillpissingdown Thu 26-Oct-17 05:20:37

PP are right. Your mum has some kind of emotional tie with this man - healthy or not, I'd I'd scale down any contact with her.

Catsize Thu 26-Oct-17 05:25:26

I do wonder if there is something more to this, sorry OP. I am guessing they are pretty close in age.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Thu 26-Oct-17 05:46:33

I'm sorry, but what kind of mother/grandmother doesn't have a relationship and goes without seeing their grandchild for 6 years, especially her daughter's child. Very weird.
Does she have other gcs. Does she see them

MrsBirdseye Thu 26-Oct-17 07:25:27

Wait a minute, how old is your mum? Your ex is 21 years older than you (technically - could be like your dad). Maybe it is so simple that SHE ACTUALLY FANCIES HIM wink

Piglet28 Thu 26-Oct-17 09:47:24

Thanks so much for all your replies.

It’s nice to know I’m not going mad... you start to think there’s something wrong with yourself!

Her reasoning for seeing him is that it allows her to see at least one of her grandchildren. The sad thing is that if she took a step back from my ex she would be able to see her other grandson (a tiny baby who has no idea who she is) and us as well. I’m really hurt that she would chose someone who made me so miserable over not just me but my baby as well. She’s missing out on so much.

No my Dad wasn’t abusive to my mum but he did cheat on her, she is very bitter towards him. To the point that when I got married her main focus was that she would have to be in the same room as him.

It’s not the first time someone has said she fancies him (ewwwww) there is only 8 years between them. She says she sees him like a son.

My relationship with my mother has always been a bit stressful and I think that’s why I got with my ex to escape her. I think he knew how to manipulate the situation. The relationship with my mum improved when we didn’t live together and improved when I had my first son.

I’d like a relationship back with her, but I’d find it so hard to get past this, and I don’t think she’s even interested.

Piglet28 Thu 26-Oct-17 09:51:34

Yes she had other “step” grandchildren.

I should explain, my ex takes my older son to see her. He knows the relationship with my mum has broken down due to him constantly being in the picture. He then manipulates this to his advantage and takes DS round to see her every weekend he has him.

Maelstrop Thu 26-Oct-17 09:52:34

I'm sorry, OP, she has made her choice. You should not be stressing about her seeing your baby and trying to make her choose when she already has. I would be withdrawing from her. Consider the ways in which it's beneficial to have her in your life.

Iris65 Thu 26-Oct-17 09:59:30

My Mother did a similar thing when I left my physically abusive husband. After his conviction for beating me she told him that he was always welcome and should stay in touch. She would regularly ask me if I knew how he was until I told her that I did not want to talk about him.
She was in an abusive marriage (my Dad recently died) and I think it was normal to her.

Iris65 Thu 26-Oct-17 10:01:09

And yes, I think my Mother was attracted to my ex husband too.

lifeandtheuniverse Thu 26-Oct-17 10:05:26

My mother in law effectively sided with me over her own son, when he ran off with the OW. He effectively abandoned his DCs with me, minimal contact, no maintenance and he and his new partner were toxic to her and his own family.

She was recently widowed and lives 5000 miles from us.

The issue for us was, OW wanted all the family to stop speaking to me and our DCS - she was the new family. Hi family individually told me - they loved their brother, cousin nephew etc bu they were older enough to make their own decisions as to who they spoke to. They would develop a relationship with her - as I had over 20 yrs but it would take time - this was not acceptable to the OW and EX.

It was very hard on my EX, but now 4 yrs down the line - he has left OW, repaired the damage to his family, has his mum staying with him again ( she was banned from their house) and has admitted to many of his relatives, he fucked up big style. ( not admitted it to me though!!)

Give it time, people change - I am so pleased for my EX that his family did not close the door on him - some awful stuff was said.

RandomMess Thu 26-Oct-17 10:07:35

Let them crack on with it, keep their games out of your life!

It doesn’t sound as though her relationship with your youngest is any great loss?

Greyponcho Thu 26-Oct-17 10:09:59

So does your ex actually do any parenting on his own or does he take his DS to your DMs so that she can do it for him, with the added bonus of pissing you off?!
Her behaviour is very, very odd.
Maybe refuse to discuss your Ex with her and just cut it off every time she starts going on about him, or just say “that’s nice, but it’s really none of my business, nor hers, actually “ and change the subject. If she carries on just say you have no interest in discussing your ex, if necessary stop the conversation.
She sounds mighty odd challenging

Piglet28 Thu 26-Oct-17 10:20:04

So sad to hear others have been in a similar situation.

I have had no choice but to distance myself from her. She’s made her choices but I find it so hard to accept.

The whole situation has been stressful on my new relationship. She had no interest in getting to know my new partner, her inviting my ex round made it very hard to try and build a relationship.

I’m lucky to have met someone who makes me so happy and have so many lovely people in my life. But not much family of my own, my dad moved to France 2 weeks ago, my sister is moving to Scotland and is currently back at home with Mum who would rather see my ex.

DancesWithOtters Thu 26-Oct-17 10:40:08

Is your Mum still with your Dad?

Sounds like she may fancy your ex!

Piglet28 Thu 26-Oct-17 10:50:36

No they’ve been separated for around 15 years, she is remarried. I literally can’t bear the thought, but so many people come to that conclusion!

WigglySquid Thu 26-Oct-17 11:07:39

Sorry to hear you are going through this OP.

Unfortunately it does sound like your mother is rather toxic and dismissive of your feelings and the impact that her behaviour has on you. It is bizarre to be prioritising your ex over her own daughter. It’s weird for her to be having any contact with him at all, frankly.

I agree with previous posters that in your shoes I’d be minimising contact with her. I think you’ll be surprised how much happier you are without this negative influence and the stress it’s causing to you. It sounds like you’ve built a wonderful new life for yourself so focus on that and enjoy it, don’t let her spoil it. smile

MistressDeeCee Thu 26-Oct-17 18:52:42

Awwlookatmybabyspider unfortunately mothers like the OP's are not unique...

coffeecupcakesandkids Thu 26-Oct-17 20:38:34

You could be writing about my mother here OP.
i reduced contact to minimal after trying to explain how he had hurt me and my DC, but she "thinks the world" of him according to her fb reply to his slimy comment telling her shes wonderful and basically he thinks the world of her. shes narcassistic and when i was seeing him she hated his guts, he called her all the names under the sun but now hes kissing her butt and shes loving the attention. she wouldnt listen to reason so reducing contact was the only way to protect myself and DC, whom ex doesnt contact unless he is without a partner to occupy his time.

concentrate on your family OP, let them be shitty together because you and your DC dont need them or DMs attitude.
sending love flowers

FizzyGreenWater Thu 26-Oct-17 20:48:59

Move on.

She has made her choice and I suspect it will be one she will come to regret.

Don't feel as if you are the one on the outside. She is - from the lovely family you've escaped to now. She's the one stuck in the mire with your ex. When he moves on and finds someone new, do you think that will fit with him cosying up to his ex-MIL? Especially given that it's obvious she has some kind of interest in him?

Once there's a new woman who is keen to take centre stage and probably as a part of that play stepmum to your older DS, your mum will be kicked swiftly to the kerb.

When that happens, don't let her back in to your fold.

She's shown you that she'll turn her back on you when you need her most.

Enjoy both your children and your new life!

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