AIBU to ask: do you ever feel lost? and how to make new friends?

[Coffeeplease88]

Hi everyone, i did post earlier but i think it was a bit vague so I've hidden it!
So I am a single mother to two children (2&7) my sons have different fathers (6 and 3 year relationships). I am studying a Masters Degree after graduating with an Honours in the Summer, before that a diploma so i could go to uni, so I haven't worked since my eldest was 1. Fathers are involved, but especially the relationship with the eldest father is extremely strained, verging on obscene, he calls me "not right" repeatedly and refers to my life as a joke.
i have suffered bouts of clinical depression since my first pregnancy, using being outdoors, exercise and healthy food to help.
I moved 400 miles when i left my ex. My friends here are mostly younger, without children. I would love some mum friends in my village. I joined the parent council at school, but I'm yet to attend any meetings or get too involved in group chat. My shame and embarrassment stop me talking to or trying to make friends, i know it sounds a bit silly, but I'm ashamed of my family situation and that i don't work, so live off benefits while i finish my Masters. I cannot wait to start a career.
I'm in a long distance(ish) relationship which has been incredibly turbulent.
so I'm feeling lost, and i want to fix that. I want confidence and clarity, but at the same time, i feel like I am finally becoming an adult, realising how different behavior patterns i need to fix.

Has anyone else felt this way? And what did you do?
thank you so so much

[Birdsgottafly]

Are you getting treatment for your depression?

How would you feel about counseling?

[Coffeeplease88]

Hi Birds
I was on meds’ but I had terrible nightmares/sleep paralysis so I’ve stopped them. I have applied for funding for external counselling at uni but I’m still waiting to hear. I have been referred for CBT treatment but the waiting list is 25 weeks.
I know it may be partly to blame, perhaps especially in my shame around making new friends...but I think my upset is justified at how I’m treated at times, although I am very submissive so keen to please!

[Booagain]

Congrats on doing your masters! Don’t be embarrassed by your living arrangement etc - you’re obviously keen to be up and running independently, no one will judge you. People are kinder than you think :) (mostly!)
I would join all the kids groups you can with your 2 year old and look at school stuff with your elder. Talk to people in local playground, suggest coffees etc. Into any hobbies? If so, that’s also a great place to meet people, eg book group (appreciate it might be hard to find the time when you have little people!)

[Birdsgottafly]

It's putting a plan in place that will help you make that initial step of going to the meetings.

Also getting to the bottom of why you think that you are going to be so badly judged. Where did your shame come from etc and work on removing that?

You are very busy at the moment, so the wait for CBT will fly by and you will get time to try self-help books.

Perhaps discuss other medication, as well.

But you have to start putting bounderies in place with your ex and tell him that you don't want to listen to his bullshit.

Start to challenge what he says (to yourself), how many people achieve a Masters? How is bringing up his child and studying, a joke? You don't have to listen to him at all.