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how can people be so ignorant and stupid??

(62 Posts)
willothewisp17 Wed 25-Oct-17 19:36:41

a mother in law one I'm afraid, but bare with me.

my daughter is five months old, was born 10 weeks early and as a result has a home oxygen requirement and reflux. so not just an average run of the mill baby (if there is such a thing hmm)

anyway, mil came for a visit today, and arrived just after my daughter had finished a feed. we keep her upright for at least 20/30 minutes after a feed to ensure her milk stays down, however she filled her nappy shortly afterwards so I changed her (she can handle a quick, gentle nappy change).

what she cannot handle is mil taking it upon herself to pick her up (in the time I was washing my hands) and then start bouncing her all over the place, making baby a 'superhero baby', letting her fall from one arm to the other 'catching her' and then, after my very annoyed daughter began to cry worse than she already was, the cherry on top was her putting her into her bouncer and bouncing the shit out of her.

mil left and what am I left with? projectile vomit. everywhere.

I'm tired of this, I give people the benefit of the doubt (have been very reluctant to allow in laws to have much to do with her) and I get this sheer stupidity. I've been letting in laws take her for a few hours on a sunday but she came back sunday and was just totally off all night and all day monday. so no more.

aibi to be so so so angry? I didn't get get the chance to say no, put her down, before she had her swooped up and jiggled everywhere when my back was turned. it's as if people don't believe me that she does indeed have reflux!!

hungrywalrus Wed 25-Oct-17 19:41:32

Is there any way you could orchestrate a projectile vomit directly onto your mil? My mil once decided to boss us about and made us change ds after the first poo rumble. We warned her to wait. She did it anyway and he projectile pooed on her and then peed on her to top it off. She screamed.
I hadn't laughed so much in a long time. It was glorious.

HighwayDragon1 Wed 25-Oct-17 19:42:44

Send her pictures of the projectile vomit with the words "thanks for that" and don't allow her alone time with the baby

Maelstrop Wed 25-Oct-17 19:46:49

the time I was washing my hands) and then start bouncing her all over the place, making baby a 'superhero baby', letting her fall from one arm to the other 'catching her' and then, after my very annoyed daughter began to cry worse than she already was, the cherry on top was her putting her into her bouncer and bouncing the shit out of her.

How on earth did you not have time to tell her no that whole time?

I would just prevent any alone time and bloody well tell her why. Such a dumb thing to do to any baby who's just been fed, let alone a preemie with reflux! YANBU to be very sodding cross. I hope you bollocked her.

EssentialHummus Wed 25-Oct-17 19:48:45

That sounds tough OP, I’m sorry. You/DH need to have a very specific word, really. She needs to get your DD’s needs waaay more than she does, or she really can’t visit, as dramatic as that sounds.

Whatsername17 Wed 25-Oct-17 19:49:25

I had a baby with colic who screamed and screamed and a mil who thought she knew best. What I say next, I say kindly; did you challenge her? I never did with my mil with dd1, but with dd2 I do. You've got every right to take your baby back and tell her to stop throwing your lo around. It's bloody annoying when peoe just think your are being pfb and that they know better. My mil regularly told me that 'all babies cry' when I tried to explain about dd1s colic. In the end, I left dd1 with her for an hour. She asked to keep her for the whole afternoon, I said that was fine, but they turned up an hour later because 'something is clearly wrong because she won't stop crying'. Nope, she just cried all of the fucking time mil. Dh actually said 'No, it's colic, did you think we were making it up?' Don't be afraid to be assertive and do what is best for your baby. It's hard enough work as it is.

lookingbeyond40 Wed 25-Oct-17 19:49:30

I wouldn’t do that with a baby who didn’t have reflux! Let alone with one that does!!

I feel your pain. My MIL is pretty dismissive about my children’s conditions. They both have autism. She believes the louder you bellow in their faces, they will understand what she is saying. Cue meltdown!!

I don’t know what to suggest, apart from being honest and frank with her. If you can’t do that, ensure you don’t leave her alone with her.

It pisses me off that my MIL does these things. Doesn’t listen, goes home then I’m left with two children who are clearly out of sorts.

willothewisp17 Wed 25-Oct-17 19:51:09

Mael she literally just grabs a hold of her as soon as my back is turned, but I'm just as angry at myself for not opening my stupid mouth, but I'm fed up looking like the mean daughter in law telling them off!

I photographed my vomit covered daughter, couch, floor (petty but I was damn angry) and sent it to her and told her no more of this shit because she can't handle it!

Ttbb Wed 25-Oct-17 19:54:10

YABU. You should have just politely reminded her not to do it. If she didn't then you could have told her off, taken your daughter and felt angry with good reason.

Whatsername17 Wed 25-Oct-17 19:56:08

Be the mean daughter in law! I am and it is sooooooo much better than being the upset - silently seething daughter in law!

Namechangetempissue Wed 25-Oct-17 20:00:24

Just be blunt and tell her no! I know it can be difficult, but you don't have to snatch DD away. Explain firmly to MIL that she can't be swung about so soon after a feed and could she please sit down with her and or walk around calmly holding her or sit her up on her knee and show her a book or toy. That way she gets time with her grandchild but on your terms. Good luck OP!

willothewisp17 Wed 25-Oct-17 20:00:34

I've tried my hardest to be nice and allow mil to be involved, as I don't like leaving them out and I often feel like I'm hurting my husbands feeling as my own mother is involved all the time (my own doesn't do anything without asking, including picking her up) but I can't let this go on.

she went on sunday and fed her then changed her rather than the other way about and then put her down to play directly after a bottle. she wasn't sick, but that was just sheet luck. later learned that they left a bottle sitting for ages and then went back to it because she only took two ounces the first time, my daughters milk has a thickener in it that sets over time and then they wondered why she was struggling to get it through the teat!! the last straw was questioning me when I asked to have her home and telling my husband 'whatever' when he very politely reminded them to change before her bottle not afterwards!

I am done with this, my daughter suffered enough when she came into the world and doesn't need this crap!

she won't be left alone with her ever again and my daughter certainly won't be allowed to go off with them. I need to man the hell up and open my mouth.

willothewisp17 Wed 25-Oct-17 20:04:25

I know I should have said something, instead of just silently seething and cringing. but mil knows not to do these things! but does them anyway sad

BewareOfDragons Wed 25-Oct-17 20:10:37

Your DH also needs to man up and tell his mother that she is completely out of order for treating your child in this manner. YOU are the parents. What you say goes. So she doesn't get unsupervised contact with the baby for the foreseeable future.

hungrywalrus Wed 25-Oct-17 20:14:35

If you are struggling with not being nice, just remember two things to feel less bad:
1 would she ever go out of her way for you as you do for her?
2 if you bend into a pretzel for her, that's one thing but you cannot be expected to do it at the expense of your child.

She might get better as your daughter gets older, who knows?

RedForFilth Wed 25-Oct-17 20:15:55

Regardless of any health issues I don't know anyone who would think it a good idea to bounce a baby straight after food!

I'm unsure why you have to deal with the in laws instead of your husband since it's his family? He should be the one having a word imo. Obviously if it is just you there you should say something there and then. Doesn't have to be nasty, just calm, measured and factual about why her behaviour is inappropriate.

I think saying she'll never be alone with her again is a bit much, she should get the chance to earn your trust over time by showing she will look after your child in a responsible manner.

mistymumma Wed 25-Oct-17 20:23:06

If she had the time to do all that, including putting her in her bouncer and "bouncing the shit out of her", then you had plenty of time to tell her to stop, or pick her up and hold her yourself. YOU are her mum. YOU have the right to tell her to stop. God knows why I am saying this, because I'm guilty of staying quiet infront of my mum and mother in law all of the time whilst they say and do things I am not happy with. Sometimes it is hard to say something, but having said that, in the long run, it is MUCH harder to bite your lip and say nothing. You don't even have to be rude, just say "She gets sick easily, please don't bounce her." or maybe even "I think she wants me," and go and take her from your mother in law. Trouble with parents are that they believe because they brought you up (or partner) then they have control over their grandchildren. What they don't seem to understand is that they have no say whatsoever over how their grandchild should be brought up. Whether it is well meaning or not, sometimes they just don't know when to stop.

juniorcakeoff Wed 25-Oct-17 20:28:43

Look the most well intentioned people will not always follow "the rules" with babies with reflux, they don't suffer the consequences of not keeping them upright and still so they will look after babies as they always have done. I have had similar in my children's early months from friends, MIL, parents.

The only one who didn't do this was my sister who had only recently had a child herself so was aware of the need to take advice..I wouldn't let them feed your baby for a bit, I breastfed mostly but people would fecking lie them flat all the time. I used to be staring across the room cringing and find an excuse to take them back. But I wouldn't be angry, they just don't get it.

willothewisp17 Wed 25-Oct-17 20:30:03

RedForFilth he won't say anything. I can remember when my daughter was in neonatal and was just going to get out of her incubator and my mil kept asking if she couldto kiss her on the lips. my husband just kept saying 'mmmm' and brushing it off. I got him later that night and told him he needs to tell her no! I speak to my mother when I feel she's doing something wrong so why should it fall to me to say to everyone?

but, I will just have to suck it up and do it. I've messaged her and said no more of the bouncing ect because my daughter can't take it, please don't be so rough with her, I don't know what more I can do at the moment, other than keep my daughter under a very watchful eye until she is older and less fragile and tricky!

Homebird8 Wed 25-Oct-17 20:30:32

I photographed my vomit covered daughter, couch, floor (petty but I was damn angry) and sent it to her and told her no more of this shit because she can't handle it!

Has she understood and apologised?

willothewisp17 Wed 25-Oct-17 20:32:25

Homebird she has, I've told her not to worry about it now, daughter is now sound asleep, just not to let it happen again x

AdalindSchade Wed 25-Oct-17 20:32:58

This is slightly on you for watching her do all that without saying anything!

NewLove Wed 25-Oct-17 20:33:01

She sounds like a blooming nightmare - I don't have kids and even I know not to bounce like that...

Why would you change before feeds though? IME of family and friends babies, you feed, they have a huge runny poo and then you change them. If you change first, do you not have to change again afterwards? (not criticising, just curious for future personal reference ;) )

willothewisp17 Wed 25-Oct-17 20:36:00

I hate being so angry, and hate having problems with my mother in law, I don't want it to be like that!
I've done a lot of things I wasn't quite ready to do yet, like letting her take my daughter for a few hours, letting her feed her (I was pleasantly surprised that she managed to get my daughter to easily take a whole 6oz bottle!) but it feels like sometimes she thinks I'm being too precious! I'm not, it's all just circumstances with my daughter and things have to be done a certain way!

willothewisp17 Wed 25-Oct-17 20:37:17

Newlove when she was in neonatal she was always changed first by the midwifes and I guess it's just stuck with us x

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