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AIBU to think "how do you get to where you want to be" and "Im not happy" when i have two beautiful childen and a roof?

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Coffeeplease88 Wed 25-Oct-17 18:48:55

Hi everyone,
I have two children (2 and 7, two fathers (3 and 6 year relationships)), live alone and currently studying a masters degree. their fathers are involved, but the relationships, especially the eldest dad are strained to say the least. he repeatedly tells me I am not right, and that my life is a joke. as all us mums do, I take my children to lots of places and various clubs. I haven't been in employment for six years (diploma, degree and now MSc). I am in a long distance(ish) relationship which is still very new, 11 months, and has been very turbulent. I have suffered clinical depression on and off since my first pregnancy which I try and tackle with being outside and eating good food.
I daydream all the time, about learning to play the piano and horse riding. I love mountain biking but can't afford my own just now, so I day dream about buying one, and being completely self sufficient, I cannot wait to start my career.
but I feel I am lost, as though I don't really belong. I have just realised that I don't really know who I am and only just noticed a pattern in my behaviour, I go from relationship to relationship, I've cheated often, and once I have been wronged, I will try to wrestle to keep the relationship, but inevitably it breaks down. I want to stop this. I think craving love and affection from men is partly due to a total rejection of me by my own father. I am struggling socially, a lot of my friends are younger and have no children. I would love some mum friends, but I am crippled with anxiety due to shame about my home situation and scared of judgement. I joined the school parent council but yet to attend meetings.
so I guess my question is, how do you get to where you want to be? How did you feel when you first started to grow up and realise some truths about yourself?
Thank you so so much

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