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AIBU to think you don't do favours for your ex?

(33 Posts)
NoFuckingWay Wed 25-Oct-17 17:33:41

Apart from child related ones.

My ex and I have a horrific history. He has been so abusive that me and the children previously had to live in a refuge for a year just to get free of him. Now after a long legal process he has been granted time with them every other weekend for which I do drop offs and picks up from a public place (because the thought of him standing on my doorstep scares the shit out of me).

We have recently agreed that he will take the children out for tea midweek and again drop offs and pick ups are going ok generally. He hasn't tried to intimidate me and I am becoming less nervous around him. This apparently means we're practically best mates hmm and he's asked me if I could do him a favour and go to the chemist to pick up some medication he gets on prescription. I was very much wtf?! And eventually managed to splutter "no I don't think that's appropriate do you?" He seemed shocked and clearly wasn't happy.

In recent weeks he's sent me a YouTube link to a song that is "really beautiful" offered to babysit for me "whenever" and enquired on my health (longterm condition) he didn't give a fuck when we were a couple and he was violent towards me

I guess I'm wondering do people do favours like this for an ex? Is it normal? Is that why he asked me because he thinks it's normal or is he trying to play me? I don't think I was unreasonable to say no to him. We are not and never can be friends not ever.

Sorry this is long btw I didn't want to dripfeed and hope I haven't.

Santawontbelong Wed 25-Oct-17 17:36:17

Keep the boundaries very clear op. . Especially if he has been controlling /abusive. .
I once asked my ex to bring some nappies - he brought it up in court saying I couldn't cope without him!!
Clear boundaries after that. .
Dc arrangements obviously a different matter.

Aquamarine1029 Wed 25-Oct-17 17:38:23

Watch out, dear, he's up to no good. He's buttering you up for something, you can count on it.

Livedandlearned Wed 25-Oct-17 17:39:06

My ex is like yours in that he pushes the boundaries purely to control me, even if he cam control my emotions he is happy. I ignore him now unless he is directly talking about the dc and even then I don't always pay him any attention.

Start as you mean to go on op whichever way you decide to play it so that you both know where you stand.

Phosphorus Wed 25-Oct-17 17:41:17

People who hadhad an amicable relationship/split with their ex might do favours for them.

People who have escaped a violent/controlling relationship really shouldn't.

If the man had any concept of how awful his behaviour was, he'd barely be able to look you in the eye, never mind ask favours.

Don't let him draw you in.

FoofFighter Wed 25-Oct-17 17:41:39

He's hoovering you OP!
www.goodtherapy.org/blog/hoover-maneuver-the-dirty-secret-of-emotional-abuse-0219154

FoofFighter Wed 25-Oct-17 17:43:04

Get yourself familiar with "grey rock" technique. Show no interest or emotion. He'll get no feed from you and hopefully FOTTFSOFATFOA. fuck off to the far side of fuck then fuck off again

lalalalyra Wed 25-Oct-17 17:44:01

You don't when he's abusive.

It's good that you are not being lulled into a false sense of security by him.

Too often you see people start to let their guards down and before they know it they've allowed pick ups at home or collection from home and the abusive side rears it's ugly head again.

Venusflytwat Wed 25-Oct-17 17:46:22

No. Keep your distance, you are absolutely doing the right thing. I’m so sorry he is still in your life.

CoraPirbright Wed 25-Oct-17 17:47:53

Excellent link from Foof - sounds spot on to me!

Jellycatspyjamas Wed 25-Oct-17 17:49:01

He's grooming you back into the relationship or back into his control again. Keep very cheat boundarues and a note of what he's doing just in case.

NoFuckingWay Wed 25-Oct-17 18:39:01

Thank you everyone. Sorry was caught up in a game with DS which is why I wasn't answering smile

I think that link sums up my ex quite well. I had been no contact with him at all for a year as it was all through solicitors and even in court he wasn't allowed to speak directly to me (and I certainly didn't want to talk to him!) and he's been dying to talk to me it seems because the judge has shouted at him to stop talking to me! I have a spare phone he contacts me on (aka the shite phone) he doesn't know my proper number there'd be no escape from him at all.

We've split up years ago too when our eldest was small and got back together and the little one was born then. I swore this time I wasn't ever going back things had got too bad. And the only way to make sure I didn't get sucked back in was to totally block him from my life so I did. Changed my number got a non mol and refused to even make eye contact in court. It's worked so well until now. No suicide threats, no actual threats no trying to worm his way back in (because he can't!) I even have a new(ish) boyfriend now who my children adore as well. He knows about the new boyfriend because my son told him before I got a chance to.

All I want is to move on with my life and do all the things I previously wasn't allowed to do (go to college, have friends, see my family) but I don't think it's going to be that easy after all sad

GinDoll Wed 25-Oct-17 18:57:18

I have an abusive ex and it's amazing how he seems to have rewritten history and now thinks we're friends. He doesn't realise I am friendly towards him for the sake of the children but I have never forgotten or forgiven what he did to me. The second the children can deal with him I'll take great pleasure in never having to speak to him again... it's weird how they can decide everything is okay.

GinDoll Wed 25-Oct-17 18:59:18

Oh and definitely he wants to have some sort of control, he's always offering to do favours for me. I always decline. Oh no, I just remember he time he yanked his pants down in the street to ask how his snip stitches looked. I think I'd repressed that memory but it's back. Going to need a large drink or a lobotomy!

WhatwouldAryado Wed 25-Oct-17 19:03:12

No. I have very firm boundaries with my ex.
You completely did the right thing. flowers and wine. I hope you ok. It can feel a massive step to stick to your guns with a former abuser.

CrazyHairSister Wed 25-Oct-17 19:06:44

Ex and I do favours for one another, but we have a very amicable relationship and there was no abuse.

In your situation I agree you need to keep the boundaries very clear.

LouHotel Wed 25-Oct-17 19:09:50

Im sorry your in this position in the first place OP. To me it sounds like because the state now see him as responsible enough to have a relationship with his children he's taken this to me that all is forgiven.

As others have said you need to maintain clear boundries.

whoareyoukidding Wed 25-Oct-17 19:14:32

I agree with the others, from what you have said, I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. What a bloody cheek! he can get his medicine himself and I hope it chokes him.

Maelstrop Wed 25-Oct-17 19:15:09

Accept no favours and do him none either, you need to maintain very strong boundaries. He's trying to get back into your life and you seem to have worked very hard to keep him out. Don't waste all that work!

Ditsy1980 Wed 25-Oct-17 19:18:45

That link is great *foof*. My ex wasn't violent but emotionally abusive, I regularly attempt no contact but then he starts to edge in with little requests or msgs. Will be paying more attention to it in future.
Good luck OP, keep to your boundaries.

notacooldad Wed 25-Oct-17 19:18:56

Yeah I've done favours for an ex and they've helped me out if a hole. However there us a bug difference. The relationship wasn't abusive and my ex was and still is a nice.
In your situation I would keep my guard up at all times.

BoomBoomBoomBoooom Wed 25-Oct-17 19:31:45

I do favours for Exs and they have done some for me but only when we've remained friends or on good terms. Nothing huge- drive to the airport, stayed a night when I needed to be in their city etc.

Your situation is different.

WTAAF Wed 25-Oct-17 19:33:16

My partner and I do favours for my ex. My ex ha's done a lot of favours for us. It's nice that we can have that sort of relationship. But not everyone can...it's a very individual thing with no one-size-fits-all answer.

NoFuckingWay Wed 25-Oct-17 19:49:33

This thread isn't me criticising other peoples set ups with their exes just to be clear I think I just wanted to know what is "normal" I suppose but that's silly in hindsight because the set up with him will never be amicable. It just can't. The dust has settled in a way but I'm aware that it hinges on whether he puts the kids first and doesn't act like a bellend in any way as to whether it stays that way. he asked me to go get his medication for him in front of our children. The youngest was unaware the oldest said I am mean for refusing to help daddy. I forsee this happening again.

He's hurt us all in many ways but in the eyes of the law the children have a right spend time with him. It's about their rights apparently. But.... if he walks away from them forever they can not take him to court and insist he still sees them.

Cupoteap Wed 25-Oct-17 19:55:26

I also do hand overs in public - do not do anything for him. See how he has you doubting yourself already. Keep it to business only.

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