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'It's so much easier'

(51 Posts)
itssomucheasier Wed 25-Oct-17 17:07:14

This is more a rant than anything else, maybe I am being unreasonable.

Sadly my friends (df1) MIL died suddenly from a heart attack a month ago, df had known MIL 4 years however I believe they were close. Friend is obviously upset.

In order not to drip feed, my father is dying of terminal cancer, he was given 6-12 months 6 months ago. He lives an 8 hour drive from me and I have only been able to see him a handful of times since he was diagnosed. He moved when I was 16 and we have only seen each other sporadically since but have grown much closer in the past year since he’s been ill.

I was out with df1 and df2 last week and we were talking about df1 MILs untimely death and how hard it’s been for df and her dh.
Both friends then looked at me and said how much easier it is if you at least know someone is dying so you can say your goodbyes and what you want to say to clear past history etc.
I don’t usually talk about what’s happening with my dad but they both know he’s dying and how long he roughly has left. I then said ‘I don’t know if it is much easier actually and you don’t say exactly what you want to say’. DF2 said ‘oh but you should and it will make it sooo much easier’.

I’m thinking this was incredibly insensitive of both friends who have never had a family member with a terminal illness, still have both parents and df2 hasn’t lost anyone close at all. They seem to think terminal illness is an opportunity for a movie type ending when actually for me, it’s just bloody sad and awkward. We just talk about every day things.

I don’t know why they had to bring my situation into it at all, I didn’t mention my dad, all I did was sympathise with df1.
I’m pissed off they presume to know how I feel and also tell me how to deal with it hmm
I know it’s not the worst thing they could have said and I’m probably bu to still be annoyed a week later.

sickynicky Wed 25-Oct-17 17:12:03

I don't think it's easier

I do think that perhaps there's less chance of things being left unsaid

patientzero Wed 25-Oct-17 17:12:14

YANBU

My dad died of a heart attack at 46. It was an awful shock but it was painless for him. My friend’s dad has cancer and is slowly wasting away. I much prefer my situation, despite not having gotten to say goodbye.

I hope your dad goes peacefully and that you’re ok

StillStayingClassySanDiego Wed 25-Oct-17 17:18:54

Any death is traumatic and devastating, there's no 'easy' death.

Dh's Dad collapsed and died watching him play football when he was 17 yet his Grandad was terminally ill for 6 months and suffered dreadfully.

MiL was devastated by both, neither was easier.

I hope your Dad 's end of life is managed well by his Dr and Nurses and he's comfortable and that you're able to be with him when he passes away.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Wed 25-Oct-17 17:19:51

Sorry, your friend's were terribly insensitive, that must have been difficult to hear.

itssomucheasier Wed 25-Oct-17 17:20:47

@StillStayingClassySanDiego thanks, I just hope I can make it in time.

yerbutnobut Wed 25-Oct-17 17:21:04

Definitely not easier, you start the grieving process before they actually pass away. So sorry about your father OP.

Clawdy Wed 25-Oct-17 17:21:11

"Easier" is the wrong word to use. There is nothing about losing a parent that we can ever feel right about. My dad died suddenly of a heart attack, and a friend said " Good way to go, though." I was furious because I knew he'd died alone and in pain - he was found lying on the floor where he'd crawled in a desperate effort to reach his pills.People really should be careful about what they say.

itssomucheasier Wed 25-Oct-17 17:22:24

@Clawdy I’m sorry to hear that flowers my uncle died alone too and I thought it was dreadfully sad as he wasn’t found for days.

zippydoodaar Wed 25-Oct-17 17:25:26

Yes, that's very insensitive. My Father died of terminal cancer and just slowly faded away. He was a strong and independent man and hated being cared for.

It doesn't matter how someone dies or how long it takes, it is always hard in it's own way.

No one can tell you how you feel. Ignore them. flowers

LemonShark Wed 25-Oct-17 17:25:37

I really don't think there's an easy way. For the person whose mum is suddenly killed in a car crash, they get to remember her being fit and healthy and don't see a horrible decline/suffering, but the shock of it happening so unexpectedly must do horrible things to you. For the slowly dying relative yes it's not as much of a shock. But you do have to deal with months or years of waiting constantly to get that phone call, see them suffer and in pain often, and all of that time anticipating their death. Neither are easy.

I think however they were just passing their opinions from a naive perspective and probably didn't mean any harm. People say weird things when death is involved, and I doubt they meant to hurt you. It may be that as your dad is still here they haven't quite grasped how serious it is. But I think it's a common belief that it's better to be able to say goodbye and prepare than have it happen so suddenly, rightly or wrongly.

PinkyBlunder Wed 25-Oct-17 17:28:33

They're talking crap. It's not easy to lose a parent which ever way it happens

BenLui Wed 25-Oct-17 17:34:07

There’s no easy way to lose someone you love. Your friends know not of what they speak.

I’m very sorry about your Dad flowers

sonjadog Wed 25-Oct-17 17:35:18

They are being insensitive, but I think it is hard to know what it really feels like to lose a parent until it has happened to you. I lost my father after a very long period of illness. If there was anyone who should have been well-prepared for someone dying it was me. But even so, it hit me in a way that nothing else quite has.

With friends who say things like that, I just let it go. They will find out in time.

Notonthestairs Wed 25-Oct-17 17:36:14

I've had the reverse said to me about my mothers sudden death. All I can think about is the loss of my time with her.

However, I didn't respond because I know there is no easy way to experience a bereavement or to manage the expectation of a bereavement, the circumstances might be different but the outcome either way is immensely painful. Your friends should recognise that.

Wishing you and your family all the best for the months to come.

Glumglowworm Wed 25-Oct-17 17:37:41

I would like to think that your friend temporarily forgot about your dads situation and then when she found herself in that hole couldn't help but keep digging

I'd hope that no one would intentially say that what you're going through is "easier" in any way. It's awful however it happens

There's a Buffy quote where she asks Tara was it sudden when her mom died and Tara says "no. And yes. It's always sudden".

itssomucheasier Wed 25-Oct-17 17:38:55

@Notonthestairs I’ve no idea why people make such insensitive comments when a simple condolence would suffice. What is wrong with people? Losing someone in any way is equally hard imo and shouldn’t be turned into some kind of ‘grief top trumps’ flowers

itssomucheasier Wed 25-Oct-17 17:40:21

I would like to think that your friend temporarily forgot about your dads situation and then when she found herself in that hole couldn't help but keep digging

Unfortunately not as they turned to me as they were saying it sad basically they were saying it to me.

I shall try to put it out my mind.

supersop60 Wed 25-Oct-17 17:47:40

No, it's not 'easier'. When a loved one dies, you suddenly find yourself in a club that you never wanted to join. People really don't understand until it happens to them. Take a deep breath and try not to think about it - it wasn't meant to be hurtful - they just don't know yet. flowers

bellsandwhistles89 Wed 25-Oct-17 18:01:02

Sending all the hugs.

My mother died of cancer, it was a long drawn out process unfortunately and was awful. My father died from septicaemia (lots of other things contributing) it was quick and again was awful. No death is 'easy' and as friends they should just be supporting you not making stupid comments - I do however have experience of people I love saying the stupidest of things because they dont know what to say and/or they were trying to make me feel better.

CoyoteCafe Wed 25-Oct-17 18:03:24

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that you are watching your father die, and I'm sorry your friends were awful.

I think some people have a need to feel that whatever they are going through or have been through is the "worst," and whatever other people are going through is therefore easier. My sister is like that. What your friend did is take something very very difficult that you are going through right now, and turn it around like you are lucky. They showed zero empathy, and they tried to tell you how you should feel.

If they do it again, perhaps you could sweetly wish that their parents get terminal illnesses really soon so that they can have the opportunity to say their goodbyes and clear the past and all that. Because it's just such fun to have a parent slowly die, so hopefully that can have that awesome experience SOON! Turn it around on them.

(I'm projecting a little because my sister is a piece of work)

category12 Wed 25-Oct-17 18:06:13

People say stupid stuff when it comes to bereavement. flowers Sorry for your loss.

Notreallyarsed Wed 25-Oct-17 18:07:25

I’m sorry about your dad flowers

I’ve experienced it from both “sides”. My best friend died suddenly and it knocked me for six, I’d literally spoken to her hours earlier and she must have hung up the phone and collapsed. It was horrific, yet I was able to find comfort in the fact that although we were all floored, she hadn’t seen it coming and hadn’t suffered.

My mum died of cancer in June, and yes, we said everything that needed to be said, but the tension of knowing and yet not knowing was hard going. She faded away, and she struggled with knowing she was dying, especially knowing she wouldn’t see my kids grow up. So in that sense it’s not easier.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that your friends were very insensitive, nothing is easy when someone you love dies or is dying, it’s hard and sore and just bloody awful. I hope you have other friends to support you during this.

ittakes2 Wed 25-Oct-17 18:10:55

I think it was incredibly insensitive of your friends to bring your dad up and make any sort of comments or judgements on the situation. But since you raised it, I do urge you to talk to your Dad about how you are really feeling. My grandfather was 88 when I immigrated to the UK. In his mind he was not going to see me again so our conversations became very candid. I enjoyed many special conversations with him where he was honest about the past and his feelings. He actually lived to 96 and I was thankfully able to see him a number of times before died. And during those visits we became so close that I will be forever grateful that he had decided to be open and honest with me about him being in the final stages of his life. It also gave me great comfort to know how he felt about death.

grasspigeons Wed 25-Oct-17 18:16:14

I am sorry to hear the difficult things you are going through. Grief is very much something not to 'compete' about as there is only sadness and loss and it was insensitive of your friends to say that to you. flowers

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