To rage over BIL asking for money again?

[Sherashed]

Part vent and part AIBU?

DH is the eldest of 5 and we live on the other side of the country to his family. The youngest is 10 years younger than DH’s and unfortunately isn’t successful in life mainly due to his own doing. He has an on and off again partner who’s the mother of his 4 kids (aged 3 to 16). He works in low paying manual labour jobs, and his partner has never had a job. They gamble, drink, smoke, cheat on each other, get evicted, lose the rent money, blah, blah, blah. My PIL are not well off. FIL is in his early 70s and not working and MIL keeps a small job solely to support BIL’s kids.

About once a year, we get asked to ‘lend’ BIL money. The request usually comes from FIL when he’s run out of money to give. This time we’ve been asked for $3000 for car repairs. DH said yes, with the proviso BIL pays us $50 from each pay until it’s paid off. We’ve never had any money paid back in full.

I’m so freaking annoyed and I want to rage about how much BIL is a leech and loser. But I’m conflicted because there are the kids to consider and we can technically afford it. Also, it’s a contentious issue between DH and me. We’ve been together for 20 years, and he’s successful and accomplished, but still harbours issues about his poor upbringing. He’s seen as the successful one by his family and I know he feels a lot of obligation to them.

BUT, we’ve got 3 school aged kids and we both work hard and save our money. Recently, I’ve been cutting back on spending because we’re expecting a heap of school related bills in January. I even chose to go low key on my recent birthday to save money. Now there’s this bloody $3000 deficit in the savings.

So, I’ve vented. But, am I being unreasonable? Should I suck it up and be gracious and help those less fortunate than us? On the outside perhaps, but on the inside, I’m mad as hell.

[Cheby]

It's going to take 5 years to pay back at that rate! If they can only afford $50 a month then they simply can not afford that car. What's going to happen when the car needs replacing? They won't hav finished paying off your loan let alone saved for a new one.

[Cheby]

So YANBU. It sounds like they are living well beyond their means.

[lifesaverormassmurderer]

YA definitely NBU!

Your BIL is a leech. He and his partner are grown ups who need to stand on their own two feet.

If they choose to waste their money that is their decision. If their life is that chaotic they must be receiving benefits so why is it your Dh's problem to make up any shortfall?

Unfortunately If the DC go without it is their doing and not your problem.

But as usual the answer is in your DH's hands. He needs to stop enabling his brother and tell them where to go. As does your FIL but I guess that's a whole other issue.

I would be furious if my DH and I were working hard and then he was giving money away left right and centre.
Whether you can afford it or not is a moot point.

I would be having serious words with my DH that this cannot happen ever again. No matter what sob story they come up with.

[magoria]

Have you pointed out to your H that you can't afford it.

You have cut back to have enough for the kids and done without. If you hadn't it wouldn't be there.

Now he is giving it away. What about you and your kids.

I think it is worth a blazing argument.

[cakeymccakington]

I would be raging if my partner agreed to give someone £3k without discussing it with me.

Just no!

[hellsbellsmelons]

£3K for car repairs?
Blimey - what car is it? An Aston Martin?
I've had some shockers for cars that have needed a lot of work and the highest bill I got for doing loads to it was £900 including full service!
I'd want to see the bill for the £3K and see if I could get it done cheaper elsewhere.
And no, YANBU to be pissed off.
If they can afford to smoke, drink and gamble then they can fuck off!

[cakeymccakington]

Yeah I mean for £3k they could just get a new car

[44PumpLane]

YANBU and your BIL is a leach!

It's not your problem or responsibility that they gamble, drink and smoke.
If you feel an obligation towards the children then you could buy them some decent clothes (and at those ages a Primark haul would be fine) at Christmas and Birthdays to make sure they are clothed.

A car is a luxury that it seems they cannot afford.

Plus £3k on car repairs is ridiculous, you could probably buy a runner for less than that!

You need to sit down with your DH and discuss why he feels the need to bail out his brother and the impact it has on your family. You shouldn't have to make sacrifices to support them when they don't make sacrifices of their own (gambling etc).

[BewareOfDragons]

If you combine your finances and/or that savings is your money, too, your DH had no right to just give £3000 of it away. Especially with you making cuts to your own spending in anticipation of bills coming in for your own family!

I would be furious. He should ask for the money back immediately.

[TattyCat]

Op wrote $, not £.

But still...

[Aquamarine1029]

I would blow my top over this. I think you should tell your husband that the handouts to his loser brother are over.

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

You aint ever getting that money.

[KimmySchmidt1]

Its really difficult and I have lots of sympathy but my inclination would be to see it as part and parcel of the man you married. Family dynamics are weird, there is a lot of guilt between siblings, and you are never going to shout at him enough to make that go away and him end up loving you more.

Its obviously all a sliding scale because the more money he gives away the less you have, but provided it doesnt get out of control I think I'd just wear it. As you say your DH has the guilt of his own success but also a sense of responsibility for his nieces and nephews - maybe when they grow up it will be different and so there is an end in sight.

i also find that the more you criticise someone's family, they more loyal they feel, so you are probably being counter-productive anyway. If it gets any more frequent/bigger amounts of money do put your foot down, but if brother is trying to pay some back then it does not sound like he is totally taking the p1ss.

You chose to marry a man who came from a poor background and made something of himself, so you must admire this about him more than you would someone born with a silver spoon - try to focus on that upside rather than the baggage that comes with it.

[Willow2017]

You are cutting back to ensure you have the money for things your kids need and your oh is throwing £3000 away on his leech of a brother. Sod that. Stand up and tell him you are not scrimping and saving to provide bil with beer money. You have no guarentee if this money will end up being spent on the car anyway. He could get a decent run around for a third of that.
Its not just dh's money to give away and you both know there is little chance you will ever get a penny back.

Its not you and dhs responsibility to keep his db in his chaotic lifestyle. Time they grew up and took responsibility for themselves.

[DressedCrab]

I'd be putting my foot down and saying no. This is family money and the BiL has leeched for long enough.

[user1471449805]

It's a DH problem - why did he agree to spend family money without discussing with you?

[CoraPirbright]

I would be saying no to that. But I totally understand that you are concerned for the children so could you only give money that will directly benefit them eg when they need new clothes, they go shopping with your grandparents (not twatty spendthrift BIL) who then will forward the receipts to you so you can reimburse?

[HotelEuphoria]

Accepting this yet again means you are accepting that for life you and your DH are going to work hard to keep the BIL in booze, fags and the pokies/bookies.

The ILs all seem to expect this now, there is no incentive to give us drinking, smoking or save.

[2014newme]

It's not a loan is it, you wont get it back. I'd say no. I don't go to work to support someone eksrs crap lifestyle choices. And I'd be Fine with that I would not agonise over it fir a moment.

[whatsavings]

This is family money that DH is giving away - and he may as well just burn it for all the good he's doing. He is unintentionally making BIL's family incapable of looking after themselves. And as this is family money, and you are already having to cut back in order to pay your own bills, your DH is risking his OWN family's financial safety. Most of us are only a few paydays away from poverty. How would you cope if disaster happened?

Re BIL - Tell them no more handouts, but buy a food shop so the children get fed. If they need clothes, buy then coats, shoes etc, but write their names in so they can't be returned for cash/credit. Insist on the last loan being repaid before you even consider lending again.

As the saying goes, you have a DH problem, not a BIL problem.

[Want2bSupermum]

Right now you guys are complicit in enabling your BIL to continue behaving this way. Cut the cord and let him fall. Support the DC in your home or your FILs home. Nothing will change until you change your behavior towards him.

[LagunaBubbles]

Your DH is the problem then, if hes giving money - and its giving not loaning - out of misguided guilt.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

You could approach it differently with DH if it has become a sensitive topic.

How about saying you find the sporadic requests for large amounts of money difficult to handle. Add up all the money you and ILs have given them over the last few years. You understand him wanting to help his brother but you and the aging ILs need to do it in a way that lets you all manage your money better.

Suggest that you and the ILs set up a special savings account where you and ILs each pay in say £200 a month (which is what you have actually given him per month if you add it up and spread it out). DB pays in £50 a month, which is the average amount he has afforded to pay back per month. Then when he has unexpected money trouble, ILs or you can give him money from the emergency pot.

Now, obviously, that is a bonkers idea, but it will bring to the surface how bonkers the whole situation is without you actually getting into a row with DH and ILs about it. You can say you are just making it more efficient for you all.

I'd do the calculations and present them to ILs and DH.

[Ploppie4]

Didn’t your husband talk to you before saying yes?