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in thinking that bringing an iPad to a sleepover is a bit rude?

(56 Posts)
ProofBy1nduction Wed 25-Oct-17 08:57:35

My DD (9) is having a few friends for a sleepover for her birthday next week.

The last time we did this (about 6 months ago) both her friends brought their iPads with them.

Aside from the fact I then have no idea what they are watching on them (they both wanted to take them to bed with them), I can't help feeling it is a bit rude to let your child take a device like this to someone elses house.

It's almost like assuming they will be bored.

It's probably just me though! Does anyone else feel like this?

Hoppinggreen Wed 25-Oct-17 08:59:36

My son has 1 friend that takes his iPad everywhere
He's coming for a sleepover on Saturday and I plan to firmly limit his access to it!!!

KoalaD Wed 25-Oct-17 09:00:49

YANBU. Not cool.

MaisyPops Wed 25-Oct-17 09:03:05

Yanbu - but then that's because I'm of a similar view that it says you think the child will be bored interacting with an actual human child.

But from what our students say there's lots of tablet games etc and I just don't get them. Maybe it's that.

isittheholidaysyet Wed 25-Oct-17 09:13:44

Mine take tablets to sleepovers, and to play at friends houses, and most kids coming here do the same, from about age 9.

They play games together on them, (this is their chance, they can't play on screens at school, and they often need to be on the same Internet connection.)
Record silly videos, (We would have just 'done a show' at their age, and forced parents to watch, but they like to record the play/show they have made up, adding special effects)
Show each other videos and TV they have found and liked (in my day we would have all watched the same after-school telly, but they have far more choice and diversity).

If there are other activities etc. happening then tell them it's not screen time right now and get them to put them away.

I wouldn't want my child to be the only one who hadn't brought his tablet, just because he has it doesn't mean he has to use it.

MrsOverTheRoad Wed 25-Oct-17 09:13:52

At 9 I think it's out of order. I have a 9 year old DD and her friends don't bring devices...I do let them have a device for some of their evening but then I take it away at about 11.00pm and expect them to go to sleep!

I think it's stupid to allow littler ones like this access to their own device as the parents of the home they're visiting can't really demand it at bedtime and that means they can't check up on them.

MrsOverTheRoad Wed 25-Oct-17 09:16:34

Holidays you do realise that in allowing kids access to the internet when you're not present is foolish?

I've seen time and again things go wrong...my older DD is 13 and there have been instances of those "silly videos" going wrong and turning into bullying fodder and even getting posted online.

One of DD's classmates aged 11, had a silly moment and showed her bottom...it was recorded in a "silly video" and posted online.

Resulting in the police getting involved.

Peeetle Wed 25-Oct-17 09:23:29

I agree. I let my dd take one last night and she FaceTimed me at midnight because she couldn’t sleep (think she had spent six hours on the ipad so not surprising).

When I host I turn off the Wi-fi when I go to bed and they all sleep better.

MaisyPops Wed 25-Oct-17 09:26:46

That makes sense isittheholidaysyet.
That is the sort of thing my students talk about doing.

youarenotkiddingme Wed 25-Oct-17 09:27:50

Isittheholidays puts it very well. Al or of what they do on iPads is what we did - but the 21st century way.

You can impose rules in your house on use though. Not a dining table, not overnight and not until ready in morning etc.

thethoughtfox Wed 25-Oct-17 09:28:45

It isn't rude. It's just what their life at home is like. They must spend a lot of leisure time on them. They may have brought them as they think it's the most fun ever or they may spend so much time on screens that they struggle to occupy themselves doing anything else.

Bluntness100 Wed 25-Oct-17 09:29:42

I see no issue with it, they play on them together. It would only be rude if they sat on their own using it, but generally that’s not what happens.

Scabbersley Wed 25-Oct-17 09:29:51

None of mine even have a tablet. Yes I think it's rude and won't help social skills, whatever people jump on here to say.

Tealdeal747 Wed 25-Oct-17 09:30:05

You need to check your parental controls first.

ProofBy1nduction Wed 25-Oct-17 09:35:48

Good idea Peetle - maybe I will turn off the WiFi (DH may have a heart attack though)

holidays - all the activities you list sound good but IME the reality is each child sitting in silence playing on their own device or all of them silently watching a YouTube video together, while I make increasingly unlikely suggestions of alternate activites -'How about we play the Game of Life?' - with DD giving me withering looks.

It is encoraging to see I'm not the only one who thinks it is a bit strange though.

Imsorrynow Wed 25-Oct-17 09:36:37

I’d make it plain that if any damage occurs while the device is in my home it’s absolutely not going to be my responsibility.
Great idea ref turning WiFi off at a reasonable hour.
An iPad is much like a phone though isn’t it - and you couldn’t really ban phones.

ProofBy1nduction Wed 25-Oct-17 09:38:01

*encouraging

Tealdeal - we don't have parental controls. DD doesn't have an iPad.

Juicyfruitloop Wed 25-Oct-17 09:38:22

I would not think it is rude. My DD would bring hers, After the party games and fun is over they could use them.

Limit their time say 2 hours. As a pp has explained they play lots of safe interactive games. I check constantly. The IPad is a modern teddy bear.

Coulddowithanap Wed 25-Oct-17 09:40:43

Why add them to your WiFi anyway? Saves having to turn it off.

isittheholidaysyet Wed 25-Oct-17 09:45:05

mrsover
But they have gone to play at a friends house, with the friends parents there.

My kids are still at the age where I know all the parents, (who are also my friends).
They also have no social media or phones (with mobile Internet access).
Yes friends could put videos online, and I'm sure in the future we may have those problems, but If my child goes to play at a friends house I have to trust that parent to supervise my child, online, but also in every other way. I trust that the parents are making sure my 10 year old is not being fed alcohol, I trust they are not abusing my child, I trust they are not letting older children abuse him, I trust they are not letting him watch unsuitable films. Different parents are different, if my child goes to someone else's house to play, they may be allowed to do things I wouldn't allow, visit the local park unsupervised for instance. These are all risks you take when you allow your child into someone else's care. My child leaving their tablet at home, does not ensure they will not be online, unsupervised at a friends house. It just means they (potentially) will be online unsupervised on someone else's device.

At a friends house my child will need the friends WiFi code to be able to go online. The parent could withhold that if they wished.

Video making in my living room, with me around supervising has risks, but I think they are managed risks.
When my child heads to secondary school, he will probably have an Internet enabled phone. He will be out of the house and my supervision for hours at a time, what do you suggest I do?

If the OP doesn't want tablets bringing to sleepovers, then she can ban them beforehand. My point was that it is not unusual, in my experience, for them to be brought.

AliPfefferman Wed 25-Oct-17 09:52:37

I agree completely, OP. But unfortunately way too many parents rely on screens to entertain/educate their children, and too many children are used to spending hours and hours staring at electronics. Of course in my own house I can supervise or limit tablet use, but why should I have to when I don’t think it’s appropriate to have it there at all? I’m not above turning on a movie or letting the DCs use my iPad to make silly videos, but I only do it when I can supervise and I make sure that they share/collaborate. If every child has her own device they end up ignoring each other.

Scabbersley Wed 25-Oct-17 09:55:34

I have 12 teens in my sitting room. No I pads, they aren't even on their phones. They are all watching Harry Potter grin

furcoatandnoknickers Wed 25-Oct-17 09:57:53

Why don't you ask their parents what their rules are when they use them at their own houses and say that as your dd doesn't have one, please could you have guide-lines, as you know, unsupervised, when more than 1 girl gets together, silly videos can be posted.
I think you will find they might go into "best parent-evah" mode and give very strict ones.
But deff. switch off internet at about 9pm!

Migraleve Wed 25-Oct-17 10:03:30

How is it rude?

Back in the 80’s we used to take an extra bag with our stuff for sleepovers, iPads are just an extension

WomblingThree Wed 25-Oct-17 10:05:07

Wow @Scabbersley, aren’t you a much better parent than everyone else.

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin Wed 25-Oct-17 10:06:32

None of mine even have a tablet. Yes I think it's rude and won't help social skills, whatever people jump on here to say.

Really? How interesting, Having got into a locally prestigious 6th form, it was remarked the DS, who has his own Youtube channel for gaming tutorials was a well rounded individual who embraced modern technology as the way forward and was just the sort of student they wanted to encourage.

But of course, if you want to leave yours lagging in the 20th century rather than the 21st, then thats your prerogative. I doubt your children, their educators nor the job market will thank you for it in the long run.

IroningMountain Wed 25-Oct-17 10:10:55

Yanbu,wouldn't be invited again. What is the point of inviting them?

Had similar issue with tweens on phones at parties. Know of one incredibly rude child who played on her phone the entire time at a friend's house even when candles were being blown out,did similar to us too.Never invited her again,would rather give the place to somebody who'd enjoy it.

On discussion dd and several of her friends also thought it incredibly rude and weren't keen on inviting her anyway.

Myheartbelongsto Wed 25-Oct-17 10:11:29

Rude?

Fucking hell.

WomblingThree Wed 25-Oct-17 10:13:46

God the performance parenting is bad enough with toddlers, but when they are teenagers?! I’m struggling to keep a straight face.

Bluntness100 Wed 25-Oct-17 10:14:10

I have 12 teens in my sitting room. No I pads, they aren't even on their phones. They are all watching Harry Potter

So, just on a bigger screen then? hmm

IroningMountain Wed 25-Oct-17 10:14:15

Err yes. Bringing your own integration sapping entertainment infers you'll find the entertainment provided boring.

Rude,don't bother coming.

IroningMountain Wed 25-Oct-17 10:16:47

The difference being with a film is they are all watching,discussing the same film together.

Scabbersley Wed 25-Oct-17 11:04:58

They are all watching it together.

I think it's totally rude to assume you will need to use an iPad during a sleepover.

Are these parents who think it's fine the same people who sit on their phones at dinner parties?

Scabbersley Wed 25-Oct-17 11:07:14

Ha, hilarious about not having a tablet meaning they won't be able to cope with the 21st century!

I think pretty much every teen I've ever known has had their own crappy youtube channel at some point. I hardly think it's something they'll mention on their CV
😃

Frege Wed 25-Oct-17 11:24:40

Really rude. One girl did this at my daughter's birthday sleepover a few months ago. DD had planned all sorts of activities for her friends but of course the iPad distracted everyone and spoiled things (until I took it away).

At the very least the guest should check with the host's parents.

Herdingcows Wed 25-Oct-17 11:27:01

9 to DD recently went to a pottery painting party. Where a boy had brought a phone, so instead of painting he was distracting all the others by playing games on a phone!

The tantrum when the host parent took it away was quite breathtaking.

AuntieStella Wed 25-Oct-17 11:40:52

I think it all depends on what the little beasts are going to do with it.

Because YouTube tutorials on slime making or hair braiding can be very relevant. And watching something on Netflix when they ought to be asleep is pretty standard too.

Yes, you need to know what they're doing with the devices (all devices which connect to the Internet) and yes it's anywhere between uninspired to downright rude to substitute screen for RL when in company. But flat ban might also be too blunt a response.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer Wed 25-Oct-17 11:52:08

I'd let mine take it, but would expect them to follow the host parent's rules (and if that meant no tablet then that's fine). I wouldn't find either way rude, just different strokes for different folks (and that's a helpful lesson for dc to learn too).

Yokohamajojo Wed 25-Oct-17 11:52:57

I think this is a tricky one as they do have fun getting to play together on them and record videos and stuff. My son recently went for a sleepover though where one of the boys had his phone with him (they are 10 and in Y6 so the others didn't have phones) and he used his phone in the middle of the night to scare the little brother of the house. He had an app which you can create scary voices etc. The mum of the house was not impressed.

I wouldn't mind them bringing them and play with them up to a certain time perhaps

DunkMeInTomatoSoup Wed 25-Oct-17 11:57:02

I think pretty much every teen I've ever known has had their own crappy youtube channel at some point. I hardly think it's something they'll mention on their CV

Echoing the above, one of my offspring is a well known and well paid media influencer grin

ProofBy1nduction Wed 25-Oct-17 12:00:24

Thanks for the replies.

It seems most people do agree it is a bit rude.

I am not going to say anything to the parents, but I may say we have a 'no devices at night' rule to the children to avoid them watching videos at night.

Happydoingitjusttheonce Wed 25-Oct-17 13:14:50

I think it’s normal in the digital age. My son and his friends use devices and computers to play games together, often involving team work. They watch you tube, sometimes daft videos, sometimes things connected with their hobby of biking, or stream music or tv shows they like. At 9 my son was still playing nerf wars and soldiers too. Tv, music, books, games are now all in the palm of your hand and so it’s really no different to kids having to use separate media for those things in the past. As long as they still indulge in enough physical activity too, I don’t see the problem

Scabbersley Wed 25-Oct-17 13:37:34

Stop trying to claim it as a triumph of the digital age. Don't you actually want to teach your kids to socialise without devices? Or do you think that's irrelevant now as you can do it via social media /online gaming?

Migraleve Wed 25-Oct-17 14:48:58

I may say we have a 'no devices at night' rule to the children to avoid them watching videos at night.

I’m struggling to understand this tbh. Isn’t that what they DO at sleepovers? Watch videos and eat crap? We certainly did, the only difference being our videos were actual VHS video tapes and our screen was a good old 1980’ wooden surround TV

yakari Wed 25-Oct-17 15:19:50

I don’t see the issue - DD 9 has some friends that bring them, some don’t and we have various devices round the house. But house rules apply - screens off when I say, never at the table and not in the bedrooms at night.
Where’s the big issue? Just let the kid know when they arrive and it’s a rule like any other - don’t jump on the furniture, no nerf guns at the table, don’t tease the pet, lights out by X time .. why is it any different?

tangerino Wed 25-Oct-17 15:24:52

Migraleve, the differences are your parents presumably knew what was in the videos and you watched them with your friends not on your own. Children bringing personal iPads to a sleepover is completely different- they could be watching anything and, even if they’re responsible about content, they can’t do it together which defeats the point of being at a sleepover surely?

Cleanermaidcook Wed 25-Oct-17 19:19:16

I have a 9 yr old dd, she does own a tablet but it's not the centre of her entertainment. If she was going to a sleepover it wouldn't occur to her to take it and if I were hosting one I'd tell parents up front not to send them. I'm not anti technology but it's something available regularly and a sleepover is an irregular treat. I provide activities like decorating pizza's, having foot spa's, jewellery making and then a film later for winding down. I think watching a dvd is different than free range Internet access as you know what they're watching and aren't sharing anything with other people, it's safe.

Uglymug76 Wed 25-Oct-17 19:48:39

YABU.
Both my DDs have had, and been to sleepovers and iPads are standard. My 9yr old in particular...she’s in a class of 9 girls and to escape the boy overload they’ve developed a common interest in roblox and minecraft and play online together. They all know and understand the rules about when enough is enough time wise, and they respect it.
We may not have grown up with devices but they have, and they’re as common as TVs nowadays. You can’t stop the progress, or expect them to just play board games and be tucked up nicely by 9pm. It ain’t going to happen. I know 100% if iPads had been around in my day I’d have been sneaking that under my bed covers instead of reading Famous Five!!

ittakes2 Thu 26-Oct-17 16:47:29

My daughter and her friend both have iPads and like to sit next to each other interacting on line with the same game.

ittakes2 Thu 26-Oct-17 16:48:55

Sorry wanted to add they play free board games like monolopy or chess on their iPads and listen to music. So sorry YABU about it being rude.

driveninsanebythehubby Thu 26-Oct-17 16:50:38

Whenever my boys have friends for sleepovers, I make a point of letting the parent know that it was fine to send a device, because ds was looking forward to playing Minecraft/Roblox etc with them! I don’t see the issue if they’re playing together - each doing independent activities is different.

And in response to the person above who said those that think it’s ok are obviously the ones to get their phones out at a dinner party - wrong! I won’t even get my phone out if we’re having a lazy dinner on the sofa! I just don’t see the issue with kids having their device if they want them. My middle son and his close friend make all sorts of YouTube videos together - some even half amusing! If they didn’t bring the iPads, I wouldn’t see that creativity.

Happydoingitjusttheonce Fri 27-Oct-17 19:04:42

Scabbersley if that was directed at me then my son grew up socialising without devices as well
as with. Socialising face to face is vital. I didn’t suggest it wasn’t. My son has a broader social circle because of digital devices, so he regularly skypes/FaceTimes kids in other countries he’s got to know through his sport. And he’d have never got to know them without the internet. I had to use blue airmail paper to have contact with a pen pal. Embrace it.

HeebieJeebies456 Fri 27-Oct-17 20:04:18

Good idea Peetle - maybe I will turn off the WiFi (DH may have a heart attack though)

Even better, just search for their ipads on your 'connected to wifi' list and block their internet access - either between certain times or completely.
That way the adults in the house don't have to be inconvenienced.....

nellieellie Fri 27-Oct-17 20:21:46

I would just say sorry, my kids don’t have access to an iPad. I’d let them use it for maybe half hour as long as they were in my sight and I knew what they were doing. I’ve confiscated a phone off a friend of my 12 year old, so a 9 yr old with an iPad. Ugh!

Flippingecktucker Fri 27-Oct-17 20:25:24

Rude?! Ffs. Ridiculous.

Farontothemaddingcrowd Fri 27-Oct-17 20:26:31

I wouldn't find that rude at all.

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